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(03/20/07 4:00am)
Roll over lushes, it’s time to come back to reality!\nSpring break is a magical time filled with relaxing oceanic adventures, orgasmic boat tours and multiple trips to the porn store when your friends are out of town and you have less chance of getting caught. (Which reminds me, does anyone have a copy of “Are You My Daddy? Vol. 20” that I could borrow?)\nAlas, the white-sanded dreams of the week have given way to the unpleasant notion of returning to school. Unfortunately, many students seem too occupied during their time away to keep up with the news. After all, most college newspapers, which we know are your only sources of information, take the week off as well. The result is a student population returning to campus tremendously uninformed. You probably took time off of sucking straws and venerating Anna Nicole Smith’s grave to keep up with IU’s quest in the NCAA tournament. The team appreciates your support. They did, after all, have a tough time getting past the red-headed Catholic school girls from Gonzaga (which is a pretty good description of Gonzaga’s David Pendergraft). \nOther than basketball, however, it’s doubtful you kept up on much news over the past week. Fortunately, I kept a constant watch on C-Span and CNN when changing porno tapes. Here’s a sampling of the news you missed:\n• Valarie Plame Wilson, the CIA agent at the center of the I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby scandal and wife of former ambassador Joe Wilson, testified before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. Aside from stating information everyone was well aware of, Wilson received the coveted “Hottest CIA Agent” award. Matt Damon was ruled ineligible since he only portrayed an agent in a movie. What a crock!\n• Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and eight other presidential candidates spoke before the International Association of Fire Fighters in an effort to win the support of the 280,000-member labor union. Political analysts (read: I) predict the union’s endorsement will go to the candidate with the sexiest legs. At the moment that appears to be John McCain. In related news, while Hillary was addressing the firefighters, Bill Clinton was undressing the firefighters’ wives.\n• Sen. Sam Brownback, a conservative Republican, took heat from some of his Democratic counterparts in the presidential race when he publicly supported a recent statement by Gen. Peter Pace that homosexual acts are “immoral.” Brownback and Pace are justified in saying this as they’ve recently attained the respective positions of God and Jesus Christ. Brownback, under his Catholic faith, seems to prescribe to the classic “love the sinner, hate the sin” ideology. He doesn’t hate gays, he just hates it when they get it on. Following the same logic, Brownback loves terrorists but hates terrorism. Makes sense, right?\nThese stories were a mere sampling of the hard news items you partyers missed over the break. Anna Nicole may be gone, but she’ll never be forgotten, at least as long as the porn store stays open.
(03/06/07 5:00am)
Life has a funny way of crapping on us when we least expect it. (So do birds, but a little shotgun action takes care of that problem. It’s much harder to punish life for taking a big No. 2 all over our aspirations.)\nNevertheless, life gave me a big dose of reality recently, and it reeks worse than Rosie O’Donnell two days after a buffet. If I wanted someone to crap on me, I’d ask a German porn star. The IU board of trustees were the last people I expected to humiliate me, but that’s exactly what happened when they took away my dream of being your next president.\nLast week the board announced Michael McRobbie as the next IU president. It’s understandable that you don’t remember or care. I, after all, wasn’t selected, despite months of advocacy in this column and stalking of search committee members (you’ll never guess which one wears Scooby-Doo underwear).\nMcRobbie’s hiring has me very confused. Why not hire me? True, McRobbie has tremendous qualifications. He is, after all, Australian, which nominates him for sexiest accent on campus. But beyond this, it seems that I’m just as experienced as McRobbie. Take, for example, the man’s background, closely comparable to \nmy own:\n• IU Vice President for Information Technology \nNot only do I have a solid background in Microsoft Office applications, but friends know me as the “Clip Art King.” It seems wholly illogical to think that information technology goes anywhere beyond learning Access databases and making graphs in Excel. I did, after all, get an A in Information Technology 101, which qualifies anyone to be a vice president.\n• IU Vice President for Research \nLike all college students, I have a knack for looking up trivial information on Wikipedia, which is the cornerstone of research in higher education. In fifth grade I even did research on the Oregon Trail, which consisted mostly of copying directly from Encyclopedia Britannica and playing the classic “Oregon Trail” game on Macintosh. The report went very well. I got a gold star. Unfortunately, my brother Jebediah died of dysentery in Utah. It’s clear my research credits speak for \nthemselves.\n• IU Professorship in Philosophy \nI know Rene Descartes, and I also think that moral relativism and existentialism are linked by a metaphysical presence that binds our perception of reality and truth. You’re probably thinking that makes absolutely no sense, but so goes the field of philosophy. I’m sure I’ll be granted tenure in that department sometime soon.\n• Not a Giant Douche or Turd \nSandwich\nThe cartoon “South Park” famously postulated that school leadership inevitably comes down to a choice between the above two undesirables. McRobbie’s biography makes no reference to him being either a douche or a turd. As far as I know, neither am I.\nThese are just a few of McRobbie’s strengths. In retrospect, while the trustees’ decision to hire him over me was harsh, it was probably the best move for the University. I’m far too occupied watching German porn.
(02/27/07 5:00am)
Today, fellow students, marks the most important day of the academic year. Forget midterms, screw finals and don’t even think about Little 500.\nToday is the first day to cast your votes for IU Student Association congressional candidates, your student government.\nThis week, I give you a review of some of the more hilarious votes cast in the 2006 congressional election. Last year’s complete election results (including these write-ins) can be found in PDF format on the IUSA Web site at www.indiana.edu/~iusa/elections/2006electionresults.pdf.\nPerhaps the most striking vote came not for a particular person but for an insult or action concerning IUSA. Editorial concerns prevent the printing of the full vote, but I’ll say it rhymes with buck, starts with “F” and ends with “uck.” Why anyone would vote for “Firetruck IUSA” is beyond me. Then again, someone did cast a vote for “Ugg Boots.” Considering the visibility of Uggs on campus, however, they probably would have done a pretty good job.\nA couple of votes were for “Douchewad McGee” and “Poopface McGee.” The McGee family was certainly well-represented. Conservative pundit “Anne Coulter” (sic) also garnered a vote. Coulter, according to various fake sources, was actually born with the last name McGee. Ironic.\nCandy even seems to have made its way into the ballot box with a vote for “M & M.” Skittles, however, was passed over for a vote, and for good reason: Those fruity and flamboyant rainbow delights have no mind for governance. They’re also not allowed to adopt children or get married, which makes conservative Christians very happy.\nPolitical leaders received votes when ballots were cast for “Dick Cheney,” “Jimmy Carter” and “Al Gore,” none of whom, unfortunately, received enough support to win. Perhaps this is good. Shotguns aren’t allowed on campus, so that disqualifies Cheney. Carter would bring trouble, and the last thing we need is Iranians taking students hostage in the Indiana Memorial Union. Gore probably would have done all right, however. Plus, he’s not doing anything particularly important at the moment.\nFormer Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin even got support – good thing they preserved his body. And someone voted for “The Mexican Government.” One wonders if they’d won, would the Minutemen allow them in the country?\nThere were some senseless votes for “Your Mother” and “My Dad.” Put these together and you get a composite vote for “One Steamy Affair.” \nSome freedom-haters even cast votes for “Osama bin-Laden.” Have no fear; these were counterbalanced by plentiful votes for “Chuck Norris” and even one for “Mister T.” Norris and T could have certainly kept the order if needed.\nLast, there were 4,505 votes cast for candidates of the Hoosier party, which went on to claim the executive offices. Depending on your opinion, this may have been the best or worst vote of all.\nJust remember, student government is your voice. Your opinion is valued. If you disapprove of the way you’re represented, don’t hesitate to contact IUSA and tell them: “Hey, Firetruck you!”
(02/20/07 5:00am)
There’s been a lot of talk around the IU campus as of late concerning a somewhat controversial decision from President Herbert to ban smoking. Take, for example, the following overheard conversation between a nonsmoker and a smoker:\nNonsmoker: Pretty soon you’ll have to go off campus for that cancer stick. Ha ha.\nSmoker: True. In the meantime I think I’ll put this cigarette out on your eyeball, jerk.\nMe (lighting a cigarette): Whoa, guys. Calm it down. \nTo be fair, that nonsmoker guy was a jerk. His eyeball had it coming.\nGranted there is still time for resounding debate on the topic, but one has to wonder: Will there be any special exceptions? Perhaps. That is, there will be if the University administration operates anything like the United States Congress.\nThere’s an old image about politicians, especially those in Washington, D.C., that most of their jobs are done by making inside deals in smoke-filled rooms. There’s a reason the smoke-filled rooms cliche stands: because it’s true. At least it was until reform-minded Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi came to town (boo, hiss, spit, cackle). Several weeks ago, the California Democrat put a stop to a practice that members of Congress had enjoyed for, well, as long as they’ve been around. Smoking was recently banned inside the Capitol’s Speaker’s Lobby, the last refuge for legislators wanting a quick nicotine fix before voting. \nWhat’s funny is not the fact that smoking had been allowed in various parts of the Capitol for so long, but that it had been outlawed in other federal buildings. That’s the nice thing about making the rules: You don’t have to follow them if you have the power to exempt yourself. And that’s exactly what Congress did, and does – frequently. For instance, certain federal laws guarding maternity leave do not apply to Congress, but maybe that’s because most of them are way past child-rearing age. Besides, who wants more little Trent Lotts or Hillary Clintons running around? Oh, and don’t forget the fact that handguns are prohibited in the nation’s capital, except for members of Congress. (Which begs the question: Does Indiana Sen. Richard Lugar carry a Lugar pistol with him to the floor of the Senate? But I digress.)\nWith the new ban from Pelosi, legislators will have to brave the cold winter air of Washington if they still want to grab a puff, or they can retreat back to their private offices across the street, where smoking is still allowed and doesn’t show any sign of being restricted.\nWe still have until at least Oct. 1 to light up on the IU campus. At that time, a more definite policy decision will be made by the University administration. Let’s hope that if it does decide on an outright smoking ban, it will be applied to everyone – including the administrators.\nOtherwise, there might be a lot of students showing up at Bryan House, the president’s residence, to shoot the breeze and, what the heck, take a few puffs. How much you want to bet this president doesn’t inhale?
(02/13/07 2:07am)
We, as humans, are extremely indecisive.\nExhibit A: The Rev. Ted Haggard. Married with five children, Haggard was the pastor of an evangelical Colorado megachurch. For three years he allegedly engaged in "sexually immoral" actions with a male prostitute. There were also various claims of drug use. Now, after three weeks of "treatment," Haggard has announced that he's been cured of his delicious male cravings. Hurray! He's completely heterosexual. Haggard will leave ministry behind and pursue a master's degree in psychology. No joke.\nCome on, Ted, make up your mind. Are you straight, gay or a psychologist? You can't be all three. More importantly: Does this logic equate psychology with bisexualism? Perhaps. More important than this: Is it too late for me to switch majors? Those psychology girls, and guys, are spicy! \nExhibit B: Me. I can never make a decision and run with it. For example: my career paths. First it was garbage collector, then lawyer, followed by FBI agent, hypocritical evangelical Christian pastor, music teacher and now this watered-down academic poppycock. Can anyone even tell me what public affairs is all about? It's not sex, that's for sure.\nWell, no more. From here on I'm standing firm. I've made a decision, and it's being seen through until completion. I will be the next president of IU.\nLoyal readers of this column (which include my mother, Colin Dugdale and IU President Adam Herbert) will remember several previous instances in which I asserted my case to be the next president of IU. As you're aware, the Presidential Search Committee, chaired by trustee Sue Talbot, recently wrapped up its first round of interviews. A report has gone to the board of trustees, who will make the final decision regarding the new president.\nFor some strange reason, the search committee took a liking to me. Their conversation with me, while brief, solidified my belief that I, like Herbert, will soon be enforcing frivolous smoking policies at IU. Take, for example, my recent interview:\nMe: Thank you for having me today. I'm honored to be in the presence of such wise people, none of which represent the Bloomington students.\nChairwoman Talbot: Um, you're welcome. Now that you've served us lunch, you can leave. Please close the door on the way out. Oh, bring me more coffee.\nShort? Yes. Flattering? Maybe. What's certain on my end is that there was some definite positive energy going on, which may have been nothing more than the large amount of pacemakers in the room.\nThey always say, however, that you should follow up on an interview. So I called Talbot at her house, just to make it more personal:\nMe: Hi, Sue! Great talking with you the other day.\nTalbot: Who are you? Stop calling or I'm getting the police!\nYou see, the search process is supposed to be secret. She was just being coy and playing along.\nStudents, faculty and outsourced workers: I'm ready to take on this new responsibility. If not, I know a guy versed in psychology who's looking for a new job.
(02/06/07 12:21am)
Last Friday, like most days, was completely normal and predictable. Colts talk dominated every local news station, Iraqis were much better off without Saddam, and the IU board of trustees praised a plan to outsource University operations without so much as a fart.\nAs you and your mother-in-law have heard, there has been some controversy surrounding the potential privatization of certain IU Motor Pool resources. Take, for example, this conversation with my mother-in-law:\nM-I-L: Hey, Scott. What's with this outsourcing thing at IU?\nMe: I don't know. It has something to do with saving money.\nM-I-L: Capitalist jerks. You coming over for dinner? I'm making meatloaf.\nMe: Yeah, I suppose.\nAll right, so the outsourcing plan isn't that terrible. (The meatloaf, however, is.)\nThe fact that the trustees were so accepting of outsourcing isn't too surprising. Privatizing public services is a hot trend, and is generally seen as positive. Trustee Sue Talbot had this to say about the plan: "I applaud this. You've brought the right kind of thing to Indiana University. I hope many people lose their jobs."\nOK, so that last sentence was made up. The trustees don't want anything negative to affect the families of IU students and employees. This is precisely why the board is preparing to unveil a plan to privatize even more services and positions. Fortunately, as a member of the communist press, I've been granted access to the board's forthcoming plans. Disclaimer: The accuracy of this information is highly suspect or downright false.\n• The IU Bookstore: Instead of students and other professional staff selling us overpriced books and office supplies, the stores will now be operated by Borders. This is generally seen as a good move for students. Oversize padded chairs will furnish the oncampus stores, as well as many new selections. A section named "Gay and Lesbian Interest" will be added, conveniently across from the "Current Affairs" books. This will allow curious browsers to quickly pretend to be looking at political books when other people walk by. I, for one, plan to spend a lot of time looking at gay erotica -- er -- Bill O'Reilly's book.\n• IDS columnist Scott Leadingham: Every week, you, dear students and friends, are forced to read the mindless and inflammatory drivel of this humble commentator. Well, no more. Beginning soon, "The Leading Edge" column will be written by a robot -- one made to look like Bill O'Reilly. Certainly, there will be nothing mindless or inflammatory coming from the O'Reilly robot. \n• The board of trustees: Rather than appointing members by a democratic and public process, board members will be replaced by pet-store gerbils that squeak and nod their approval at every policy brought forth by the president. Unfortunately, undergraduates will still have no say in the search for the new president. Gerbils, like human trustees, abhor undergraduates.\nThese are merely a sample of the services on the administration's outsourcing agenda. Other candidates include campus food service. Let's hope the job doesn't go to my mother-in-law. Her meatloaf sucks.
(01/29/07 11:15pm)
Just when all seemed right with the world -- Republicans working with Democrats, Sunnis loving Shiites -- the creationists had to go and screw everything up.\nCreationists, if you've never had the circus-like pleasure of meeting one, come in varying shapes and sizes, kind of like bras (however, a 36 double D-creationist is a force not to be reckoned with). The unifying characteristic (and gross stereotype used here) of these brassiere-like humans is a completely literal interpretation of the Bible -- and a mutual hatred of Al Gore. \nLast week the school board of Federal Way, Wash., overturned its temporary moratorium on Al Gore's global warming documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth." The original moratorium was instituted upon the complaint of at least one parent -- a creationist -- who believes the film to be biased. The parent also believes the Earth is 14,000 years old, ironically the same amount of time that parent's head has been wedged up his a … er … the collection plate. \nHowever, the more you think about the really logical and fact-based opinion of the creationist, the more it makes sense. A simple difference of translation is what separates the creationist from the rest of humanity.\nJust yesterday a group of flamboyant bandits, also known as "archeologists," discovered a new translation of the Bible under Al Gore's bed. The Bed Pee Scrolls, as they're known, provide a religious basis for global warming. Some of the opening section:\n"In the beginning God created the heavens, the Earth and unfortunately, Purdue University. The university was a formless wasteland, and darkness was made to boil all over the Earth. Then God said, 'Let there be Democrats,' and there was formed a group of small asses who tried nobly to save the Earth from the impending destruction. \nAnd soon darkness engulfed all, including the Democrats, who remained vigilant in keeping the darkness from impeding forever.\nThen God said, 'Let there be combustible engines, carbon emissions and the Exxon Valdez.' And so it happened. But the Democrats knew not how to use these items, and God was displeased and created Republicans to burn Exxon's oil."\nNow, I'll be the first one to admit this new translation has its flaws, but that's no reason to completely cast it off as trash -- it's not a Kevin Federline album, for God's sake. \nSome of you might be skeptical of this new biblical discovery, but you'll just have to place some trust in it. Remember, Al Gore created the Internet, and you can trust everything you find there.\nThere's certainly nothing wrong with having conviction or faith. But serious problems ensue when that conviction begins to fly in the face of logic. The aforementioned creationist parent had this criticism of Gore's movie: "The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD." \nSounds crazy, right?\nBut then again, Kevin Federline made a CD, and someone actually bought it. Creationism isn't sounding so bad after all, as long as those CDs get burned up with everything else. \nLet the gnashing of teeth begin.
(01/23/07 1:13am)
A very wise professor of mine once quipped that context matters in every situation. Granted, this was a very ambiguous statement, but I thrive on such ambiguity. \nIt wasn't until I found the bottom of approximately 47 bottles of Baily's Irish Cream that I realized the accuracy of my professor's statement.\n(Sidenote: Doctors agree that large quantities of Baily's will not result in drunkenness, only cramps. Nor does it exonerate you from any assault you might be guilty of. Wash off your bloody nose and move on.)\nWe routinely blow situations out of proportion without understanding the full context. But we can't be faulted for this; it's our nature. In the interest of disclosure, I should admit that I constantly take people's words out of context. A few examples:\n"We need to find some place to do the crack." This was heard as I walked by a couple on campus. Naturally, I was inclined to think someone was doing drugs. But after thinking about it, I determined that "the crack" merely referred to the newest dance craze. Kilroy's Sports, therefore, is the perfect place to do "the crack." That girl grinding in front of you will be doing the "Herpes test" Monday, yet another craze in Bloomington.\n"I thought this week would be gay." Unfortunately, many people seem to use "gay" and "stupid" interchangeably, and I reasoned that this overheard phone conversation consisted of just that. However, then I remembered how often I've awoke Monday morning and thought, the next five days will be just like two men having mutual sex. Of course, why would I think anything different?\n"Once Upon a Child." Alert reader Brent McGill brought this one to my attention. In all seriousness, it initially sounds like a pedophile recovery group. (Not to joke about that subject, because it's truly sick.) In reality, the store sells second-hand children's clothes and toys. However, "Twice Upon a Child" is not a second-hand store. That one's sick.\nNo matter your opinion of George "Huggable Teddy Bear" Bush, you have to admit that both the media and oh, say, 6 billion people constantly take the man's words the wrong way.\nTake, for example, godless secular liberal Michael Moore. He recently used Bush's plan to increase troop levels in Iraq as a platform for why Bush voters should fight the war. Moore's claim was certainly an empty ploy, but he still misread the president's words -- as the vast left-wing conspiracy always does. Apparently Moore (and most other people) never let Bush finish his thought on troop levels. Luckily, I caught the whole sentence:\n"I'm calling for an increase of 21,500 more troops in Iraq. These troops will serve the important mission of delivering ice cream to the country's limbless orphans. Everyone likes ice cream, even terrorists."\nSo, don't be too quick to discount the president's plan. Sounds like he's got the scoop on the situation. Break out the ice cream. I hope it's chocolate.
(01/16/07 1:21am)
"I warned you about Bush. He is evil, far worse than we thought. George Bush might go down is history as the meanest yuppie who ever lived. He is once again the front-runner in the '88 presidential race." --Hunter S. Thompson \nOne of the activities I look forward to on a daily basis (other than attempting to guess Colin Dugdale's sexual preference) is watching the spectacle known as George Bush's War on Common Sense. \nDon't get me wrong: I have no vendetta against Bush, and I certainly don't hold the negative opinion of our current president that Thompson held for "Dubya's" father. \nBut as the old adage goes: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Daddy Bush was a slick politician, and all indications point to the Fortunate Son being just as slick. They were both pilots who served our country (in theory), they both have an unhealthy fascination with Saddam Hussein and they both abhor a vegetable or a fruit -- the elder hating broccoli and the younger hating Clay Aiken. The only way the two differ is that one became a loser after four years in office. The other lost his bid for re-election.\nWe are engaged in a war, the outcome of which will determine how many countries will no longer honor travel visas from the United States. You might know this as the War on Terror, but the more appropriate term is the War on Common Sense. \nThe other day I sat down with both men. Here's what they had to say:\nMe: Thank you for your time, sirs.\nElder: Yep, glad to do it.\nYounger: Haven't seen you in a while. How's India? Joking ... I know it's Indiana.\nMe: Uh, good. It's good. A question for you both -- Saddam Hussein is dead. Is the world a safer place?\nElder: I feel safer. That nasty man tried to assassinate me. \nYounger: You bet it's safer! Did you know that evildoer tried to kill my daddy? \nMe: Really? Hadn't heard that.\nYounger: It's true. Saddam Hussein? More like Saddam Insane!\nMe: Yes, insane indeed. Let's talk about your recent decision to increase troop numbers in Iraq. Do you really think that 21,500 more troops are necessary? \nElder: I think you interpreted that wrong.\nYounger: Yeah, don't misunderestimate me. I didn't say 21,500 troops. I said trips. I'm suggesting we send every Democrat in any elected position in the country on a "fact-finding trip" to Iraq. \nMe: Every single one? \nYounger: Yup. Every one -- from Nancy Pelosi to your local county commissioner. If they're a donkey, they get a free trip to Iraq. \nMe: What will that accomplish?\nYounger: Donkeys are good for the Middle East. I don't know if you realize this, but Jesus rode a donkey into Jerusalem. Elephants aren't cut out for that region.\nElder: Yup, it's true.\nMe: That logic defies common sense.\nYounger: We're in a war. Common sense doesn't matter, only victory.\nElder: True -- common sense has no place in war.
(01/12/07 6:43am)
Hello 2007, goodbye 2006 -- good riddance to you and your congressional elections that yielded so much progress and hope. \nOne of the sad realities of a new year is facing all the death and sadness of the previous 365 days. \nThere comes a time -- and what better time exists than the present -- to put aside all of our inhibitions and misgivings about the past. Yes, 2006 might have sucked -- it was, after all, when the IDS foolheartedly hired me -- but it also saw the end of many notable and successful careers. The following people might have departed this planet last year, but their meager and marginal contributions to our society will never be forgotten.\nTherefore, let us salute these dearly departed individuals. May they rest in peace:\nJames Brown: The godfather of soul; the hardest working man in show business; the best actor in "Rocky IV" - your death was sudden and shocking to us all. Brown performed at the IU Auditorium back in September, the same night President Adam Herbert's camera went missing from the venue. Oddly enough, Brown bequeathed a rather expensive digital camera to his wife in an updated will signed a month before his death. Coincidence? I think not.\nSaddam Hussein: The former president of Iraq was put to death by his own countrymen, amid taunts and jeers. Saddam's regime fell after the U.S.-led invasion in March 2003, and the country immediately became the second most desirable vacation spot in the world (second only to Osama bin Laden's sheep-infested cave). Now that Saddam is finally gone, the nation of Iraq can rest in tranquility, its people joining hands and sharing a Coca-Cola. Iraq is now safe. Mission accomplished - again!\nGerald Ford: The 38th president is most known for being the only president never elected to either the presidency or vice presidency. His most notable act in office was pardoning Richard Nixon, the crookest of the crooked. A lesser known fact (OK, only I know this) is that Ford's life-long ambition was to be a trapeze artist. He died not of old age, but of a tragic fall while not using a safety net. It's very ironic, as he was unfortunately known as a klutz, which is not surprising considering he played football at Michigan.\nJohn Kerry: So he didn't actually die in the physical sense, but he did kill any dream of living inside the White House when a botched joke about George Bush turned into an insult toward America's troops. Don't cry too long for Kerry, however. His ambitions were crushed long ago. What else can you expect from a guy whose wife makes more money selling ketchup?\nGeorge Allen: Like Kerry, Allen is still alive, but his life in politics is over. The incumbent senator from Virginia not only lost his seat in Congress, but also his presidential aspirations, when it was revealed that, not surprisingly, he is a racist. He's a conservative Republican from the South.\nHere's to 2007. Let the death of the new year begin!
(12/06/06 4:03am)
Ah, the end of the semester. Time for testing, last-minute cramming and long-overdue sleep. Oh, and don't forget, a convenient opportunity to return that keg tap you've had since homecoming.\nBut the semester's end brings more than mere frightening thoughts of finals and wrapping up loose ends. Sadly, it signifies departure for some.\nThe crew over here on I'm-Not-Telling-You-Where-I-Live Avenue is getting ready to say goodbye to one of our own. Soon, the house that once held two American hot shots, two French maidens and a German nationalistic dictator bent on world domination, will lose its Bavarian brother, leaving behind only the allied forces of the Americans and Frenchies (or is it Freedomies now?).\nLosing a roommate mid-year is hard, especially when that roommate cleans everything. What will we do? Who the hell is going scrub the floor meticulously with a toothbrush or constantly sweep the kitchen? Do you really expect two lazy Americans to prance naked around the house with a broom singing Rammstein songs? Of course not. Such ludicrous behavior is what we've come to know and love about the German people. \nI suppose we can demand that the Frenchies (Freedomies) do our bidding, but we'd just be kidding ourselves. These European lassies really run the show in our house.\nTake, for example, this conversation from a while back:\nMe: Top o' the mornin' to ya!\nFrench roommate: Sacre bleu! (Spits on the ground). You are a swine. \nMe: Thank you very much for giving us the Statue of Liberty. We love it.\nFrench roommate: I don't care. Now, rub my feet!\nHorrible, I know. But cheap rent beats constant chastisement any day of the week.\nWhy else do you think Bill is still with Hillary?\nBut enough political commentary. Let's get to something useful: Finding a new roommate. \nThe French ladies (who are, in reality, very sweet and non-smelly) have asked me to put out the word for a replacement for the German. They'd like respondents to fit particular characteristics, which I will translate given their horribly unintelligible accents. \nRequest: Must be a guy between 24 and 30.\nTranslation: Takes us out for drinks but isn't so old that being around him is embarrassing. That would be like going to the mall with our dad.\nRequest: Tall and handsome with a dark complexion.\nTranslation: Basketball player.\nRequest: Enjoys intelligent, thoughtful and stimulating conversation.\nTranslation: Fan of "Desperate Housewives," but talks only during commercials.\nRequest: Open, fun and willing to share.\nTranslation: Brings his hot single friends over whenever you want. Please make sure they are straight.\nRequest: Outgoing and open to adventure.\nTranslation: Owns a car and is willing to drive us to the store once a week.\nRequest: Has fun but knows his limitations.\nTranslation: Closet alcoholic.\nThat just about wraps it up. The one person left in Bloomington who meets the criteria may contact me at any time. Who knows, I might even rub your feet.
(11/29/06 5:25am)
Bryan House:\nMyth: The inside of the president's residence features lavish and expensive decor, including priceless Renaissance art, all charged to the University's budget.\n"Fact": The interior is decorated in a rather frugal manner. However, there is a vast network of underground caves linked to the house that serve as a conduit to fighting crime. Just ask the president's butler, Alfred.
(11/28/06 5:32am)
Last week's holiday marks the beginning of our yearly custom of gorging ourselves at family Thanksgiving feasts, office Christmas parties and New Year's Eve lush-fests that give the most health-conscious among us excuse to splurge. Between the end of November and the beginning of January, we put away more food and drink than Rush Limbaugh can put away narcotics in 10 lifetimes. \nBut this column isn't about gluttony. This column could save your life.\nI write to you to propose an entirely new counterterrorism system. This system will undoubtedly become a model for all nations to implement, as the United States continues to be the world leader in defeating the "axis of evildoers." (Insert George Bush speech mannerism here.) \nAs you know, the Department of Homeland Security uses a color-coded system to warn us that we could die at any moment. In fact, Fox News has been thoughtful enough to run the current "terror alert level" at the bottom of its news ticker for the past several years, reminding all John Kerry voters that, had their candidate been successful in 2004, such silly colors wouldn't be necessary because we'd all be dead. The system I propose would be simple to implement and involves citizens in the important process of identifying terrorists here at home. \nDuring the holiday season, we will eat thousands of tons of turkey, game hen and bird-shaped tofu concoctions (for you vegans). Along with this entree will be served an American mainstay: cranberry sauce. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they enjoy their cranberry sauce. For instance, some people choose to serve the sauce directly from the can, plopping the garnish onto a beautiful crystal platter with "can form" intact. Others choose to mash up their cranberry sauce in a beautiful heirloom of a bowl, or, better yet, serve fresh cranberries. Either way you choose, you are engaging in a tradition that has stood since the historically accurate times of the first Thanksgiving. \nBut what about those who don't like cranberry sauce? Where is their voice? Well, dear friends, here's the catch. There's a category of "Americans" out there who don't like cranberry sauce with their holiday meals, and it is these people who we must weed out of our country. Common logic tells us that those who don't like cranberry sauce oppose traditional American values, hate freedom and are terrorists.\nThis is how we are to track all would-be evil-doers in our midst. Citizens, it is your responsibility to recognize those haters of cranberry and report them to the FBI. When there's a cranberry-hating terrorist could be sitting next to you right now, a good color-coded system will do little to protect the rest of us. Take a stand. Speak out against those who deny American values. Stop the cranberry-haters before they get you. \nIt doesn't matter if it's your grandmother. If they're not with us, they're against us. Happy holidays.
(11/14/06 4:05am)
I'm an imposter. Don't believe anything I say. \nYou're probably thinking I'm an evangelical Christian who's finally admitting his fascination with freaky male prostitutes -- but I'm not. I'll wait for a more socially crippling time to admit that doozie.\nNo, what has brought about this revelation can be found in the stars or, more precisely, astrology. \nRecently, I was told that I don't act like the Gemini my late May birthday and 10,000 newspapers' daily horoscopes say I should. \nThis all got me thinking about life, absolute truth, moral relativism and making hallucinogenic drugs out of my car's radiator fluid. You know, normal guy stuff. After losing my teeth and having psychedelic conversations with Jerry Garcia and Frank Zappa, I came to a fascinating conclusion: Astrology blows. \nHowever, this revelation won't stop me from making a cheap buck off your vulnerability and ignorance. (Hey, Wal-Mart does it all the time.) The following are real horoscopes that you can take to heart, along with some notable people who share your zodiac sign:\nAries (Kevin Federline): Today, just like every day before this, will be the worst day of your life.\nTaurus (Saddam Hussein): Take time to smell the roses, or at least the mushrooms growing between the cracks in your cell. You might as well just eat the mushrooms now and hope they're poisonous. \nGemini (Scott Leadingham): Don't forget to look behind you. It's like a pack of angry, disheveled and recently out of work elephants are charging right toward you.\nCancer (George W. Bush): Cheer up! If you lose your ball of string, you can always get another one to play with. \nLeo (Bill Clinton): Stay on the treadmill. You'll soon be returning to familiar territory and need to remain in good shape. Don't be afraid to splurge on a box of cigars upon your return.\nVirgo (Michael Jackson): Everyone knows you're weird -- why not admit it? \nLibra (Rutherford B. Hayes): Not a good day at all. Sometimes you feel like you're the most forgotten person in the world -- well, aside from Chester A. Arthur, that is.\nScorpio (Condoleezza Rice): You seek a position of greater power, but are you ready to be paid less than anyone who has ever held that post? \nSagittarius (John Kerry): Situations might require a healthy dose of your foot in your mouth. Try this mantra for a while: Don't screw it up for everyone else in '08!\nCapricorn (Rush Limbaugh): Back off a hard-line position for once. It might be high time to admit you've been living a lie for years.\nAquarius (Dick Cheney): You feel pressed by time. A once-friendly atmosphere is about to get a lot more tense. Things won't be so easy for a few years.\nPisces (Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg): While you feel surrounded by opposites, take comfort in the fact that you are the least feminine of everyone in the group. \nWhatever your sign, remember two things: Don't drink radiator fluid, and Frank Zappa's an asshole.
(11/07/06 3:53am)
'T was the day of elections and all through the nation/ The Republicans were scared, but not of inflation. \nWhispers had turned into loud roaring calls/ For a new party to dominate Congress' halls.\nThe voters were ready and poised with aggression/ To teach Karl Rove and his lackeys a lesson.\nPeople were tired of the scandalous game/ That had become so attached to the Republican name.\nWhen out of New Jersey there came a new hope/ It seemed Tom and Fred now could elope.\nGod-fearing men from all over the land/ Raced to the polls, saying gay marriage won't stand.\nThe president, too, he jumped on his plane/ Flying cross-country to speak in God's name.\n"Marriage is holy," George W. spoke/ Too little, too late, it was already broke.\nDemocrats rallied, they cried mass corruption/ Abramoff's dealings had caused an eruption.\nIncumbents were falling, admitting their shame/ The donkeys all cheered when Foley took blame.\nGo Donnelly! Go Ellsworth! Go Hill! Can't you see?/ If you win, the leader would be Pelosi.\nTo the hills of Afghan' to the fronts of Iraq/ The Dems have a plan to bring the troops back.\nWar was a platform Bush knew all too well/ He hunted the terrorists and sent them to hell.\nBut the public cried out, said: "We're lost, and we're mired,"/ So they took to the polls to get Republicans fired.\nDon't think Dems hate freedom, for that's not the case/ But you'd never know from watching this race.\nSince getting Saddam, we'd all played a game/ Of pointing our fingers and shifting the blame.\nCheney and Rumsfeld knew not what to do/ the country was turning scarily blue.\nStates that once loved them were losing their red/ Too many more burgers and Cheney was dead. \nRove never stumbled, he thought they'd come through/ Despite his best efforts, the Dem support grew.\nThe country was tired, and on further inspection/ Discovered in '04 that Bush stole the election.\nBut this day was different, no fraud would be found/ Rove would go weeping and fall to the ground.\nO'Reilly and Fox News lost all respect/ While Franken and liberals became the best bet.\nThe South even changed, which was a surprise/ Tennessee and Virginia said no to red guys.\nThe racist was ousted, which gave Webb the win/ Obama got brethren when Ford was put in.\nDistrict to district and state after state/ Republicans all seemed to meet the same fate.\nTried as they could to make us believe/ Everyone knew it was time they should leave.\nAs the sun began setting, the choice was made clear/ Voters wanted change, and they got that this year.\nIn a unified voice, these words were then spoken/ "We can do better, the country is broken."\nIn a dream this I saw, all this was the manner/ By which we united and unfolded our banner.\nThat banner read "freedom," and freedom is great/ Goodbye, GOP, better luck in '08.
(10/31/06 6:13am)
President Bush came to Sellersburg, Ind., this weekend to campaign on behalf of 9th District Republican candidate Mike Sodrel. As an esteemed member of the press, I attempted in vain to obtain a ticket to this exclusive event. Apparently, Sodrel's people were tipped off that I'm a pinko communist bent on destroying capitalism. Needless to say, I was unable to gain access to what would undoubtedly have been a gymnasium full of people who despise Nancy Pelosi.\nMy hope for the event was that I would get close enough to President Bush or one of his minions to ask a question. But in lieu of that, I've taken the liberty of conducting my own rather fascinating, albeit fake, interview. Oh well, I've never let the truth stop me from totally making things up for my own enjoyment. \nMe: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. President.\nBush: No problem. It's so great to be here in India.\nMe: I think you mean Indiana, sir.\nBush: Oh, right. I should have suspected. I thought there would be more people with feathers in their hair, whooping around and shooting arrows. \nMe: I think you're confusing people from India with American Indians.\nBush: Well, that's your opinion. I looked it up on the Internets. You know, the Google is a fun place to go.\nMe: Yes, it certainly is. Let's get down to business. Mike Sodrel is running for re-election in a year that could possibly see the Democrats gain control of the House. Do you think your presence here today will really give Sodrel the edge over Baron Hill?\nBush: Definitely! I've directed the National Security Agency to wiretap every home in the 9th District. People are talking about this race, and they are concerned about the future of our country.\nMe: Pardon me for second guessing you, but isn't that illegal?\nBush: It should be. (Chuckles.) In all seriosity, Scott, desperate times call for desperate measures. This country is at war with an enemy who doesn't even have the courtesy to speak our language. In order to defeat terrorism, we need to listen in on people who speak English. How else are we supposed to get anything done?\nMe: Fair enough. Let's talk about the conflicts in the Middle East. Your administration has decided to back off the "stay the course" mantra concerning the war. Is this a sign that you're beginning to capitulate under public pressure?\nBush: Scott, I don't know the meaning of capitulate. We're not backing down from anything. Our forces will remain deployed until the job is done. We will bring total freedom to North Korea.\nScott: Iraq.\nBush: Whatever.\nScott: How about looking ahead to 2009? What are your plans after leaving office?\nBush: I'll be running for president of the world. \nMe: I don't think that's possible.\nBush: I've directed Congress to pass a law allowing me to do so. \nMe: Thank you for your time, sir.\nBush: God bless America.
(10/24/06 3:23am)
Since beginning work as a columnist, I've strived to offend every group possible. While I still have a long way to go, some people have already called me out for my vicious attacks. For example, in my first column, I more or less said Texas sucks and its residents can be found at the bottom of outhouses. Just a joke, of course, but I got a nasty e-mail:\n"Scott -- I'm offended by your words about Texans. I live there one month out of the year (usually August) and find it a wonderful place to avoid my job. My friends from Saudi Arabia enjoy Texas as well. If you don't knock it off, I'm going to send my friend Dick to shoot you in the face with a shotgun. You don't want to mess with Dick." -- G.W.B.\nSo here I stand, faced with the threat of death and, even worse, being condemned to eternal damnation for my insensitive remarks. I have to apologize now, for I can't stand the prospect of spending eternity in hell with Tinky Winky, the gay Teletubby, and Jerry Falwell, the nice Christian who condemns such lifestyles.\nThe first group I wish to apologize to are the members of St. Benedict's Catholic Church. You don't know this, but when I was 5, I urinated on the stairs in the lobby during Mass because I was too scared to go in the dark basement to use the restroom. I hope you can forgive me.\nIn a previous column, I referred to a homecoming dance in high school that I attended with a girl purely out of sympathy. What I didn't tell you was that I rigged the balloting to get her elected homecoming queen and then dumped pig's blood on her when she took the stage to be crowned. She subsequently burned down the school. The incident was made into a book and eventually a movie. I apologize to the American public for causing a crappy movie based on Stephen King's "Carrie" to be produced. \nAnother group that might have felt misrepresented by my words is exotic jungle animals. In a column about stereotypes, I mentioned how I inaccurately thought gay men only wore leather. Clearly, I was wrong. It is not fair to single out the by-product of cows as the only thing being worn. What about leopard skin or, better yet, tiger? Grrrrrr. They too deserve to be worn skin tight and strutted around a dance floor during a drag queen contest. Sorry for my negligence.\nThe last group is members of greek organizations. Damn. I'm out of column space. Guess I'll see you in hell.
(10/17/06 2:50am)
Bathrooms intrigue me, especially the messages contained on their walls. My first Indiana Daily Student column highlighted some of the best phrases I've been fortunate enough to encounter in my travels to bathrooms across North America. \nTwo months after arriving in Bloomington, I've once again discovered a new piece of unique poetry, this time on the hallowed bathroom walls of IU.\nWarning: The following contains explicit accusations about greeks, possibly from disgruntled pledge-rejects. Do not read further if you are prone to attending lame Jordan Avenue parties where wristbands are required.\nAll of the following quotations have been obtained through painstaking single-ply research. \n• "If your thing is small and your social skills weak, don't worry about it -- just go greek!"\nI sincerely doubt the accuracy of this statement. First of all, I've encountered many greeks in my journey through higher education. The majority of fraternity members I've known have been able to slap strangers of the opposite (or same) sex on the rear without fear of repercussion. I'd say that demonstrates pretty strong social skills. I also attended a nude hot tub party at a fraternity awhile back. I suppose the joke was on me when I showed up and there was nothing but a five-gallon bucket of hot water on the back porch. But I did observe a rather "endowed" group of guys trying to squeeze in. No small "things" in that bunch.\n• "Pull here for diploma" (with arrow pointing to the toilet paper dispenser).\nFollowing orders, I pulled out one of those supposed diplomas and was intrigued with what I found. On the paper was written: "Indiana University Office of the Registrar." On the back was a barcode with a bunch of Greek letters that I couldn't translate in my current position. After leaving the bathroom, I took the paper to the first greek house I could find and asked for assistance. It turns out that the paper read: "Frat members: Redeem for any degree from the Kelley School of Business." Of course! It all made sense.\n• "Delta Delta Delta is Square Square Square!"\nThis one took a little intuition to figure out.\nIn math, the Greek letter Delta is used to represent a change in some variable, such as Delta members changing their clothes. Delta, in Greek, is symbolized by a triangle. Put these together and the above quote becomes clearer: When Delta members stand in triangle form and change their clothes, sleazy frat guys peek at them through square windows. Sounds pretty rational to me. What's the lesson here? Close the curtains, ladies! But it doesn't help unless you go inside the house before changing.\nThere are surely many more of these deep thoughts scrawled in bathrooms throughout IU. When you find them, don't be afraid to drop by a greek residence and share the good news. And when you go by a fraternity, make sure it is changing that bucket of water on a regular basis.
(10/10/06 2:45am)
The deadline has come. Our social framework is based on the assumption that you, educated reader, take action today. The burden is on your shoulders to take responsibility for the future of our nation. \nToday is the deadline to register to vote in Indiana, and I implore you: Don't do it! Not only should you refrain from switching your registration to Monroe Country, but come Election Day, you would be well advised not to vote for any candidate in any jurisdiction, anywhere. \nNow, before you cast me off as an unpatriotic freedom-hating French-lover, allow me to present my case. I must inform you that the following information is backed by exhaustive sociological research best referenced on the back of cereal boxes. I, by the way, once took a sociology course as an elective for a real degree. It was extremely comforting to be in a classroom that included every member of the football team, each of whom was (coincidentally) double majoring in sociology and tourism management. But I digress.\nVoting is a method by which democracy is employed. Yes, it is essential to our political system that we have competent stewards of the public good who represent our interest at all levels of government. However, I contend that electing good officials comes at a very high price: a price that we cannot afford to pay. Recent events in Congress highlight this problem like no other example could: There is a direct link between voting, alcoholism and promiscuous young teenagers. \nConsider the evidence: Voting puts people into public office. Holding office is stressful and overwhelming and leads to (at absolutely no fault of the official) excessive drinking. While under the influence of alcohol, our elected officials run the risk of falling under the spell of evil teenagers, who seek nothing less than the sexual exploitation of these defenseless officials. \nThe case of former Rep. Mark Foley highlights this sad state of affairs. Poor Mr. Foley was doing nothing more than what the voters of Florida asked of him, when he was viciously taken advantage of by sadistic Congressional pages. It is clear that had he not been elected to office, Foley could have lived his life as an ordinary hypocritical Republican without fear of being seduced by those naughty youths. \nAccording to www.Imadethisallup.com, 15,000 elected officials (from city councilmen to Congressmen) were forced into compromising sexual situations by teenagers in 2005. Further research from The Center for Ridiculously Obvious Political Irony, a respected think tank, states that the majority of all officials who have been duped by malicious youth were conservatives whose traditional family and moral values saved them from eternal damnation. Next month's issue of That's A Lame Excuse! magazine is expected to have an article reporting that every personal problem of elected officials can be traced to having been abused by a "clergyman." \nBased on this overwhelming body of evidence, it is readily apparent why you must not vote! The future of the country (and a certain political party) depends on it.
(10/03/06 2:50am)
From the time we enter elementary school, we're indoctrinated with the politics of nice. Share everything, keep your hands to yourself, be respectful of everyone and don't judge a book by its cover. (Unless it's an Ann Coulter book -- you can discount that as trash from the start.) \nTying in closely with the theme of "not judging by first impressions" is the idea of stereotypes. We're told constantly that common observations of other cultures, people and ideas lead to gross misunderstandings, even conflict. Take, for example, the time I picked my friend up from a gay bar:\nMe: Hey, I'm looking for Hanz. He's probably wearing butt-less leather chaps.\nBartender: Haven't seen him. Just so you know, we stopped wearing leather chaps in the '80s. \nMe: Really? Then why do you all have AIDS? I thought that was caused by leather.\nBartender: Why don't you take your fine ass out of here, idiot.\nThat experience brought several important things to my attention. First, I have a compliment-worthy posterior. That does tremendous amounts for my confidence. Second, and more importantly, I learned the value of not giving in to assumptions. It is dangerous to make snap-judgements. Below are some other common stereotypes and generalizations that I've found to be untrue:\n• The French -- Stereotypes include: smelly, large amounts of body hair in the female population, rude, cowardly and quick to surrender. The truth is, French people are quite clean, shave frequently and think Americans are the coolest people on the planet. Unfortunately, they seem to have an unhealthy fascination with Reese's Pieces candy and "Desperate Housewives." I, by the way, have two French roommates. All indications point to my roommates not being desperate like the housewives they adore. Darn.\n• "Desperate Housewives" -- Stereotype: A trashy prime-time soap opera that only involves sex. In reality, this comedic drama involves little sex and a large amount of death. The plots are well-developed and, I'm ashamed to say, intriguing. It also has a diverse cast that includes a token black guy who turns out to be a murderer and a troubled homosexual teenager. The bartender I mentioned before must have been right: This kid never seems to wear leather, despite my constant pleadings to ABC.\n• IU -- Stereotype: The "hottest" big state school with a laughable football team and increasingly unaffordable tuition rates. I've yet to find any indication of this university being "hot." Most buildings are cool to the touch, even on warm days. In some circles, something being "hot" refers to some sort of illegal activity taking place, such as drug trafficking. Perhaps this is the source of IU's "hotness." \nSo let's recap. Stereotypes are dangerous things when used in the wrong settings, especially establishments frequented solely by men. Additionally, French people exceed normal expectations for cleanliness and grooming. I hope you all feel more enlightened.