A disgrace in every way

No one, not even God Himself, could defend any choice of words I write beneath this paragraph that bashes the disgraceful performance "Iniana" made Saturday.\nIn the last few days, my imagination wheel has spun and spun thinking of brilliant and creative ideas for this space. Others, whether asked or not, gave me countless methods to slice and dice coach Cam Cameron and the "Iniana" football program into a nice gourmet dinner for my readers.\nMy first idea sprung up in the press box at halftime when the Hoosiers trailed 45-0. The day before I had an advertisement seen in Michigan's school newspaper to try out for the Wolverines' men's basketball squad. All a student needed to have was at least 12 credit hours and a physical signed by a doctor, and then he would have an opportunity to play for Michigan.\nThe state of Michigan's basketball program could not be any worse than that of Iniana football, so I thought IU could possibly recruit players by putting out a similar want ad.\nThe classified would read something like, "Big Ten university seeking meaty students who want to play Division I collegiate football, can hit and tackle people and have been off steroids for at least a year. No experience necessary."\nSomeone else recommended I write the top 58 (the number of points IU gave up to Michigan) reasons why the defense might actually be playing for the other team or why Cameron should be fired. \nThe list would go… No. 58: Cameron gets paid to coach IU?, No 57: We could use Cameron's salary to repair Showalter Fountain, No. 56: Cameron has red hair, No. 55: His players have as much respect for Cameron as how far they can throw him... and so on. \nAnother writer said to me that the easy column would tear apart IU, but the person who would really earn his or her money would write about the positives in such a game. There was no way I was doing that. \nOne of my roommates suggested writing about our flag football team's first game. Though I hesitated for a second to think about it, I realized I probably could not write an entire column on a game we won because the other team forfeited.\nAnother person proposed I write that Cam Cameron should be fired from the football team and be hired by IU to teach accounting since he has a business degree from here. That person said I could use him as an accredited source. This idea did not get too far from the drawing board.\nAfter the game, as defensive coach Ted Daisher made his way from the field to the locker room, one young Wolverine fan summed up IU's loss perfectly to the coach, saying, "Your team got its butts kicked."\nI would have sat down and talked for hours with the kid about his views of IU football and let him write my column, but his schedule was solidly booked for the next week or so with video games, cartoons and naps.\nAfter experiencing the Big House and the crazed football hysteria created by Michigan's football fans, I thought about sarcastically comparing every facet of Wolverine football to IU football. I could have compared 110,000 people performing the wave to IU's inflatable doll mascot that runs around the sideline smooshing his face.\nBut after I waited in line for an hour and a half for supposedly Michigan's most popular bar, Rick's, only to be disappointed that it was like Kilroy's, then went to a house party where I could get only a couple of beers before the kegs went dry and saw way too many kids talking trash that definitely should not be talking trash, I thought the Wolverines didn't deserve such praise.\nThe mockery of IU's football program Saturday opened the door to so many sarcastic and cynical writing opportunities, but no piece of the puzzle fit in precisely. \nIn the end, I figured it out. \nIn today's column, I didn't have to tell the story of how Cameron has not moved this program along in four years or that "Iniana" does not have a "d" or how IU is the joke of the Big Ten or how Cameron should be fired.\nThis past weekend, Cameron and the Hoosiers wrote my column even before I could dab any ink on paper. The Hoosiers not only allowed Michigan to railroad them on the scoreboard, but IU showed no heart and gave up. \nIf I had to sum up Saturday's game in just a word or two, I think there's no better way than to simply state the score -- Michigan 58, IU 0.\nThe only injustice to that would be that the score actually depicts a closer game than it was.