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(05/24/07 4:00am)
There's some irony in the fact that, five years after Reprise Records execs famously deemed Wilco's masterpiece Yankee Hotel Foxtrot too weird to be commercially viable (causing the band to buy back their master tapes and leave the label), the now-commercially-successful band has released an album as aggressively normal-sounding as Sky Blue Sky. Indeed, it could serve as a test among Wilco fans: do you prefer the smooth, warm, soft-rock Wilco, or do you need beeps, radio samples and dissonance? \nWhile the quirky elements of Yankee and 2004's A Ghost Is Born were never what drew me to Wilco, Sky is a bit too inoffensively "adult-alternative" for its own good. It certainly makes for a pleasant listen, but it lacks anything close to the spine-tingling pop of Yankee. And it offers neither the lows nor quite the highs of Ghost -- you'll be less likely to skip tracks with Sky, but the album also proves less memorable.\nStill, there's plenty of good stuff to be found here. "Either Way" starts things off somewhat snoozily, but second track "You Are My Face" kicks in enough guitar distortion and lyrical discontent to snap the listener back to attention. "Impossible Germany" achieves a cool groove akin to Ghost's "Handshake Drugs," while "Side With The Seeds" whips the listener from a piano-and-drums driven slow-dance into swirling guitar solos. "Shake It Off" builds up from spare percussion and a repeated guitar arpeggio into a dirty bass-heavy stomp, and "Please Be Patient With Me" is a lovely rainy-day acoustic ballad.\nWhere Sky gets less interesting is on tracks like "Hate It Here" -- a blue-eyed soul song in the "baby I miss you, please come home" vein that, while an original, sounds like it could be a cover of anybody from Rod Stewart to Vince Gill. Likewise on the countrified title-track "Sky Blue Sky" or the gospel-inflected "What Light." It's all perfectly listenable, but for a band that made its name by sounding like no one else, much of Sky sounds like it could be anyone else.
(05/24/07 4:00am)
MTV is coming. \nFriday, the folks who regularly rock out at Rhino's Youth Center and All-Ages Music Club will be joined by thousands of others -- vicariously, anyway -- when this week's "battle of the bands" is filmed as part of the network's reality TV show "MADE." \n"On every new episode of MADE," the show's Web page said, "one willing candidate embarks on a mission to transform his or her life." \nActually, "MADE" is looking to do double-duty, as two Bloomington teenagers, Jeremy Gotwals and Chelsey McKrill, have been simultaneously trained by Yellowcard frontman Ryan Key in the fine art of being rock stars. Tomorrow's final "battle" will test Gotwals' and McKrill's mettle against each other and three experienced bands before a panel of celebrity judges. The word from Rhino's manager Brad Wilhelm and booking agent Bob Nugent is that, while they'll be pitted against musicians their own age, Gotwals and McKrill will have their work cut out for them.\n"There's a remarkable amount of talent amongst young people around here," said Wilhelm of competing bands Busman's Holiday, Roomful of Villains and Siddius. "They're remarkably accomplished for their age." \nWho will take the rock glory? You'll just have to hit Rhino's at 8 p.m. tomorrow night and see for yourself (or wait for the episode to come out -- although Rhino's should have far fewer commercials). But regardless of the end result, Gotwals' and McKrill's quest toward rock reinvention brings up questions reaching far beyond the dreams of a couple of high school kids. They are following a larger trend within the reality TV genre: individuals pursuing self-improvement -- that is, "average" Janes and Joes seeking to change themselves in front of a nationwide audience. \nWhat does this say about us as Americans, as humans and as media consumers? And can rock stardom really be "made," or can it only come from within? Where does this trend come from, anyway?\n"It's clearly an American thing," said sociology professor Christine Von Der Haar, citing shows like "The Biggest Loser" and "Celebrity Fit Club" that have proven popular at a time when a significant portion of the nation's population is overweight. Meanwhile, "American Idol" provides an American dream that "for young people … is to be famous and wealthy, and to do it quickly."\nCollins Living Learning Center instructor, Matthew Kerchner, who has taught courses on the cultural underpinnings of phenomena such as punk rock and music videos, supports the idea that programs like "American Idol" tap into long-standing American beliefs, namely "the belief that pop music is a democratic project (that anyone is welcome to participate), the classic 'rags to riches' story prevalent in American narratives and the aesthetic understanding that the star persona is a manufactured idea."\nHowever, Communications and Culture graduate student Seth Friedman contends, rather, that because "Idol" and other reality programs were based on series from Western Europe, they are actually rooted in patterns seen across industrialized societies. One major influence on self-improvement programs is capitalist economics.\n"Any culture whose economy is so dependent on consumerism needs to have an elite class that others can strive to be like," he said. "Television is an advertising-based medium. Sponsors are selling goods and services," and the celebrities, who we see displaying the finest goods, "are among the most elite in a capitalist society." \nWhether due to capitalism or not, the suggestion that self-improvement via reality TV was based on a desire to join a cultural elite was much-echoed among the authorities consulted for this article. For example, telecommunications professor Julia Fox noted the influence that television has had on body image, as individuals have sought to become thin like the celebrities they watch. \nVon Der Haar, meanwhile, addressed rock stars in a similar vein.\n"We create these gods and goddesses," she said, "we put out the money for concerts, for albums. In a society like ours, we don't have kings and queens. We create them and we adore them. We think we can become gods and goddesses."\nBut the question of whether rock stars, or other such notables, require innate talent or can be constructed by producers, svengalis, marketing gurus or other behind-the-scenes figures (besides their publics) remained a subject of contention. \n"As soon as you add the element of competition, artistic integrity and value go right out the window," music professor Andy Hollinden said, expressing his distaste for programs like "Idol" and "MADE," "The composer Bela Bartok once said, 'Competitions are for horses, not artists,' and I totally agree." \nBut ethnomusicology and Jewish studies professor Judah Cohen noted that pop music has been packaged since the '50s, citing The Monkees and The Partrige Family as bands that blurred the line between television and pop music. And telecommunications professor Thom Gillespie argued that the idea of making ordinary people into "extraordinary" celebrities dates back to the introduction of game shows in the early days of television, with roots going even further into the past.\n"It is Joseph Campbell's 'Hero's Journey,' but we all get to vote on it," he said of "Idol."\nDo the kids taking to the stage at Rhino's tomorrow night care about any of this? Probably not. Instead, right now they have to focus on becoming rock stars. Meanwhile, in homes across America, thousands of viewers will soon focus on whether or not they do care.
(05/17/07 12:39am)
Whether you’re graduates trying to start your careers or students looking for summer jobs to help pay the bills, many of you are getting ready to join the work force. But how can you snare that all-important position? And, once you’ve got it, how do you keep it? The situation can be daunting, even intimidating. Parents, professors, friends and TV all will offer advice – but how do you know which suggestions to follow? What’s really needed is a model – one well-suited to the modern work environment. But where can you turn?\nThis weekend, I saw a first-rate motivational film. Its title: “28 Weeks Later.” Now, some people will tell you that it’s just a gory horror movie, or that it’s some sort of allegory for Iraq – these people are ignorant hippies who can’t get off their couches to look for lost Cheetos, much less find a job beyond singing “Puff The Magic Dragon” for nickels. No, “28 Weeks,” like its predecessors in the “zombie movie” genre, is really about what it takes to compete in today’s “dog-eat-dog” market for part-time and entry-level positions (particularly customer service).\nSee, the “zombie,” also known as the “living dead,” is the most efficient and industrious of all screen monstrosities. Sure, it might not seem very impressive, but how often have you seen werewolves take over the world? Or vampires (excepting 1964’s “The Last Man On Earth”)? There’s a reason for this. By emulating the best practices of these putrid, flesh-eating ghouls, you too can find yourself climbing the ladder to promotion.\n– Be assertive. Zombies don’t dither. They find what they want and go take a bite out of it – literally – then they’re off to the next objective. And they’re not afraid to go for the big score. In Lucio Fulci’s 1979 “Zombie,” one of them tries to eat a shark. Why? Sheer bloody-minded ambition. \n– Be persistent. In most films, zombies aren’t the fastest of creatures. But they don’t let that stop them. Indeed, they don’t let anything stop them. Except a shot to the head. And once you’ve got your eyes on the prize, don’t even let that get in your way. Zombies may moan, but they don’t give up.\n– Be a team player. In 1968’s “Night of the Living Dead,” one human, Ben, expresses skepticism about the zombies’ strength. Harry, another human, notes that they turned over his car. Ben says, “Oh, hell! Any good five men could do that!” To which Harry replies “That’s my point! There’s not going to be five, or even ten! There’s going to be 20, 30, maybe 100 of those things...” Zombies know that many hands make light work – of a farmhouse, a shopping mall, a National Guard unit... There may be an “I” in “brains,” but zombies say “braiiinsss!!!” The “I’s,” are plural, and that equals “We.”\nSo, don’t just sit there envying the dead – embrace them (metaphorically speaking)! You could be a “working stiff” in no time!
(02/28/07 5:00am)
I've studied a fair amount of political movements, negotiations, protests, revolutions, terrorism and other sorts of means to try to get what you want out of the powers-that-be. But I have to say that a phenomenon recently highlighted by the Chronicle of Higher Education has me baffled: Why would a junior professor ever think a hunger strike could get him or her tenure?\nThe question recently arose from a failed attempt by Massachusetts Institute of Technology associate professor of biological engineering James L. Sherley. For 12 days (Feb. 5 through Feb. 16), Sherley subsisted on water and vitamins, proclaiming he would “die defiantly” if he didn’t get tenure – a status denied to him, he said, because he’s black and MIT is systemically racist. \nNow, it’s certainly true that, across academia, the faculty isn’t diverse enough – the latest Department of Education survey (conducted in fall 2003) showed that 87 percent of full professors are white, while American Indian, black and Hispanic individuals made up only 0.3 percent, 3.2 percent and 2.1 percent of members, respectively (compared with being respectively 1 percent, 12.9 percent and 14 percent of the U.S. population). And it’s a good thing that MIT is investigating Sherley’s claims. But it’s hard to believe that in the 21st century, a top international research university would turn away a tenure candidate based on race. Leaving aside that it would fly in the face of higher education’s values, and the potential legal repercussions, there’s simply the fact that the guy’s a biological engineer. Given the private-sector competition for those studying life sciences, a university would have to be nuts to throw away a qualified candidate. Sherley’s bold demonstration had only one true cause in mind: Sherley.\nMore entertaining is the case of Ralph E. Luker, another former hunger-striker-for-tenure interviewed by the Chronicle of Higher Education on Feb. 22. In 1994, despite having “five books in print, four earned academic degrees (and) a nomination for a Pulitzer Prize,” Luker was denied tenure by Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio. Now, I’ve personally been to Antioch – it’s essentially the stationary version of a Grateful Dead, Phish and Massive Panic tour. My freshman-year roommate, a great guy but also the biggest stoner I’ve ever known, turned down Antioch because “all they ever do is smoke up.” Yet, even at Antioch, Luker’s strike failed.\nThere’s a very simple reason for this: Hunger strikes are based on the idea that an individual is willing to die (painfully) for a cause larger than his or herself. This was why it worked for Mohandas Gandhi, Alice Paul, Cesar Chavez, Nelson Mandela and members of the civil rights movement. This was why the 1981 hunger strike by imprisoned Provisional Irish Republican Army members had a tremendous impact on public opinion – 10 of them died. Thus, if you’re doing it for personal gain, the logic doesn’t really work.\nSo, relax – have a Hot Pocket and update that resume.
(02/15/07 5:00am)
If you haven't heard of Field Music yet, you're far from alone -- their 2005 self-titled debut garnered some attention in their native Britain, but only created a minor buzz in U.S. indie circles, where it was buried under the sea of U.K. post-punk groups following in the wake of Franz Ferdinand's breakthrough (a somewhat unfair result, as the band's sound is quite distant from many of these acts -- but, more on that in a moment). \nHowever, this week Field Music returned to these shores armed with a simply excellent sophomore album -- Tones of Town -- and, while it's unlikely to breach the mainstream (especially with "The OC" canceled), if listeners prize quality, it should vault the group from the ranks of "band seen mentioned on an mp3 blog" to "indie-known."\nIn Tones, Field Music combine two great tastes that taste great together -- warm harmonies and precise, almost symphonic song construction -- but, then, rein it all in with quiet understatement. By delivering the vocals, guitars, violins and other elements chopped up in short, ringing bursts, they sound like XTC (or modern descendents, The Futureheads) -- but with their jangled nerves soothed by Valium. Or, to look at it another way, if The Arcade Fire is offering up indie rock's take on opera, Field Music is offering up the genre's take on chamber music (think "Pachelbel's Canon"). With everything so carefully arranged, it's like listening to a clockwork rock band -- but, as in the fairy tale of "The Steadfast Tin Soldier" -- there's a real heart beating under the artifice.\nAnd it's this that makes Tones succeed where its predecessor didn't. Field Music's debut was creative and pleasant, but too precociously clever -- a band showing off its neat tricks. Tones, on the other hand, gives the sound meaning by using it to tell a story of misplaced priorities -- just as the band ticks along, you can feel time slip away from the album's unnamed protagonist as he chooses work and material things over the simple pleasures, home and love.\nIf there's a weakness to Tones, it's that things can be a little too restrained -- late in the album, the prettiness of tracks like "Closer At Hand," "Place Yourself" and "She Can Do What She Wants" almost conceal the tragedy of the relationship's collapse. But listen closely, and you hear a tin heart break.
(02/14/07 11:37pm)
If you haven't heard of Field Music yet, you're far from alone -- their 2005 self-titled debut garnered some attention in their native Britain, but only created a minor buzz in U.S. indie circles, where it was buried under the sea of U.K. post-punk groups following in the wake of Franz Ferdinand's breakthrough (a somewhat unfair result, as the band's sound is quite distant from many of these acts -- but, more on that in a moment). \nHowever, this week Field Music returned to these shores armed with a simply excellent sophomore album -- Tones of Town -- and, while it's unlikely to breach the mainstream (especially with "The OC" canceled), if listeners prize quality, it should vault the group from the ranks of "band seen mentioned on an mp3 blog" to "indie-known."\nIn Tones, Field Music combine two great tastes that taste great together -- warm harmonies and precise, almost symphonic song construction -- but, then, rein it all in with quiet understatement. By delivering the vocals, guitars, violins and other elements chopped up in short, ringing bursts, they sound like XTC (or modern descendents, The Futureheads) -- but with their jangled nerves soothed by Valium. Or, to look at it another way, if The Arcade Fire is offering up indie rock's take on opera, Field Music is offering up the genre's take on chamber music (think "Pachelbel's Canon"). With everything so carefully arranged, it's like listening to a clockwork rock band -- but, as in the fairy tale of "The Steadfast Tin Soldier" -- there's a real heart beating under the artifice.\nAnd it's this that makes Tones succeed where its predecessor didn't. Field Music's debut was creative and pleasant, but too precociously clever -- a band showing off its neat tricks. Tones, on the other hand, gives the sound meaning by using it to tell a story of misplaced priorities -- just as the band ticks along, you can feel time slip away from the album's unnamed protagonist as he chooses work and material things over the simple pleasures, home and love.\nIf there's a weakness to Tones, it's that things can be a little too restrained -- late in the album, the prettiness of tracks like "Closer At Hand," "Place Yourself" and "She Can Do What She Wants" almost conceal the tragedy of the relationship's collapse. But listen closely, and you hear a tin heart break.
(02/06/07 11:57pm)
As you've probably heard already, Time magazine's pick for its 2006 "Person of the Year" was "You" (as in "all of us"). Inspired by the rise of YouTube, Wikipedia and MySpace, Time celebrated the Internet's empowerment of the average person: the fact that we -- acting as our own movie studio, our own record label, our own newspaper, our own publicist -- have provided the content that has made the Web the most powerful tool of our time.\nPretty exciting, but you don't get to be Time's "Person of the Year" without paying a cost. And what has me curious is not merely the nature of this cost, but our seemingly unabashed willingness to pay it.\nA couple of recent celebrity scandals seem to be illustrative of this larger trend:\nCalifornia Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger found himself in hot water after private audio recordings featuring frank criticisms of other state political figures -- Republican and Democratic -- fell into the hands of the Los Angeles Times. Incredibly, these recordings had been posted on a public section of Schwarzenegger's own official Web site, where they were downloaded by opponents and given to the press.\nMeanwhile, Paris Hilton found herself in a brouhaha more potentially damaging than her sex tapes or "commando" paparazzi shots after a YouTube video featured her apparently using racist and homophobic slurs at a party. The video came from the Web site ParisExposed.com, whose operators claimed to have bought the tape when it and other belongings that Hilton kept in a Los Angeles storage facility were auctioned off after the multi-millionaire failed to pay her storage fee. Hilton is currently suing to shut down the site.\nThese high-profile examples highlight the downside of our informal tendency toward "lifelogging" that has emerged with the wonders of the digital age. In a fascinating article from this week's Chronicle of Higher Education, Scott Carlson examines the growing research into and implications of lifelogging -- "documenting all (one's) conversations, movements, ideas, and correspondence through audio recorders, digital cameras, GPS trackers, pedometers, brain scanners, and other gadgets".\nThe benefits are obvious. Imagine never forgetting an important moment, being able to leave behind a perfect memoir, gaining such insight into human behavior and history. At the same time, imagine having a record of every painful moment, every slight, every sin, every confidence -- and imagine having it become available, deliberately or accidentally, to the whole wide world.\nHardly anyone engages in lifelogging to the extent of the researchers interviewed by Carlson, but most people reading this column (and yours truly) have taken advantage of digital technology to not only record far more information about ourselves, but to make it available to strangers without giving it a second thought.\nSo, why is it that posting information on Facebook doesn't bother us, but talking to a stranger on the bus feels weird? I have no answer. But, then again, having publicized my beliefs in about 140 opinion columns, I'm probably not the best person to ask, either.
(01/07/07 11:26pm)
Oh, so is the government's executive branch trying to claim it has the right to open our mail without warrants or immediate safety concerns?\nIn a signing statement attached to a Dec. 20 postal-reform bill, the White House said it would interpret a section of the bill -- and it's a doozy -- "which provides for opening of an item of a class of mail otherwise sealed against inspection, in a manner consistent, to the maximum extent permissible, with the need to conduct searches in exigent circumstances, such as to protect human life and safety against hazardous materials, and the need for physical searches specifically authorized by law for foreign intelligence collection."\nNote: Signing statements are declarations of how the executive branch should enforce -- or, more controversially, interpret -- a law.\nIt's that "maximum extent permissible" part that makes me, the American Civil Liberties Union and assorted others nervous. Current law allows authorities to open your mail (a) after getting a warrant; (b) if they have a reasonable suspicion that it is an urgent threat (your package is ticking, glowing, spilling white power); (c) before getting a warrant in limited, emergency situations under the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act or (d) if it can't be delivered as addressed, so the post office can search it for another destination address or return address.\nTo be fair, both the president and the post office have denied that the statement represents a change in government policy, instead saying they were merely making clear that the bill would maintain previous executive powers. The Associated Press has quoted Tom Day, senior vice president of government relations for the Postal Service, as saying: "As has been the long-standing practice, first-class mail is protected from unreasonable search and seizure when in postal custody. Nothing in the Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act changes this protection. The president is not exerting any new authority."\nAnd it's not like the noise about this is coming from otherwise neutral sources. In the Washington Post's Jan. 5 coverage of Capitol Hill reaction, criticism of the signing statement came from Democratic Sen. Chuck Schumer. And despite its occasional token defense of some right-wing nut's free-speech rights, the ACLU is about as nonpartisan as the IU College Republicans. \nAll that said, as someone who trends more right than left, this signing statement worries me. As recently as 2005, the government displayed just how far this "maximum extent" can reach, when documents attained by the ACLU through the Freedom of Information Act revealed that the Department of Defense had monitored the e-mails of nonviolent college anti-war protesters after they disrupted business at a recruitment center and vandalized recruiters' vehicles (as mentioned in an Indiana Daily Student staff editorial from Oct. 27, 2006).\nSo, the prez says the signing statement doesn't extend his powers? OK, let's revise the statement to make that clear: If I want wildly off-base interpretations of text, I'll ask a post-modernist English prof, thank you very much.
(11/15/06 3:51am)
On Tuesday, the Washington Post published an extensive piece on the debate about the existence of Internet addiction. It placed particular emphasis on a recent study published in the neuropsychiatric journal CNS Spectrums that, having employed a telephone survey of more than 2,500 adults, is being touted as "the first large-scale look at excessive Internet use." According to this study, "Potential markers of problematic Internet use seem present in a sizeable proportion of adults," but it remained agnostic on whether the Internet is inherently addictive or whether "Internet addiction" is, instead, merely a compulsive behavior.\nSadly, I can't really give you a definitive answer on whether the Internet is addictive (I'm inclined to suspect it isn't, but the research is still embryonic and I'm not a neuropsychiatrist). However, as nearly all of us in the university community are Web geeks to some extent, I think it's worthwhile to highlight the study's findings on what it classifies as "problematic Internet use," especially since the Washington Post implies that this issue could be particularly important for college campuses. \nA director at the University of Maryland's counseling center, one of the first places to treat these problems, told the Post that "surveys of students who seek counseling show an increase in those reporting that 'they either always or often had trouble controlling themselves on the Internet,'" from about 2 percent to 3 percent in the late 1990s to about 13 percent in 2005-06.\nSo what should students watch out for? According to the CNS Spectrums study, among its respondents: "5.9 percent felt their relationships suffered as a result of excessive Internet use; 8.7 percent attempted to conceal nonessential Internet use, 3.7 percent felt preoccupied by the Internet when offline; 13.7 percent found it hard to stay away from the Internet for several days at a time; 8.2 percent utilized the Internet as a way to escape problems or relieve negative mood; 12.3 percent had tried to cut back on Internet use, of whom 93.8 percent were successful; and 12.4 percent stayed online longer than intended very often or often." (Note: Percentages are adjusted to make the sample more reflective of the general population). \nIU Counseling and Psychological Services says answering yes to any two of the following questions could be grounds for concern: "Are you spending three or more hours a day online? Are you online when you would normally sleep? Do you skip or delay eating so you can be online? Are you choosing to go online rather than spend time with friends face to face? Are you skipping class to go online? Do you ever spend more time online than you first intended to? Do you ever tell yourself, 'I'll just check my e-mail,' and then stay online? Are your grades slipping? Have you tried to stop and find you can't?"\nIf you're having problems, you may want to call CAPS at 855-5711 or visit its Web ... Scratch that. Just call them.
(09/14/06 3:01am)
Let's not beat around the bush: TV on the Radio's "Return to Cookie Mountain" is one of this year's best rock albums. We're not talking "top-10" -- we're talking "top-3" or better. And I say this as a person who is not especially a fan of TVOTR (not that I dislike them), nor really into avant garde music, nor a person who tosses out A's like parade candy. Only time will tell, but "Cookie Mountain" might well be the band's masterpiece -- and if you fancy yourself a devotee of daring and sophisticated rock, you have to get this album.\nNot that "Cookie Mountain" will please everyone. Its pace is often slow, heavy and deliberate, its production chilly and unsettling, and some people will simply not get past the dissonant, simultaneous high-low vocals of Tunde Adebimpe and Kyp Malone (and their various collaborators including, if you haven't heard already, David Bowie). All that said, "Cookie Mountain" is much more accessible than TVOTR's first album, 2004's "Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes." While "Desperate Youth" was generally lauded by critics, (it won the 2004 Shorlist Music Prize and garnered attention thanks to single "Staring at the Sun") it was an album to be admired rather than loved. For all its technical skill and artistic ambition, track after track of hook-free droning made it less a collection of interesting songs than a roughly 45-minute meditation session -- interesting for a couple of plays, but doomed to gather dust on the shelf afterward.\nWith "Cookie Mountain," on the other hand, TVOTR do what made legends out of their idols Sonic Youth -- they pull their high-art music down from its pedestal, just close enough for us mere mortals to reach. While TVOTR hardly sound like anything else out there at the moment, the songs now have momentum and hooks, even sing-along choruses (albeit not in a "pump-your-fist" sort of way). The result is nothing short of stunning.\nFrom track to track, the band carries the listener through the sadness, fury, redemption and chaos of a post-apocalyptic world; they are clearly still pissed about the government's handling of Hurricane Katrina. Most surprising, perhaps, is first single, "Wolf Like Me," a bona fide rock song whose classic 4/4 beat (dum-dum-da-da-dum) will get your head bobbing while the closing chorus moves your lips ("we're howling forever, oo-oo!"). And, amaz ingly, in their abstract but poignant lyrics, TVOTR pull off the "Bono thing": simultaneously romantic, political and spiritual -- and if you think that's easy, ask Coldplay's Chris Martin.\nCritics often use the cliché "primal" to describe raw garage-rock acts such as Iggy Pop and the Stooges. TVOTR, however, show us what "primal" really sounds like. As complex as "Cookie Mountain" is, its simple, powerful, constant percussion; off-kilter multi-singer vocals; eerie guitar washes; and use of chants, flutes and other elements, make TVOTR sound less like a 21st century band than the unworldly music of ancient tribal ghosts dancing around an eternal bonfire.\nDare to join them?
(07/03/06 1:39am)
America turns 230 years old tomorrow, democracy still reigns and you have class off. So you know what that means: time to CELEBRATE!\nSome Fourth of July activities are obvious. From noon to 2 p.m., a concert will be held at the Monroe County Courthouse -- followed by Bloomington's Independence Day parade; whose route will run from 11th Street and College Avenue to the courthouse and back. Then, of course, there will be the fireworks at 10:15 p.m. at IU Memorial Stadium.\nBut beyond these options, there are virtually limitless ways to observe our rich cultural heritage. If I might make a few suggestions:\n• Movies. I'm guessing many of you will watch "Independence Day" or "The Patriot" -- and if that's what you really want to do, then, well ... enjoy. But if you're a big cinema buff, why not try to take in the work of some of our great filmmakers? Being sort of a classicist, the first to spring to my mind are the works of John Ford ("The Searchers"), John Huston ("The Maltese Falcon") and Frank Capra ("Mr. Smith Goes To Washington") -- but the choices are truly endless. Are Spike Lee, Oliver Stone, Quentin Tarantino or John Carpenter more your thing? Go for it. Or, why not arrange a marathon of the best of that uniquely American genre: the Western? \n• Music. Many countries celebrate their musical heritage by trotting out musty, old folk music that survives merely due to academic life support, tourism and historical reenactment groups. Not us. Since the dawn of the 20th century, the United States has had the world's most dynamic and influential musical culture, challenged only by Britain (and good luck disentangling the two). Jazz, Blues, Rock, Country, Folk, Hip-Hop, Electronica -- even (groan) Disco -- all have U.S. origins. So, why not spend the day giving an ear to the genres' pioneers: Chuck Berry, Elvis, Louis Armstrong, Muddy Waters, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, Miles Davis or The Ramones? And, OK, how about some Aaron Copland, Scott Joplin or George Gershwin for you classical geeks?\n• Sports. Again, a real easy way to enjoy our culture. Play a bit of baseball, basketball, football ... Just not soccer (I kid, I kid!). \n• Food. In this country, our diversity of cuisines matches our cultural diversity, and what could be more American than having Mexican for lunch and Chinese for dinner? But we also have our own endogenous creations. The greatest, of course, is barbecue, which, despite its French name, is an entirely different dish from what the rest of the world considers "barbecue" (throwing some meat on a grill, i.e., grilling). Sources differ on American barbecue's origins -- some say it was invented by slaves in the 18th century, others say by cowboys in the 19th century -- regardless, decades of care and regional innovation have turned it into a high culinary art form. Try cooking it yourself, you'll see what I mean. \nAnd don't forget that the ideas upon which this country was founded were thrashed out in taverns and ale houses. Best to maintain that tradition, too.
(05/15/06 11:46am)
On this page -- whether writing as columnists, or on the IDS's behalf -- we're not afraid to hold the University administration's feet to the fire. In fact, it's our duty to act as critical observers to render judgment on the stories the news desks uncover, to help serve as a community watchdog. Yeah, I know that sounds pretentious -- yeah yeah yeah, "Indiana Daily Stupid," tra ra ra -- but someone has to do it. Especially since universities, like most organizations, don't care much for the public airing of problems and disagreements. The tendency is to try to solve things behind closed doors, where, without scrutiny's light or the heat of public reaction, they might never get solved (or are solved only to the benefit of narrow, entrenched interests). So, in short, you're practically guaranteed to see us tilt against the administration time and again in the future.\nBut, that said, I want to take a moment to give the administration due credit for its support of a free press on this campus. As frustrated as we might get with each other sometimes, IU remains a place where the press fulfills its role in promoting a marketplace of ideas, where disparate viewpoints are given their say, where wide-ranging debates serve both the University's educational mission and its long-term interest. Other places aren't as lucky.\nTake, for example, Virginia's Hampton University, which is building a notorious reputation for muzzling both the campus press and free speech in general. On Friday, The Daily Press in Newport News, Va. reported that Jack White, a 29-year veteran of Time Magazine before being hired to teach at HU, quit his post citing "HU's repressive attitude toward freedom of speech." This is after, to quote The Daily Press: \n• In 2003, HU "seized copies of the student-run newspaper ... when editors ran a letter by (the) acting President and Provost ... on the third page, rather than on the cover;" \n• In 2002, the university lost the director of its journalism school thanks to "differences with HU President William R. Harvey about whether students would be allowed to practice free speech and free press in their reporting;"\n• And in 2005, the administration threatened to expel a student for "handing out fliers about the Bush administration, genocide in Sudan, AIDS awareness and homophobia" and disciplined others who protested this decision.\nMeanwhile, Thursday's Chronicle of Higher Education noted that three student journalists have sued Ocean County College in Toms River, N.J. for infringing on their First Amendment rights. Allegedly, the college's trustees fired the student newspaper's faculty advisor in revenge for the paper's "criticizing the cost of the president's inauguration and his decision to change a college logo." Heh -- if they saw the flogging we gave IU's administration over the now-defunct $30 athletics fee, they'd each pop a blood vessel.\nSee, even with our stately buildings, green quads and fat squirrels, we can't take these rights for granted. So exercise your rights -- send us letters.
(02/16/05 4:34am)
Humanities professors might be more "liberal" than the general public, but we don't need affirmative action for conservative professors. \nAs long as professors don't bully students, they have the right to lead their classes unassailed by political crusades supported by a "bill of rights" that lets students whine if they are taught about ideas they disagree with. If they are bullying students, then that is a performance issue; if they intentionally omit pertinent information in their lectures, then that's a competency issue. The University should hire and fire employees based on merit and ability rather than political persuasion.\nNo department would be immune to this bill, and the University would spend more time trying to be "politically balanced" than seeking the highest scholarship for its students. There are enough administrative tangles at IU and most other universities without adding political opinion exams to the hiring process.\nFurthermore, classes are not captive audiences. Most requisite classes have multiple sections. If students disagree so strongly with a professor's politics that it hinders learning, then they can take the class with another professor. Your college, your major and your classes are choices. \nTo say that students cannot discern fact from opinion and that they will be bamboozled into the beliefs of their professors insults us. On the contrary, lectures that challenge your belief system are an integral part of a well-rounded education. \nCollege professors are not necessarily supposed to reflect the belief system of the general public. University education is not about the lowest common denominator. Rather, it's about rising above cultural stereotypes and learning the intricacies in a chosen field. Professors are supposed to profess opinions about their topic of expertise.\nThe Academic Bill of Rights is a bad idea. Assuming it can be enforced, the bill could allow whoever holds the state legislature to bias university education in their favor.\nNevertheless, its support arises from legitimate concerns about academic diversity and freedom of expression. It exists because there are conservative students who feel questioning lecturers' assertions will subject them to humiliation or reprisal, who believe lecturers are stunting their education by substituting polemics for subject matter and who fear, upon reporting such unprofessional behavior, administrative authorities will prove unsympathetic. \nThese concerns must be investigated as closely as they would for any other campus demographic group. They strike at the University's core purpose. More important than any course's subject matter is the teaching of critical thinking: awareness of contrasting views, the weighing of evidence, the formulation of one's own stance. These are the tools that foster creativity, drive scientific inquiry, promote understanding, challenge dogmas and give rise to new ideas.\nFor faculty and administration, the temptation to reject any criticism will be great -- but this would be a mistake. To steal a phrase from Charlie Nelms, IU's vice president for student development and diversity, this issue represents a teachable moment for faculty, administration and students all.
(01/10/05 4:42am)
Last week, a run-on sentence and a severely mixed metaphor followed by a cascade of dangling participles led to the tragic collapse of this column, afflicting dozens with eye strain and a widespread sense of confusion.\nBut today, U.N. Under-Secretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs and Emergency Relief Coordinator Jan Egbeater announced that the United Nations has developed a four-point plan for responding to this crisis. This plan, entitled "Preparation for Assistance in Emergency Column Help" (Preparation-AECH), upon proper application, will decrease readers' irritation and provide soothing relief to the Opinion page's affected region. Preparation-AECH comprises the following:\n• Diplomatic representatives from countries wishing to assist in applying Preparation-AECH will meet with U.N. officials at a special conference in Vienna, where the representatives will be asked to draw up a statement of intent, indicating that they will consider the possibility of holding a symposium on the potential use of fact-finding missions to examine the implications of organizing a summit at which the collected leaders may evaluate the prospect of convening an assembly for the discussion of options inherent in the creation of a temporary group for the organization of talks on the precursory discussions involved in the preparation for the planning of emergency aid efforts. This conference will take place in six months, or upon a date for which all the representatives have no scheduling conflicts. And not on a Sunday, unless "Desperate Housewives" is a repeat.\n• Once the initial preparations have been made, the coordination of the aid effort will be headed by an experienced and trusted U.N. official: Benon DaTake, former director of Iraq's Oil-for-Food program. The U.S. government has accused Mr. DaTake of accepting oil as payment from the Saddam Hussein regime -- but such charges are unsubstantiated. "The Americans have undertaken a witch hunt against me," Mr. DaTake has said, "because they can't compete with my low, low prices! Come on down to Crazy Benon's and get some crude for your brood!"\n• The United Nations has recently come under criticism for its handling of charges of sexual harassment against senior officials. This criticism is false and unfounded, of course, but we are nevertheless concerned about the organization's image. Thus, former U.N. High-Commissioner for Refugees Ruud Luvvin will head a Health and Occupational Regulations, New Investigations (HOR-NI) unit for the column reconstruction program. "My unit has experience with probing deeply into sensitive areas before they become inflamed," Mr. Luvvin has said, "and will serve as a tool for handling any gaps between regulation and practice that the U.N. needs filled."\n• To guarantee the highest standards of integrity and freedom of expression, the U.N. Commission on Human Rights has selected a committee to oversee this column's content until the IDS is prepared to resume full sovereignty. Members of the Content Committee include delegates from China, Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Syria. The chair of the committee, the honorable delegate from Syria, assures readers that "we will be as fair and honest regarding this column's content as we would in our own newspapers. And besides," the delegate adds, "if anything goes wrong, it's Israel's fault."\nSuch bold action is not cheap. To ensure that the reconstruction of this column is a lasting success, Mr. Egbeater has issued an appeal for $124 million -- a low estimate, and certainly within the reach of stingy, developed (particularly English-speaking, non-Canadian) countries. The American government may believe it is doing well by sending a new word processor; Australia may think a copy of "Blimey, It's Grammar, Mate!" is enough -- but the world knows differently.
(07/29/04 1:00am)
I was going to write about something important this week, like the New York Post's revelation that Ashlee Simpson can belch the alphabet (July 27). But my evil editor said that if I didn't comment on the Democratic National Convention, he'd cut my Indiana Daily Student dental plan. \nAnd I need my novocaine, dammit. \nSo here are a few observations following Monday and Tuesday's coverage: \n• The purposes of the convention\nA political convention's traditional purpose is to unify the party behind a single candidate. But since the 1950s, state primaries have rendered this moot. Now the goals, besides convention nookie, are publicity for the candidate and deciding on a party platform. \nSo, how's the publicity? Not good. According to The New York Times, ratings declined by 907,000 households for the start of this year's convention relative to last year's -- almost a 4.2 percent drop (July 27). And the major networks cut their coverage to three hours over four nights (The New York Times, July 25, 27).\nOn the platform, the Dems were more successful. In fact, they squeezed it down to one simple plank: We hate Bush. \nNo, that's not true. There was a second plank: You can have whatever you want. Apparently you can have more environmental regulation; more jobs and more competitive companies; more protection from imports and outsourcing but better relations with other countries; more government-provided health care and more funding for education; and lower deficits and lower corporate tax rates (BusinessWeek, Aug. 2) -- all with no trade-offs. I just wish I knew how.\n• Jimmy Carter's speech.\nHearing Jimmy comment on foreign policy is like reading a Cosmo article on "Ten Tips for Great Oral Sex" written by the Pope. I guess the Dems couldn't find a worse "expert," Woodrow Wilson being dead. \nI have trouble taking seriously quotes like, "We cannot enhance our own security if we place in jeopardy ... the centrality of human rights in our daily lives and in global affairs" after seeing photos of Jimmy shaking hands with Castro.\nI hear you say: "Camp David." I'll add three words: Iranian hostage crisis.\nAnd how about four more: Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. It all equals one: disaster.\n• Bill Clinton's speech\nWho else could slash intelligence funding while in office, then deride the current administration for reducing funds for police officers? Or claim a cruise missile attack on one al-Qaida compound represented "strong efforts against terror?" Or accuse the current administration of putting America at China's mercy by issuing government bonds on international markets, after he himself further opened the U.S. market to cheap Chinese imports? \nWhen Bill left office, we lost a maestro in the art of hypocrisy.\n• Barack Obama's speech\nObama is a Senate candidate from Illinois who gave Tuesday night's keynote speech. He is telegenic, charismatic, intelligent and radiates a sincere idealism that is downright eerie. \nClearly, he must get his act together.\nIf he has any sense of American history, by the time he reaches the presidency he needs to be a) adulterous, b) corrupt or c) assassinated. \nHell, JFK was all three.\n• Teresa Heinz Kerry's speech\nOK, she's his wife. So, why didn't she give us an insight into Kerry the bloke? You know, the guy who tells dumb jokes (or not), the guy who loves Led Zeppelin (or not), the guy who once ate a brine shrimp on a bet (or not). We have his resume -- senator, Vietnam vet -- but we still don't know who he is. \nHowever, we did learn that she doesn't like being called opinionated -- probably because of the word's association with opinion columnists. \nAt least she has taste.
(07/19/04 1:34am)
This past Monday, the United States Postal Service issued a stamp commemorating the 50th anniversary of Buckminster Fuller's patent for the geodesic dome. \nBuckminster Fuller (1895-1983) was an inventor, architect and futurist whose innovations ranged from three-wheeled "Dymaxion Cars" to prefabricated "Dymaxion Bathrooms." For those of you who haven't been to Epcot Center, the geodesic dome is a spherical structure with a framework of interlocking triangular and circular panels.\nAccording to a June 23 USPS press release: "Lightweight, cost-effective, and easy to assemble, geodesic domes enclose more space without intrusive supporting columns than any other structure, efficiently distribute stress, and can withstand extremely harsh conditions." \nFifty years! And how many of these sturdy, efficient edifices of tomorrow do you see today?\nThat's right: bugger all.\nI can't speak as to the value of geodesic domes relative to regular buildings. They could be more or less efficient, more or less advanced -- you'll have to e-mail a Purdue geek to answer that question. But their scarcity is symptomatic of a larger problem facing modern society: We live in the future, and it's lame.\nWe do have some "Jetsons"-esque devices: robot vacuum cleaners, videophones, laser weapons and mechanical arms wired to monkeys' brains. And there are some things that would make mid-20th century scientists' heads explode: the Internet, the pervasive influence of computers, cloning, We're so much in the future that science fiction visionary William Gibson set his latest cyberpunk book, "Pattern Recognition," in the present day.\nBut then we haven't set foot on the moon in over 30 years. The shuttle -- reusable but limited to Earth's orbit -- is a supreme victory of "cost-effectiveness" over vision. It's the Yugo of space travel. Meanwhile, in contrast to the PanAm space-plane of Stanley Kubrick's "2001," the first private spacecraft -- seating one person and reaching only 408 feet past the international boundary for space -- only flew on June 23 of this year. We still haven't sent a person to Mars. The "bold" plan proposed by the Bush administration doesn't have it happening before 2030, and it looks likely to be a casualty of partisan bickering. \nIt gets worse. Interplanetary spacecraft, after all, are a tall order -- shuttles alone are exceedingly complex and expensive. But what about jet packs? Well, jet packs were around in the mid-1960s. The Bell Aerospace Rocket Belt made a cameo appearance in the James Bond movie "Thunderball." But when was the last time you took one to class?\nAnd we are still missing the sine qua non item of the future. A device whose existence is so intertwined with the American portrait of technological advancement that it has appeared in everything from "Blade Runner" to "Back to the Future," "Star Trek" to "Star Wars." I speak, of course, of the flying car.\nAccording to Retrofuture.com, a flying car, the Consolidated Vultee Aircraft Company's ConvAIRCAR, was built and flown around San Diego in 1947. Unfortunately the prototype crashed several days later, and lack of demand and bad publicity killed the project. Retro Future writes that "over 30 patents for flying cars (were) filed (in the 20th) century in the United States alone," but all have been stopped not only by engineering limitations, but Federal Aviation Administration regulations and insurance costs.\nThus we come to the reason why the future is so dull. It is not by the immutable laws of physics, but because we left bureaucrats, lobbyists and lawyers unchecked. There was no public pressure against their conservative inertia, no courage to temper their caution.\nWe let them decide the future for us.
(07/01/04 1:19am)
While poking around the library the other day, I found an old parchment stuffed in a book of 18th century customs records. On examination, I realized I had discovered one of the most important documents in American history: a transcript of the first Fourth of July celebration.\nThe author is unknown, but on July 4, 1777, the founding fathers held a secret meeting somewhere in Virginia at an "estate renowned for a pool of bluest water gracing the back garden." There they had "a most genial time in their discourses and feasted upon victuals roasted over an iron grill."\nThus, to honor our country's upcoming 228th birthday, I have published the text here. Sadly, it is incomplete. Nevertheless, I believe it will enrich the story of our nation's origins.\n(John Adams has undertaken the roasting.)\nAlexander Hamilton: Mmm, meat's looking good, John.\nJohn Adams: Thanks.\nThomas Jefferson: Perhaps you should let me have a turn at the roasting?\nHamilton: Naw, leave him alone. We're better off with only one roast-meister.\nJefferson: But it is too much to entrust to one man! Shall all the meat be done to merely one man's liking? Why, each man should be in charge of his own roasting!\nHamilton: What's the matter, TJ? Not dark enough?\nJefferson: What was that?\nThomas Paine: Hey fellas, look what Ben Franklin sent me from Paris! It came with a note that reads "For Your Amusement -- Ben." (Opens a wooden box.)\nHamilton: What is it? Sex toys?\nPaine: No, it's firecrackers! You light them and they explode!\nAll: Cool!\nAdams: Ooh! Light that small black tab! It looks deadly! \nPaine: OK. (Lights it.) There it goes! … And it's going! … And it's, uh, sort of an ash snake.\nHamilton: Oh man, that was weak! Try another.\nPaine: (Lights a small red ball.) It's, uh, smoking.\nHamilton: (Cough, cough.) You think?\nJefferson: Damn these abominable firecrackers! Are there none that explode?\nPaine: Hmmm … These ones pop when you pull the string … And these ones crack when thrown against cobble stones…\nHamilton: Hey, look, a cigar!\nPaine: Naw, that one doesn't look cool … Wonder what this does? (Holds a thin iron rod over the flame.) Wow! Look at it spark! I'm going to run around the yard with it! (Hands the box to Hamilton.)\nAdams: Be careful, Tom!\nPaine: Ow! My eye!\nAdams: That Tom Paine, no common sense.\nGeorge Washington: Hi guys! Sorry I'm late! I had to, like, fight a war.\nHamilton: No prob. Here George, have a cigar.\nWashington: Thanks! (Lights the cigar.)\nCigar: BOOM!\nWashington: Ow! My teef! Na ah'm gonna havta geh wuddin teef!\nAll: Ha! Ha!\nWashington: Hamiltuh, ya are a dih!\nAll: Ha! Ha!\nSamuel Adams: Hi everyone!\nAll: Sam!\nPaine: Sam, did you bring the beer?\nSamuel Adams: Actually, I brought something better! My latest invention: the wine cooler! Here, try one! (Hands them out. The others drink.) So, what do you think?\nAll: (Silence.)\nSamuel Adams: Well, do you like them? They're strawberry-kiwi flavored!\nJefferson: It's very … um … sweet.\nSamuel Adams: I knew you'd like them! My daughter Sicily loves them. So much so that we've taken to calling them "Sissy drinks."\nJohn Adams: OK, everybody, soup's on!\nHamilton: First, one more firecracker! (Removes a firecracker from the box.)\nPaine: Hey, what's that say on the side?\nHamilton: Hmmm … "'M' and four-score." Here Tom, hold it while I light it.\n(Parchment ends.)
(06/17/04 1:48am)
It's that time of year again. Fresh-faced freshmen and their families are pouring onto campus from every corner of the globe: from South Bend to Evansville, from Indianapolis to Terre Haute. Perhaps even West Lafayette. \nOrientation is underway. And, as Melanie Payne, Associate Director of Orientation Programs, explained to the IDS, "We have to carefully select the messages we send to each year's freshmen" (Monday). \nThus, I have taken it upon myself to aid in this process by dispelling some common myths about life here at IU. Hopefully, I can help our new arrivals feel less confused, less overwhelmed and better able to adapt to the life ahead of them.\nMyth #1: IU's official colors are red and white.\nFact: IU's official colors are actually crimson and cream (as of January 2002). What are crimson and cream, you ask? Well, OK, they're sort of red and white. But the important thing is the "cr," which comes from the Anglo-Saxon word "kerr," meaning "intellectual rigor," or "sheep's bladder," depending on the intonation.\nMyth #2: IU was founded by Herman B Wells.\nFact: While Herman Wells is much revered here, he was actually the 11th president of IU (from 1938 to 1962). The process toward the University's creation was set in motion in 1816, and the campus became "Indiana University" in 1838. But Herman's impact cannot be underestimated. People liked him so much, in fact, that they had him bronzed and placed on a bench in the Old Crescent. Judging by the look on his face, he never saw it coming.\nMyth #3: A female student isn't officially a co-ed until she is kissed at midnight in the Rose Well House (also known as "that-stone-gazebo-thing-across-from-bronzed-Herman").\nFact: A physics student isn't officially a physicist until they are kissed at midnight in the Rose Well House. IU hasn't graduated a physicist since 1912.\nMyth #4: IU has a football team.\nFact: This is a very common mistake and, to date, many don't know the truth behind this myth. The fact is that IU has a foosball team, not a football team. Foosball, or table soccer, has been a phenomenon at IU since the mid-1960s, when the first tables were imported from Germany. IU has produced many foosball champions, including members of the U.S. exhibition team for the 1976 Winter Olympics in Innsbruck, Austria. The misunderstanding arises because every fall, for a laugh, the IU foosball team dons football uniforms and gets beaten mercilessly by the full-time football teams of the other Big Ten schools. Go see a "game" or two: They're a hoot.\nMyth #5: IDS columnists are hired for their writing talent and interest in current events.\nFact: This is only partly true. IDS columnists are hired for their writing talent, interest in current events and superhuman sexual prowess. This explains our exorbitant salaries of $8 per column.\nMyth #6: The "Little 500" is a bicycle race in late April.\nFact: The "Little 500" is a keg party that begins mid-January and ends sometime around May.\nMyth #7: This year, incoming students will have to pay a one-time, $30 athletics fee because the athletics department budget has been mismanaged.\nFact: Totally false. The athletics department budget has not been mismanaged. Sure, it faces an annual $2 million deficit and is $5 million in debt -- but if you were holding a hand with four Jacks, you'd have bet it all too. I mean, what were the odds?\nI hope you find this information helpful for the years ahead. By the way, watch out for the Main Library; I hear it's sinking.
(06/03/04 1:16am)
Last Friday, a group of American bishops, including the bishop of Indianapolis, were warned by the Pope that American society is "increasingly in danger of forgetting its spiritual roots and yielding to a purely materialistic and soulless vision of the world" (The Associated Press, May 28). His Holiness instructed the bishops "to confront directly the widespread spirit of agnosticism and relativism which has cast doubt on reason's ability to know the truth, which alone satisfies the human heart's restless quest for meaning."\nYeah, I don't know what that means, either. But to help us understand this problem, I "interviewed" "Dr. Nick Scratch," visiting "scholar" in religious studies from the "University of Malebolge." The interview has been transcribed below.\nMcFillen: Dr. Scratch, thank you for agreeing to do this interview. \nDr. Scratch: Thank you for summoning me here. I'm always concerned about the state of souls in America.\nMc: What exactly is the Pope saying when he claims American society is "forgetting its spiritual roots" and becoming "soulless"?\nDr. S: Well, obviously, Americans are turning their backs on spirituality, on faith, on the traditional values of their forefathers.\nMc: But how so? In a 2000 study of 65 countries, political scientists Ronald Inglehart and Wayne Baker found that the United States had the most traditional set of values of all advanced industrial countries. According to the 1981 and 1990 World Values Surveys, out of 20 countries from five continents, our country was in the top three regarding belief in God, belief in the existence of sin, church attendance…\nDr. S: But there's more to spirituality than church attendance. Quantity doesn't denote quality. For some countries, the parishioners are so devout that services are conducted in languages people don't even use, dead languages. Religion loses its mystery when you actually know what the priest is saying. \nMc: So, do you agree with the Pope's statement that we're losing our soul to materialism?\nDr. S.: Oh yes, Americans are so materialistic. Might I use you as an example?\nMc: Go ahead.\nDr. S: At the end of the day, when you get home to your apartment and sit in your La-Z-Boy and listen to CDs, you have nothing except your own comfort in mind. However, when the Pope gets back to his 1,000-room palace and sits on his 24-karat gold throne and listens to some choir that traveled 8,000 miles to sing to him, he's doing it for the greater glory of God. You see, you must look beyond material things.\nMc: So what can we do to reclaim America's soul?\nDr. S.: The heart of faith is trust. America must learn to trust religious authorities. The United States doesn't even have a national church.\nMc: But that's part of the whole freedom of religion thing ...\nDr. S: Pish tosh! You want a country with real faith? Look at Iran.\nMc: But their government's a brutal theocracy! They sponsor terrorists! \nDr. S: Please, they're holy warriors -- and what's an occasional drubbing by secret police compared to the contentment of having real, unquestioning faith in one's spiritual leaders? America has lost that. \nMc: How do we get it back?\nDr. S: It will be a slow process. I recommend starting with a gesture of good will. Why not send a special delegation to the Vatican? Say, 1,000 choir boys with gold chalices full of scented oils? That should grease the wheels a bit.\nMc: Thank you, doctor. Um, what's that smell? Rotten eggs?\nDr. S: Oops, gotta' go. I've got a 2 o'clock tee time.
(05/20/04 1:24am)
A great deal of disturbing news has come to light over this past week, but there have been no stories more troubling than two reported Tuesday by The Associated Press. \nAccording to the AP, a high school student in Odessa, Texas, was hospitalized after drinking an unnamed substance from the school's chemistry lab. Upon recovering enough to speak, he claimed to have done it on a dare. \nMeanwhile, in Albuquerque, N.M., a man was permanently banned from the Rio Grande Zoo after authorities identified a finger found outside the jaguar exhibit as his. In a phone interview with zoo officials, the man had denied getting it bitten off -- but fingerprint analysis let the cat out of the bag.\nThese two incidents point to one undeniable conclusion: the cruel law of natural selection is out to destroy us all. Who among us can deny the awful temptation to discover what sticking one's tongue in an electrical socket feels like, or to show off in front of friends by sitting on a gas grill, or to see if corn chips go well with bleach?\nAlong with hunger, thirst and the desire to reproduce, the need for creative self-destruction is a universal human drive. Warning labels, safety caps and countless lawsuits say the same thing: we must be protected from ourselves.\nThus, here at the IDS consumer safety office, we have composed a set of guidelines to help you enjoy your newspaper safely, both for your own sake and for the sake of those around you.\n-- This newspaper is not to be taken internally, even if it does taste like cotton candy and chocolate chip cookie dough mushed up together and wrapped in a fresh buttermilk pancake. In laboratory tests, animals that consumed newspapers were found to die, eventually -- sometimes years later. Especially if we stopped feeding them.\n-- Do not fall asleep while operating newspaper. The IDS takes no responsibility for the accidental transference of text, photos, cartoons or other features to any part of the facial region. Such reproduction of IDS properties may be in violation of copyright and subject to a $250,000 federal fine. Licenses for cranial publication can be obtained by sending $50 to the IDS Licensing Office, c/o Mr. Brian J. McFillen, chief licensing officer.\n-- Do not use this newspaper as a parachute, glider or as any other devise to slow your rate of descent from a great height unless you are Mary Poppins or that guy from Outkast's "The Way You Move" video -- in which case, happy landings!\n-- Repeated tests have shown that this newspaper cannot be used as an aphrodisiac except Weekend, which will make you hornier than a foot fetishist at the Dr. Scholl's factory. To avoid sexual harassment suits, read the Weekend in the privacy of your own home -- we recommend under a blanket, with a flashlight and petroleum jelly.\n-- This newspaper is not to be used as a flotation device in the event of an emergency. Small portions of the newspaper, folded properly and treated with wax, may indeed float. However, the IDS is not responsible for damages incurred by collisions with waterfowl, schooners, Scottish plesiosaurs or water.\n-- Do not taunt the newspaper. In particular, do not make fun of its mother. The IDS is not responsible if the newspaper gets hard core medieval on your ass with an axe handle, barbed wire and a pair of pruning shears. No, the newspaper is not playin' with you.\n-- Main ingredients: wood pulp, ink, guano. \nFollow these simple rules and you'll ensure a secure and enjoyable reading experience for yourself and everyone else. \nOw! Damn paper cuts.