I am a gay man and most of my sexual experiences have been with straight men who are experimenting for the first time. “Average” gay men do not seem to find me attractive, and I generally do not find them attractive. What is this about?
I’m not sure, but it sounds like something you’re curious to explore. I do wonder what you mean by “average” gay men, however, as there is great diversity among gay men. It’s true that some clubs or bars attract or market to certain types of gay men.
But in the larger community there are gay men of all sizes, shapes, ages and varying degrees of expressed masculinity or femininity. Some gay men are “read” as gay or bisexual by most people and other gay men are frequently “read” as straight. So I guess part of what I would encourage is to think about what you mean by an “average” gay man and also how you go about meeting potential romantic or sexual partners.
Of course, you also didn’t say how you feel about this. Some gay men eroticize the idea of having sex mostly if not entirely with straight men. Some gay men are turned on by the idea that they are so irresistible or attractive that straight men will have sex with them, even if they have never before had sex with a man. Other times, some gay men might like the thrill or the secrecy of sex with experimenting straight men.
Only you have the answers as to what the attraction is about for you. If you enjoy it and it’s not a problem, then great. If on the other hand you would like to attract, and more often be attracted to, self-identified gay or bisexual men – especially if you are looking for a relationship – then you might find it helpful to explore your attractions and what they mean to you, which you may find helpful to do with the support of a sex therapist. You can find one in your area through aasect.org or sstarnet.org.
Kinsey Confidential is a collaboration of the Kinsey Institute and the IU School of Public Health. Dr. Debby Herbenick is an associate professor at IU and author of six books about sex including “The Coregasm Workout” and “Sex Made Easy.”
Find our blog and archived Q&A at kinseyconfidential.org. Follow Dr. Herbenick on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick and Kinsey Confidential at @KinseyCon.
