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(12/11/08 5:17am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Some might call people who inflict pain on their bodies psychologically challenged. I call them just plain stupid.And do you know who is having the most trouble with this problem of late?Professional athletes.Everyone heard about Plaxico “Cheddar Bob” Burress’ gunshot to the thigh. It has been well-documented, with even my colleague Bryan Payton writing about it Tuesday.But have you heard about Chicago Bulls starting point guard Derrick Rose’s recent stitches?This year’s No. 1 draft pick accidentally cut himself in bed with a knife he was using to cut apples. The laceration required 10 sutures. He said it was a lazy mistake and is nothing that will affect his performance on the court.Although I don’t believe the injury actually happened like it was explained, I am more appalled that these top-notch athletes keep hurting themselves in silly situations.The trend is starting to get serious, too.Besides Cheddar Bob and Rose, many other athletes have accidently hurt themselves.You may not have heard about these stories (because they aren’t real), but here are a few other top-notch athletes who have accidently hurt themselves this past month.Charles Barkley, who can’t really be considered a top-notch athlete at this point in his life, accidently burned himself on a George Foreman Grill. It wasn’t his fault. He thought there was another burger on there for him to eat and he went grabbing.Sean Avery accidently contracted an infectious disease from a lady partner. He thought he was going to be her first partner. Turns out he was just her sloppy seconds.LeBron James accidently got a nasty cut on his finger from a cardboard box. He was busy packing his stuff for his move to New York in 2010.Alex Rodriguez reportedly bled from his ears after listening to Madonna’s songs for 18 straight hours. The part I don’t get is that he did it all smiling.Dwyane Wade accidently threw out his back last week. He was busy carrying the Heat this season and something finally slipped. Antoine Walker accidently decided to play and sprained an ankle when he was crossed by (fill in the blank with any NBA player) because Walker is the worst defender ever. Thankfully, Walker has a $9 million contract to cover his medical costs.Finally, top-notch, superstar athlete Mike Abrams contracted dysentery. Luckily, it was only in the computer game Oregon Trial, and he was able to fight off the disease by resting and fording all the proceeding rivers.
(12/04/08 5:44am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I was sitting in my media ethics class on Tuesday, though I wasn’t really all that awake.You can’t expect a column titled “Straight Bidness” to really embody media ethics, so I generally don’t give the most insightful input in the class.Rather than trying to figure out whether decisions are a means to an end or vice versa, (or something like that – I still don’t understand that lecture) I decided to daydream in hopes of coming up with a column idea.And then it hit me. I heard it, and it was like the angels were telling me to write this story. Someone in my class was speaking, and I heard it.“Shoot first. Ask questions later.”My head immediately shot up from my game of Brick Breaker and I muttered, “Plax?”That’s right. I’m talking about Plaxico Burress, who henceforth shall always be referred to as Cheddar Bob.Cheddar Bob was recently suspended by the New York Giants for the remainder of the regular season for his involvement in a gun firing at a nightclub.And by involvement, I mean Cheddar Bob shot himself in the leg while sipping on wine.First off, as my wonderful R100 teacher – both times I took it – pointed out, Cheddar Bob and wine is an oxymoron.When this story first broke, I tried to visualize the situation for comedic value, and I just couldn’t see Cheddar Bob sipping on wine. I especially find the wine hard to believe when the reason he was carrying a gun in the first place was because he had $5,000 in cash on him and he was wearing very expensive jewelry.Was he holding his glass with his pinkie out?Second, I must state I am generally a fan of delinquents when it comes to professional athletes. My favorite NBA player is Jamaal Tinsley; I supported Pacman Jones’ decision to make it rain, and I have always been a fan of Cheddar Bob.However, he’s crossed a line with this latest act. Like your parents always said, it’s all fun and games until you shoot yourself – or something like that.It was all fun and games when he was screwing around but still being a beast on the field. But when you shoot yourself, injuring your leg for a few games, get two felony charges, include your teammates in the debacle and have representation named Drew Rosenhaus, you have crossed a line.The last time I heard Rosenhaus’ name was when some idiot was doing sit-ups in his driveway.Finally, despite my strong desire to not recommend this, I must say it is time to let Cheddar Bob go. He was a Super Bowl hero but he is not worth the trouble.Trade him. Cut him. Hell, pull a Pacers and let him sit at home inactive for the entire season still paying him.Just let him go.Or better yet, give him a punishment that truly fits the crime – make him play for the Lions.
(12/01/08 4:57am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Kenny Mayne describes himself with one word – unconventional.But Mayne’s “unconventional” mannerisms have gotten him to where he is today. His offbeat, dry sense of humor has been his trademark at ESPN for the past 13 years.In 1994, the network hired Mayne, and by 1997, he was a full-time anchor for “SportsCenter,” one of the station’s most prestigious positions. Since then, he has performed several jobs at ESPN including its horse-racing coverage and weekly segments called “The Mayne Event” on “Sunday NFL Countdown.”Now, the Seattle native has a new project – “Mayne Street.”It’s a series of Webisodes that Mayne has been promoting for the past month. Last week, Mayne and I sat down for a phone interview to talk about “Mayne Street,” his career and just plain old life. ‘‘Mayne Street’ – ‘A poor man’s Larry David’That is the phrase Mayne used to describe “Mayne Street,” and it couldn’t be a better description. “Mayne Street” is comprised of short, three- to five-minute Webisodes on ESPN.com based on Mayne working at ESPN. Mayne plays himself, and a group of hired actors surround him to fill out the other roles.He doesn’t have any concrete goals for the show, but based on its early success, Mayne said he would be surprised if there was not a second season at least.Early success is an understatement.Within the first 48 hours of the airing of the premiere episode, “Mayne Street” had more than 2.5 million viewers. Both ESPN and Mayne promoted the show extensively prior to its release, and it was a successful campaign, as seen by the early results.With the success of “Mayne Street,” expect to see a trend of more shows going to the Internet like this one. It is a successful plan because of the short attention span of our generation, the lack of airtime on TV and the unlimited space available on the Internet.Although “Mayne Street” is one of the first of this kind of media, Mayne doesn’t feel like the inventor of the practice.“I don’t think I started anything. I’m probably behind it. I don’t mean behind it like taking it up the ... back of it,” Mayne said, keeping himself in check. “It went to the Internet by default.”Despite being on the Internet, the humor of “Mayne Street” is exactly what you would expect from any other product of Mayne.The show has a setting style similar to “The Office,” but with “Seinfeld”-esque humor, and is based around sports and ESPN.Although Mayne is the lead character, the show has already had a few guest cameos, with more to come. ESPN personality Scott Van Pelt made an appearance during the first episode and SportsCenter anchor Neil Everett during the third.Mayne said to expect other celebrity cameos throughout the rest of this first season including a few ex-“Sopranos”: Ray Allen and John Buccigross.But celebrities aren’t in every episode. Most of the characters are hired actors, and that differs from “The Mayne Event,” where Mayne mostly works with athletes. But Mayne wouldn’t describe the experience as either better or worse.“It’s just different,” Mayne said. “It was fun being in those funny moments with them.”Another area in which “Mayne Street” differs from Mayne’s normal work is the writing. On “The Mayne Event,” he would write almost the entire segment. However, on “Mayne Street,” he was handed a script and just had to deliver the lines.With the first season well underway, Mayne expects to have a second season but has loftier goals for the show.“I hope it’s a movie and they give me $20 million,” Mayne said. “It would be cool if ABC noticed and said, ‘Let’s try this for six weeks and see if it’s any good.’ But I’m fine with if it stays on the Internet, too.”Growing up with KennyWhen I first got wind that I might have the opportunity to interview Mayne, I almost wet my pants. I was beyond excited to speak to a celebrity of Mayne’s status.After the initial thrill subdued and the realization I would have to do real work set in, I got pretty nervous. And as I was preparing to speak to Mayne, I started to wonder – why would someone as busy and as successful as Mayne take the time to do an interview with a column titled “Straight Bidness”?I couldn’t figure out an answer to that question. So I asked him.Mayne said although a public relations firm did most of the work in promoting “Mayne Street,” he wanted them to push really hard to college campuses to get the word out.“All of those who do know who I am from watching ‘SportsCenter’ when they were 10, 12 years old,” Mayne said. “Now they are in college, and I’m known for good or bad. They already know what this guy’s about.”Mayne couldn’t be more correct. Our generation grew up with him as one of the “SportsCenter” anchors, back when the show was one of the best on TV and not filled with all the glitz and glamour that clutters it today.Mayne was remembered for his random home run calls when he said things like “I am amused by the simplicity of this game,” or for his even more random farewells when he would end a segment saying, “Thanks for having electricity.” Whether you loved him or hated him, you always wondered what would come out of his mouth next.Going MaynestreamAlthough Mayne became famous as a “SportsCenter” anchor and is most recently recognized for his work on “The Mayne Event,” he has done so many other notable things in his life.One thing many people don’t know about Mayne is that he played quarterback at University of Nevada-Las Vegas, backing up the famous Randall Cunningham.“We knew he was going to be a great athlete from day one,” Mayne said of Cunningham. “He walked in as an up-guy, kind of cocky. He had a ton of arm. He could throw the ball 80 yards as a freshman. ... I think he had a Hall of Fame career.”Mayne has suffered from ankle issues, which could have contributed to the end of his football career. But his bum ankle certainly didn’t help him when he part of the first duo eliminated from season two of “Dancing With The Stars.”“I wasn’t very good,” he said. “I’m not a good dancer. I have a ruined ankle, and that’s not why I was terrible. I just wasn’t very good. I don’t think we were the worst. I am certain we weren’t the worst. But I know we weren’t very good either.”A place where Mayne has been very good is in his movie cameos. Mayne said his favorite two movie cameos were in the movies “Like Mike” and “Baseketball.” I personally loved his appearance in “Baseketball” when he analyzed the “Baseketball” playoff picture with Dan Patrick.He has also been in a few ESPN commercials, most notably his staring at clouds with Dikembe Mutombo.Off-camera, Mayne wrote a book titled “An Incomplete & Inaccurate History of Sport,” which he said he doesn’t think is very good.If you ask him what he likes to do with his free time, Mayne will tell you he likes to spend time with his wife and two little girls. Whether they are playing Yahtzee and watching movies, or just doing nothing, he likes to have time with his family.But of all the things Mayne has done in his career and life, one thing still stands a head above the rest. This moment in his life pretty much sums up his personality. If you ask him what his greatest sporting moment is, he’ll say:“I got Stevie Wonder to say ‘I can’t be at the baseball All-Star game because I have a high-ankle sprain.’”
(11/20/08 4:51am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>The NFL has dropped the ball this season more times than Colts receivers did in their first quarter last week.This NFL season has been in shambles and none of it has to do with the players.Fines have turned the game soft, officials have made wrong calls and Vegas is suffering because of it all.This past Sunday, the second big officiating botch of the season (the first being Ed Hochuli’s forward pass mistake in Week 2) caused hundreds of thousands of dollars to change hands.At the end of the Steelers/Chargers game last weekend, the refs called back a touchdown on the last play due to an illegal forward pass. If an illegal forward pass hits the ground, it is immediately ruled dead and the play is over.On Monday, the NFL admitted the refs called it incorrectly, misinterpreted the rule and were confused beyond belief. The Steelers won 11-10. The Vegas line was 4.5 to 5, depending on place or time.One miscue, hundreds of thousands of dollars lost.The NFL is contemplating giving the Steelers the points, but it’s too little, too late. The NFL can’t unbreak my kneecaps.But what makes this mistake even crazier is the fact that Steelers safety Troy Polamalu was the one who scored the touchdown. Cue awesome segue.Polamalu has also been the vocal leader of the other big problem from the NFL this year: fines.The NFL has fined any player who has made a big hit, but players are getting fined for any and every hit. It’s getting to the point where players are afraid to tackle each other. Financially, players can’t afford to take these fines week after week. I mean, they have to feed their kids.“I think regarding the evolution of football, it’s becoming more and more flag football, two-hand touch,” Polamalu said. “We’ve really lost the essence of what real American football is about. I think it’s probably all about money. They’re not really concerned about safety.”And he’s right.The NFL is all about the Benjamins.Without the clean image of its players, the NFL can’t hit up the corporate sponsors. Without the corporate sponsors, the NFL doesn’t make nearly as much money.But here’s the problem with that. The NFL already makes plenty of money. Besides the NBA, no other American sport even comes close to profiting as much as the NFL does.So, let the players play. Big hits are part of the game. No player is going out there to intentionally hurt someone. Quit fining players for doing their job.The NFL has dropped the ball this season and it’s time to pick it up. Unless of course it is an illegal forward pass. Then the play is immediately dead.
(11/13/08 4:42am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>As poor college students, we always look for the biggest bang for our buck. As poor college students who are diehard sports fans, finding a good steal to satisfy your sporting needs can be difficult.It’s hard for so many reasons. It’s hard because HDTV is expensive.It’s hard because there are no professional teams in Bloomington and the major IU athletic teams – that’s basketball and football for those wondering – are in minor slumps.But most importantly, it is hard because of ticket prices.All major sporting options cost a fortune.The Colts – $34 for the way upper deck balcony seat. Oh, and they are sold out – even for the Lions.Hoosier Basketball student seats – $15 and your ticket will be in section AA, row 16.Columbus Blue Jackets – $20 and you have a nice little drive to watch a bad hockey team.Hoosier Football – $14 for your case of Keystone at the tailgate.But then there are the Indiana Pacers.Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot most Hoosiers have been erasing the Pacers from their memories the last couple of years.The Indiana Pacers are a professional basketball team in the NBA that plays a mere 50 minutes north of Bloomington. You probably haven’t heard as much about them lately since they traded their hired guns for upstanding citizens who have stayed out of trouble off the court.But back to the deal.The Indiana Pacers have a college night. A student can buy a ticket to any Tuesday game this season for $10. All you have to do is show your student ID.You get a ticket and a T-shirt. And if you’re good, you can sell your T-shirt to someone when you get back to school and break even.But for $10, you can see some great teams. The college night games include LeBron and his Cavs, Kobe and his Lakers, Elton Brand and his 76ers and even Deron Williams and his Jazz.Not only that, but Hoosier heroes return home for college nights. Mike Woodson coaches the Hawks, Lawrence Frank the Nets and Randy Wittman the T-Wolves. All three teams come on a college night. The Bulls round out the lineup of college night games for you Chicago kids.And you can’t forget the Pacers.They might not be the best team in the NBA, but they will be entertaining to watch every night. They will play hard and fast. They will leave it out on the court every night.They already spanked the defending champion Celtics and will hopefully be over .500 by the time this gets printed.So, grab your roommate, significant other, best friend or me, get in your car and go to a game. The Pacers might surprise you. And if not, the chicken finger basket is worth the trip anyway.
(11/06/08 4:46am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>In honor of the election, I decided it was time for a change for Straight Bidness.It was time for a democracy.So, I devised a plan. I polled all my loyal readers who have sent me feedback (be it good or bad) in the past to see which of my two column ideas they would rather read.I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably sneering, “Congrats Mike. You talked to all five of your readers.”I don’t blame you for thinking that either. But you will be shocked to know that I spoke with 26 people, 23 of whom read my column on a consistent basis.As for the other three, who told me they don’t read my column, I just assume they are illiterate. Either that or they only pick up the Indiana Daily Student for the crossword (like a lot of people).So, now that the votes are in and all the hanging chads are accounted for, here is the winning column:Recently I jumped into a territory unfamiliar to me – coaching.I am currently a volunteer coach for the Bloomington Youth Hockey’s Mite League with my friend. The kids are ages 6 to 8, and the program is run through the city.Every Wednesday and Friday night, Bloomington parents trust me with their little ones’ lives on the ice.I’ve been dreaming of coaching a long time, but have no real experience in how to coach effectively. I decided to look for role models. So I went straight to the pros where the best of the best are coaching.Or so I thought.After much research, I found a lot of what I shouldn’t be doing as a coach from mistakes made by past idiots. Some are older mistakes and some are more recent.But because of these mistakes, here is what I pledge not to do when I coach:Because of Denny Green, I pledge not to underestimate my opponents. They are who we thought they were. Always. I also pledge not to let them off the hook.Because of the all-wise Robert Montgomery Knight, I pledge not to throw a chair at any ref. However, I cannot promise that I will not throw a water bottle like Terry O’Reilly.Because of Mike Singletary, I pledge not to pull down my pants during an intermission just to prove a point. Not only is that ridiculous, but I don’t want to get arrested. So, rest assured that won’t happen.Because of Phillip Wellman, I pledge not to army crawl on the ice. Ever. And I also pledge not to throw a rosin bag at any official pretending it’s a grenade.Because of Jim Mora, I pledge not to talk about the playoffs. I am not kidding you. And I also pledge not to talk about a game. I may talk about practice though. Not a game, but practice.But here is what I do pledge, and I didn’t need any professional coaches to teach me. I pledge to have fun.Because when you’re 6 years old and trying to learn to play hockey, having fun is all that really matters. Well, that and concentration, not strength.
(10/23/08 4:11am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I did it. Guilty as charged. I take all the blame. It was 100 percent my fault.I know what you are thinking, and you’re wrong.No, I didn’t rob a bank. Nor did I shoot the sheriff. I didn’t even cause the IU football team to lose again.Rather, I am guilty of planning a party I should have never planned.That’s right. I planned an acquittal party for O.J. Simpson in Las Vegas. Yes. O.J. had the cajones to plan an acquittal party before hearing the verdict, and I was the spearhead of the operation (note to my readers who have an IQ lower than O.J.: this is all made up. I did not plan any party for Simpson).Reportedly, O.J.’s friend Thomas Riccio invited radio talk-show host Anthony Crivello and retired Las Vegas police detective Phil Ramos to join O.J.’s entourage at an undisclosed location. O.J. was so confident that the outcome would be a “hung jury” that he offered me autographed memorabilia (probably the stuff he was convicted of stealing) in return for planning his party.Of course, I accepted. Think about the opportunities I would gain with that on my resume.And as the event planner of an event that never was allowed to happen, I feel obligated to tell you the undisclosed location and what kind of party I planned for O.J. and his entourage.First off, after my initial idea of holding the event at the Minxx Gentleman’s Club was ended due to foreclosure (see last week’s Straight Bidness for more details), I decided to go for a much nicer place atop the Rio called VooDoo Lounge. It is a classy enough place to hold a sweet party but not classy enough to realize the repercussions of allowing O.J. to host a party at their club.With the location nailed down, I needed to finish food arrangements. I had some killer appetizers planned. And I mean killer as in deliciously tasty.There would have been the little pigs in a blanket and all other great finger foods.The main course would have been a choice of chicken or fish. I really wanted to do a very rare-cooked filet, but decided that it was in everybody’s best interest to keep all the knives butter knives.The DJ would have been playing some awesome music. It would have been a mix of The Killers and Ja Rule featuring 50 Cent and Fabulous.And best of all, each guest would not have left empty-handed. The gift bags were amazing. Some of the highlights from the bag were a miniature replica of a white Ford Bronco, a one-size too small black glove and an autographed copy of the book, “If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer.”Unfortunately, O.J. was convicted of armed robbery, kidnapping and 10 other charges, which ruined the party and will likely send O.J. to jail for the rest of his life.It’s too bad, too.I was really looking forward to having that Heisman Trophy on my mantle.
(10/16/08 1:55am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>LAS VEGAS – Sometimes, the smartest move is to fold.That statement is extremely relevant for a lot of businesses in Las Vegas.Last week, the Indiana Daily Student sent me to Vegas for an extensive research trip for this column.Before you run to the newsroom to grab an application, let me tell you that the Indiana Daily Student didn’t pay a cent for my trip. National sports columnists don’t get top priority on budgetary concerns, and I doubt they will ever pay me a dime past the amazing weekly salary I currently rake in.To be honest, I’ve already been fired nine times this semester.Needless to say, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to visit one of the most historic sports sites during my trip to Vegas – the Minxx Gentleman’s Club and Lounge.The Minxx is the location of the infamous Pacman Jones melee, which resulted in his suspension from the NFL for an entire season.Reportedly, Jones “made it rain” on the strippers by showering them with various bills, which resulted in a scuffle, fired guns and, ultimately, Jones’ arrest. This is just one of Jones’ many altercations, the most recent being last week when he got in an fight with his bodyguard at a local Dallas hotel. I was quite interested in seeing this historic place – for research purposes of course – so I called my hotel concierge to find out how I could get over there. I found out online that it was merely a few minutes from my hotel, so I figured it wouldn’t be a problem.After much discussion, the concierge informed me that the Minxx was no longer operating, ultimately ruining my plans for the evening, and more importantly, my plans for this column.Originally, I was going to grace you with a running diary of my experiences at the club (in PG-rated format because my editors have no sense of humor).However, the place was shut down, and I didn’t have any contacts of former owners or managers to even find out if it was because of the Jones incident.And, without being able to justify a trip to a strip club for research, I lost out on an interesting Vegas experience.So, since I didn’t get to live out my historic trip, I will inform of what my plan of attack for my trip to the famous Minxx was going to be.First, I was going to be packing heat. I had plans to take a custom-made Belgian weapon – borrowed from Marvin Harrison – in case of incident. Alan Henderson showed me how to correctly pack it in my checked luggage, and Stephen Jackson, a strip club gunfight expert, taught me how to properly fire it into the air.Next, I was going to limo over to the Minxx. It is essential to roll to a strip club in style, since, you know, both a limo and a strip club exemplify class.I would have paid the cover in $1 bills.Once in the club, I would have found a prime seat – not too close to the stage, but also not too close to the champagne room.I was hoping to watch a stripper named Star in a cowboy-themed costume perform on stage. I was also hoping that Jessica Simpson would be sitting at the table next to me.I was then planning on getting a bottle of champagne, so I could pop the cork to see if anyone hit the deck.All of this would be happening while the disc jockey played “Make it Rain” by Lil Wayne and Fat Joe.Then, after a few drinks, I would have called it a night. I’m not one of those guys who can drop a grand or two at a strip club.Unfortunately, none of that happened, because the Minxx is no longer in operation. Instead, I ending up seeing Wayne Brady spit game at a club called Privé, since our tables were adjacent. After a fun night of VIP service, I left the club and someone handed me a flyer about Carrot Top’s show.Well, at least I can say I got to see one boob in Vegas.
(10/07/08 2:44am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Attention Cubs fans. Step away from the ledge. It will all be OK. It’s just baseball.Since all of Wrigleyville is on suicide watch, I decided to write Cubs fans a song. Music always cheers people up and this song depicts the Cubs’ abilities in October.It is called “Collapsing Under Pressure” and can be sung to the tune of “Under Pressure,” originally performed by David Bowie and Queen.Before we start, I want to announce I have plans for a few other songs this semester, and I am looking for a band to record them for me. I have no musical ability – excluding an amazing rendition of “I have a little dreidel” on the piano – and would love to hear some of these amazing songs played by talented individuals. Please call or e-mail me for more details.Without further ado, I give you “Collapsing Under Pressure” by Mike Abrams:Mm ba ba de. Um bum ba de. Um bu bu bum da de.Pressure building up in time,Pressing down on them in October.Under pressure - that hype is picking up,Splits a city in two.Puts ballplayers back at home.Um ba ba be. Um ba ba be. De day da. Ee day da. It’s the terror of knowing,What this game is about.Watching some good players,Taunt “You can’t get me out.”Pray tomorrow – what’s another 100 years?Pressure on the Cubs – their fans in tears.Day day de mm hm. Da da da ba ba. OKHomering around – trotting the bases in the 1st.These are the days when they display their worst.Ee do ba be. Ee da ba ba ba. Um bo bo. Collapse.Cubs playing at home – ee da de da loss.Game 2 at home – ee da de da de da loss.It’s the terror of knowing,What this game is about.Watching some good players,Taunt “You can’t get me out.”Pray tomorrow – what’s another 100 years?Pressure on the Cubs – their fans in tears.You stayed true, through it all, like a blind fan.Cheered in the stands, but it don’t work.Keep coming up with good teams,but October they lose.Why – why – why?Why can’t they win win win win win?When the Cubs play under pressure, they crack.Can’t we give them one more chance?Do we really have to wait one more year for one more chance?Why can’t they get one get one get one get one,get one get one get one get one get one?‘Cause the Cubs are A great team,With fans who really care for The players who try their bestTo win a playoff game.But can’t do it not matter how hard they try.Caring about some curse,That was their last chance.They F-ed up their last chanceBecause they collapse.Under pressure,Under pressure.
(10/02/08 2:37am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>INDIANAPOLIS – Seventeen players. Sixteen guaranteed contracts. Fifteen available roster spots. One Jamaal Tinsley. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 2008-09 Indiana Pacers.On Monday, the Pacers kicked off training camp with media day, when players moved station to station to take photos and give interviews.In an organized mess, the players gave their best senior photo pose and graced the media with the same textbook answers all the NBA players – excluding Josh Howard – give to the media.The festivities kicked off with coach Jim O’Brien speaking about anything and everything.He started by talking about the job Larry Bird and David Morway did in filling the needs at point guard and center. Then he started talking about how he expects the team to play this year.Let me simplify it for you.Here is all you need to know about JOB’s basketball philosophy – shoot the three.This team will light up the scoreboard. They will try to mimic the Phoenix Suns – pre-Shaq – and they actually have a team able to do it. By dumping Jermaine O’Neal for TJ Ford and a big Serbian frown named Rasho Nesterovic, the Pacers gained the speed at the point needed to run the JOB offense. And they added depth by getting Jarrett Jack and Brandon Rush from Portland during the draft to mix with a bench already including Shawne Williams, Marquis Daniels and, if he makes the team, Austin Croshere.For the first time ever, this Pacers team might have too much depth. There is a good amount of talent on this roster, and playing time might be scarce for a few players who would otherwise deserve minutes.However, it will all work out and the Pacers should prevail. If their chemistry meshes – and it looks promising because the team already played a softball game before training camp and were joking during media day like school-aged children – expect this team to be toward the top in points scored per game and potentially fight for a playoff spot in the still weak, yet vastly improving, Eastern Conference.Of course, also expect them to be in the top of points allowed per game. The defense is still an issue, and Georgetown rookie Roy Hibbert will take a little time to develop before he turns into a strong shot blocker.But if you enjoy seeing games where two teams combine for 250 points, tune in to Pacers’ games.Their motto will be shoot, shoot, shoot.Which leads to my next point. That motto is only for on the court, not off the court. You hear that Pacers? Cough – Jamaal Tinsley – cough. No gunfights this year.Hopefully that won’t be an issue anymore. Jamaal isn’t practicing with the team and isn’t even in Indianapolis. He is completely removed from the team, but he is still on the roster.Once he is traded, (and trust me, he will be traded) all you Pacers fans who jumped ship because of a few incidents at Club Rio and Cloud 9 have no reason to not support this team. Bird has done everything you’ve asked for.He has traded away problem children for upstanding citizens. He has cleaned house and lined up a whole new team of “high character” guys.Now, the question is, can they win? That’s a different story.
(09/25/08 4:06am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Tiger Woods might be the best golfer ever. He might be the most talented golfer ever. He might be the golfer who attracts the biggest crowds. He might be the only reason golf is prominent in the United States these days.He might be God. But last weekend, only one thing kept running through my mind: Tiger who?From Friday to Sunday, the United States did something in the Ryder Cup (which puts the U.S. vs. Europe in a team golf event) it hasn’t done since 1999 – win. And we did it without Tiger.But they didn’t just win. They dominated. The final score was 16.5 to 11.5.And the man doing most of the dominating – Boo Weekley.Boo who?Oh, don’t cry Europe. It’s just golf. You know, that game you invented and have dominated for the past few centuries. The game you started playing in your kilts with your tire irons. The game you live and breathe over the pond. But back to Boo.I follow golf enough to know that Boo has game. I knew he could play. I knew he wouldn’t collapse on the big stage. But what I didn’t know is that Boo is freaking crazy. Boo single-handedly took Lee Westwood, one of Europe’s best competitors, mentally out of the game. In the team events on Friday and Saturday, Boo beat Lee’s team on Saturday after halving Friday.Boo then continued on Sunday to spank Oliver Wilson 4 and 2 in singles play.But Boo was so in Westwood’s head he got Westwood complaining about the crowd on Friday night. That is right. Boo didn’t necessarily win with his clubs. He won with his head. From the first hole on Friday, Boo was getting the crowd pumped up. He was waving his arms trying to get them yelling and screaming. He was a one-man inspirational slow clap.He acted the part of a crazy man, and his interviewing solidified the idea.He was quoted saying, “I feel like a dog that somebody done stuck a needle to, and it juiced me up like I’ve been running around a greyhound track chasing one of them bunnies.” And when asked what the bunny tasted like after he had caught it, he said “chicken.”Quotes aside, the most important play of Boo’s life came on Sunday, after his tee shot on the first hole. Boo rode his driver Happy Gilmore-style galloping down the first fairway, which is an image that will be burned in my brain for the rest of my life. We were one beer-can helmet away from Westwood doing his best Shooter McGavin impression by beating a beach ball with his putter and telling the crowd to go back to their “shanties.” Boo made a name for himself last weekend. He took America’s quietest and most prestigious crowds and made them look like the infield at the Kentucky Derby. Now, all Boo needs to do is take up hockey, take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
(09/18/08 4:03am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Expelliarmus. Wingardium Leviosa. Expecto Patronum. Lumos.Well, crap.I’m still in the dark, my computer is not levitating, I don’t have an extremely bright blue streak coming out of my pencil and my roommate is still holding the butter knife I tried to disarm him of. I guess my Harry Potter spells didn’t work.Now stay with me here.A UN-funded radio station reported a Congo soccer match ended in a riot. The Nyuki System soccer club was losing to its rival Socozaki when the Nyuki goalkeeper ran up the pitch chanting spells to change the course of the game. A riot broke out and when police attempted to stop the fight by firing into the air, the crowd scattered, trampling 13 people, most of them children, on their way out.A soccer match was ended because of witchcraft? Is this Salem in the 17th century? I can’t believe lives were lost from an act as stupid as witchcraft in a soccer match. The players should hold their heads in shame from this unfortunate situation.But for every ying there is a yang, and some good has to come from this story, no matter how deep you have to dig.And that good is strategy. I might just be an American kid who has minimal soccer knowledge and thinks football is a sport played with a ball shaped like Hey Arnold’s head. But clearly I was just missing the point. I always thought the objective of soccer was to kick the ball into the opposing net more times than the other team. Now, I know the objective is to cast spells at the other team to win the match.Knowing these important strategical aspects of the game, I have assembled an all-star soccer team.Cue introduction music and Michael Buffer:Ladies and gentlemen, here are your Swiffer Wet Jets!Starting in goal, down from the Yellow Brick Road in the merry old land of Oz, No. 2, the Wicked Witch of the West.At full back, from Bewitched University, No. 33, Samantha Stephens.At center back, from Crunchem Hall, No. 3.14, Matilda Wormwood. At wing back, from Middle-Earth, No. 6, Galadriel.At defensive midfield, from Narnia, No. 666, the White Witch.At midfield, from Newfoundland, No. 1, Tinker Bell.At attacking midfield, from the L.A. Galaxy, No. 23, David Beckham.At left wing, from Major Nelson’s lamp, No. 7, Jeannie.At right wing, from Westbridge High, No. 00, Sabrina Spellman. At striker, from Hogwarts, No. 99, Harry Potter.And your head coach, Albus Dumbledore.Your Swiffer Wet Jets!End scene.Take that, Manchester United! I’d like to see you beat that team.Wait. Those people aren’t real witches and wizards/warlocks? They are just actors and animations?Rennervate Swiffer Wet Jets.Did that bring them out of unconsciousness? No?Damn you Harry Potter.Maybe next time we should all just leave the magic at home, and keep things a little bit safer. For the kids.
(09/11/08 3:44am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Look out America, I found a high-scoring hockey contest.I found a hockey game that had so much scoring, Ron Jeremy was jealous. I found a hockey game that had so many goals, the goal judge feared his red light bulb might burn out. I found a hockey game that America always asks for. I found a hockey game where the teams netted 82 goals.I know what you are probably thinking: “It’s the NHL offseason. Plus, no hockey game ever has that many goals. What’s the catch?”Well, I’m glad you asked. Here’s the catch:Catch No. 1: It was women’s ice hockey in the European Olympic pre-qualifying tournament. Catch No. 2: The game was Slovakia vs. Bulgaria.Catch No. 3: The final score was Slovakia 82, Bulgaria 0.You did not read that wrong. It was 82-0. Slovakia scored 82 goals in one game to Bulgaria’s zero. Slovakia shot the black, saucer-shaped object into the back of the Bulgarian team’s net 82 times while Bulgaria was unable to get even one into the Slovakian team’s net. The red light behind the Bulgarian goalie almost caused seizures from going on and off so much while the switch behind the Slovakian goalie was never touched. Still don’t think it’s possible? Look at the stats.Slovakia scored a goal every 44 seconds. Slovakia scored on almost 60 percent of their shots. Slovakia outshot Bulgaria 139-0. Slovakia dominated to the point when then coach called the game “training.”Training?Scoring 82 goals against a team that probably never touched the puck is training? Scoring 19 goals in the first half of the first period is training? Having one of your players get three hat tricks plus one to grow on is training?This is an Olympic pre-qualifier. Show some Olympic spirit and have some mercy on an inferior team.When they took that 31-goal lead entering the locker room after the first period, why didn’t the coach make a few changes and let his players have some fun?Why didn’t the coach pull a “D3: The Mighty Ducks” and let his goalie play offense and score like Goldberg did? Why didn’t the coach switch his offense with his defense? Why didn’t the coach make a rule that all five players on the ice must touch the puck twice before anyone can shoot? Why didn’t the coach put four players out and practice penalty killing? Why did the coach actually think that destroying a team would train his players?If anything, his team probably picked up bad habits that would never fly against a real opponent.Of course his team wasn’t the only one winning big. Bulgaria lost to Croatia 30-1 and to Italy 41-0 in earlier games.Bulgaria must be really, really, really bad. I wonder if they can even skate?Unfortunately my DVR didn’t record the games to find out all these answers. However, I can guarantee you one thing about the Bulgarian team: After getting outscored 192-1 for a weekend, I promise you they celebrated their goal like they had just won the gold medal.
(09/04/08 3:32am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Hola. Como estas?That translates in the new NFL speak to say, “Hello. What is up?”Don’t get it?Just ask Chad Javon Ocho-Cinco of the Cincinnati Bengals what I mean.As the NFL kicks off tonight, there are many underlying questions we all are asking ourselves. Is Peyton Manning’s knee healthy? Is Pacman Jones ready to play (and yes I know his real name is Adam, and he wants to be called Adam, but he will always be Pacman in my book)? Can Kyle Orton really be a starting quarterback in the NFL? Who is Bill Belichick’s cameraman for the season?All are questions that will be answered with time. But one more question must be answered by Sunday: Will the NFL allow Ocho-Cinco to put his new, legally changed last name on the back of his jersey?NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has done everything possible to clean up the NFL. He has gone so far as to implement a fan code of conduct to try to make the NFL a G-rated product. But can he prevent a player from putting his legal surname on the back of his jersey? We should find out Sunday.First, I must applaud Ocho-Cinco for changing his name. It is genius branding and if allowed, expect his jersey sales to skyrocket. But I also must cheer for him changing his name to something that is incorrectly translated. His jersey, No. 85, translates to ochenta y cinco in Spanish. I guess because Ocho-Cinco can barely speak proper English, we cannot expect him to correctly translate English to Spanish.However, Ocho-Cinco got me thinking. If Goodell allows Ocho-Cinco to put that on his jersey, what other names could we expect? Here are a few I came up with:Pacman Jones – Adam Hacer LluviaTony Romo – Tony SimpsonTroy Polamalu – Troy Pelo Largo (Honestly, it wouldn’t matter for Polamalu since you wouldn’t be able to read it either way.)Michael Vick – Inmate #62145Peyton Manning – Peyton Todos Comerciales Chris Henry – Chris Peligro con PoliciaDaunte Culpepper – Daunte Crucero de BorracheraOnterrio Smith – Onterrio WhizzinatorRicky Williams – Ricky MarihuanaOf course changing of names doesn’t have to stop at football. We could change Jamaal Tinsley to Jamaal Pistola or Pete Rose to Pete Apuesta. It would be revolutionary. But it can go one step further. I am looking into legally changing my name from Mike Abrams to Mike Talento Puro before my column next Thursday. Will the Indiana Daily Student allow Mike Talento Puro to run as my byline? I guess we will find out next week.
(08/28/08 3:06am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>After days of combing the NBC archives, I finally found what I was looking for. It is an interview that ran during the coverage of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Because it aired at 5:36 a.m. during Oxygen’s coverage of rhythmic gymnastics, I doubt many of you saw it, so here’s the transcription:Bob Costas: Hi, I’m Bob Costas, and you are watching 24-hour coverage of the Beijing Olympics. I bet you didn’t know Oxygen was a real station so I welcome you as a first-time viewer. But today, I am honored to have the opportunity to interview a talented young individual named Mike Abrams. Mike why don’t you tell the viewers a little bit about yourself.Mike Abrams: Thanks Bobby. I wish I could be there with you in Beijing, but the Indiana Daily Student is too cheap to fly me out there. But about me ... I think you might have been the first person to call me talented. You didn’t mean in an athletic sense, did you?BC: Not quite. So Mike, I’m assuming you’ve been watching the Olympics pretty thoroughly, given your job.MA: Well, of course, Robert. I haven’t really done anything but watch coverage and play golf.BC: That actually brings me to our first question. Do you think golf should be in the Olympics?MA: Great point, B-Cizzle. I definitely think golf should be in the Olympics. The whole world seems to play, and international competition would be great. If they can call BMX an Olympic sport, why can’t golf be one?BC: True. But now softball will be eliminated for the 2012 games in London. Thoughts?MA: I think it’s a disgrace. Is trampoline really more of a sport than softball? What about dancing with a hula-hoop? BMX biking? My friend even watched a track and field event called race walking where people speed walk around the track. How can you remove a real sport like softball for some of these “sports?”BC: So you didn’t enjoy the trampoline?MA: No. They jump for a minute to get height and then flip 10 times and then stop. How is that a sport? However, I do wish I had known about this event earlier in my life. That way every time my parents yelled at me for jumping on my bed, I would be able to retort, “I’m just training for the Olympics!”BC: OK. So forgetting the trampoline competition, what did you enjoy most about the Olympics?MA: I loved most of the rest. The Chinese did a phenomenal job with their showmanship, and every aspect looked great on TV. It was a joy watching Michael Phelps win every race in a multitude of different manners while doing it all very respectfully and eloquently. It was a joy watching the USA basketball teams, both men and women, dominate like they should be doing. The women’s gymnastics was quite entertaining, but what I really enjoyed was watching Usain Bolt jog his way into history. I say lightning, Usain Bolt. BC: So you didn’t think he was being disrespectful to his competition by showing off?MA: If I could make a world record look that easy, I’d be dancing my way to the finish, too. Fortunately for Usain, I don’t like to run.BC: Well, Mike, it has been a pleasure having you. Describing you as talented was an understatement. Do you have any parting words?MA: Thanks for having me on your show, Bobert, and yes, I do have some parting words. I would like to wish the Chinese women’s gold-medal-winning gymnastics team members best of luck at their first day of sixth grade.
(07/31/08 12:13am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>To be sung to the tune of “Summer Lovin’” from the musical “Grease”:Summer lovin’, had me a blastSummer lovin’, happened so fastAnything is possible I learned from KG,Paul Pierce can ball but he fake hurt his knee,Poor L.A. Kobe will have his day,(To), uh oh, those summer nights.Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh,Tell me more, tell me more.Can that really be true?Tell me more, tell me more,Stern rigs playoff games too?Danica Patrick she fights every race,But Milka Duno threw a towel in her face.They’re not the only girls who fight,A WNBA brawl on a dark Detroit night.Summer Detroit fight, to the Pacers delight,But, uh oh, those summer nights.Well-a, well-a, well-a, uhTell me more, tell me more,Brand jumped the Clip Ship.Tell me more, tell me more,Camby was traded for a bag of chips.Pacman Jones now plays in Dallas,So if it rains there blame him with malice.Greg Norman still has some golf left this life,I would have thought he’d stick to mixed doubles with his wife.Summer golf’s been whack, Tiger please hurry back,But, uh oh, those summer nights.Tell me more, tell me more,The Brickyard really sucked,Tell me more, tell me moreNASCAR might be ... screwed.Larry Bird had summer arts and crafts,He turned the Pacers into my NBA 2K8 fantasy draft.But it is only a video game my friend,Or McRoberts would be averaging 20 and 10.Summer fun could mean playoff run?But, uh oh, those summer nights.Tell me more, tell me moreT.O. helped a hurt man.Tell me more, tell me more,His autograph healed the super fan.Josh Howard, he told the truth,That NBA players are as high as the roof.But not to worry they don’t test in the summer,So have a blast hotboxing your Hummer.Summer smoke, at least it’s not coke, But, uh oh, those summer nights.Tell me more, tell me more,Is the song almost over?Tell me more, tell me more,You’re clearly not writing this sober?My head hurts, that’s why this ends,But not to worry, I’ll be back my friends.My contract goes for one more year,So I’ll still write, “Please have no fear.”Summer fun, fall’s just begun, But, oh, those summer niiights.
(04/24/08 3:56am)
As the school year ends and I have another semester of ranting and rambling about nothing under my belt, I sit here disappointed.\nA lot of this past semester I have not had anything truly fun to write about. There have been sporadic moments where I have had quality topics, but for the most part, this semester has been quiet. It’s been so quiet the IDS let me draw a picture and called it a column.\nAs bleak as this semester has been in the national sports column genre, the future is bright.\nThe next few weeks have two of my favorite sporting events: The NBA and NHL playoffs.\nThere are so many great things about the NBA playoffs this year that I can only cover a few.\nFirst, the games that Joe Crawford officiates are way better and more entertaining to watch than any other officiating crew. Watching his animated calls adds flavor to every game, and the mere fact that at any moment he could snap and fight a player enhances the enjoyment. It’s just too exciting for me to handle.\nNext, there are at least four first-round series that I expect to be sweeps, and I expect two to go seven games. How many times have we been blessed with such amazing matchups while also having to suffer through such terrible ones? \nFor those wondering, my sweeps are Utah, Boston, New Orleans and LeBron (I motion the NBA to change the name of the Cleveland Cavaliers to the LeBron James for obvious reasons). My seven-game series are Phoenix versus San Antionio and Philadelphia against Detroit.\nFinally, of those potential seven-game series, one has potential to be the greatest \nfirst-round matchup of all time. I would first like to point out that the Phoenix and San Antonio matchup already has two games under its belt, and it’s unfair to rank it No. 1 until a final victor is established. Because there is so much bad blood from last year’s playoff matchup, these teams hate each other. This series is set up for greatness.\nSan Antonio forward Robert Horry gave an unnecessary cheap shot to Phoenix point guard Steve Nash, Tim Donaghy officiated the controversial game three and forwards Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw were both suspended for a pivotal game five for the bogus leaving the bench rule. Add Shaq to the mix and we will have an all-out dogfight.\nGame one has already given us double-overtime, during which three different players hit clutch 3-point shots to extend the game, which San Antonio guard Manu Ginobili capped off with a nice game-winner . If Ginobili didn’t make that shot, the game would have still been going on. Game two was a little less exciting but still ended up being a battle to the finish.\nAs for the NHL playoffs, round one has already produced three game sevens, and round two looks just as sweet.\nThe NHL has the greatest increase in intensity from regular season to playoffs. The level of play in the playoffs is so high it is unbelievable to watch.\nUnfortunately, no one will see the playoffs until NBC picks up a few games of the Stanley Cup finals. If you enjoy a fast-paced, exciting game, I urge you to find the Versus channel on your television and enjoy the action.\nOn a side note, I don’t understand how Commissioner Gary Bettman didn’t fix the first round to make sure Washington faced Pittsburgh in round two. Alex Ovechkin versus Sidney Crosby is an NHL dream and they didn’t make it happen. NBA commisioner David Stern needs to call Bettman to teach him how to effectively run a league.\nUnfortunately, Philadelphia also launched the Capitals out of the playoffs on Tuesday night.\nFinally, as I leave you for the summer and pray I don’t get fired before next fall, I’d like to leave everyone with one last thought: If Shaq dunks and breaks down the backboard, but no one is there to see it, does it really fall down?
(04/17/08 5:05am)
When the remake of “The Longest Yard” was made, I was stoked. I loved the original, and adding Chris Rock, Adam Sandler and Nelly to the mix gave me hope that this movie would be spectacular. When the time came, I went to a showing the opening weekend and sat through the entire thing with some popcorn and a Coke. \nUnfortunately, I’m not here to criticize or rave about the movie. I was entertained but wasn’t floored by the picture. \nInstead, I’m here for something else. When I saw that movie, it got me thinking about what would happen if it were real life. \nLast week, my thoughts were answered.\nAccording to reports, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank exchanged letters with his former star quarterback Michael Vick. Blank explained that Vick washed pans for 12 cents an hour, and he played football on the Leavenworth Federal Football team.\nVick is the real life Paul Crewe. \nThe reports have been denied by the prison but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is now that Vick might be playing federal-prison football, I can officially announce my federal fantasy prison football team.\nWithout further ado, here is who I picked. Please keep in mind that not all of these players went to federal prison. Rather, all were just arrested.
(04/10/08 4:17am)
It’s Thursday of Little 500 week. You don’t want to read. I don’t want to write. So instead, since the NHL playoffs started Wednesday and no one is going to watch, I decided to draw you a picture of who I believe is this year’s MVP.
(04/03/08 5:20am)
Now that Formula One has eliminated its lone United States race from its schedule, F1 needed to do something drastic to get America interested again.\nThe solution – pimp out\nits president.\nPresident of the International Automobile Federation Max Mosley was caught on tape involved in a “sadomasochist orgy” with five prostitutes doing some sort of Nazi role playing.\nUmm.\nWhatever floats your boat?\nSome people might think it’s sick to get sexual pleasure from re-enacting a historical period during which millions of people were killed, and I’d have to agree. Everyone has something that gets him or her going and that’s natural, but this seemed to cross a line.\nAnd at least Mosley knew it. He has already apologized for his actions and is working on getting past it. I’m glad he is not resigning and hopefully he learned from his mistakes.\nOn the bright side, at least he took the time to have a cup of tea with the hookers after they finished their business. That’s nice of him. It’s always a good idea to be civil and polite to the women that just beat you in your sick and twisted fantasies.\nBut I’m not here today to write about Mosley. What I am here to do is to tell you about other major sex scandals you might have not heard about yet.\nNote to readers: From this point on, absolutely nothing is true. I made this all up. Please do not sue me for libel (which would be stupid because I only make $10 a week before taxes). However, keep in mind that these are not completely far-fetched and could accidently be true.\nEarlier this year, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was caught on tape having sexual relations with a woman but he had no knowledge he was being filmed. It turns out Bill Belichick was illegally taping his dating game plan to better his own marriage. No one knows the real truth to this tape because Goodell destroyed the tape before anyone else could see it.\nThere is an interesting rumor revolving around this tape. Supposedly, Goodell fined himself for excessive celebration after his score but no one can prove that rumor. My guess is it involved a cell phone and a teammate.\nA month or so ago, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman purposely surfaced a sex tape on TV to try to gain publicity. Unfortunately, no one in America was able to see it because it ran on Versus and generally no one cared anyway. \nI believe Bettman tried to use Sidney Crosby as the face of the video but Versus blurred the faces in the video for privacy reasons so it didn’t matter.\nThis week MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was caught in his own sex video where he solicited a prostitute to have relations in a park. However, the video was nearly three hours long, leaving many viewers bored. The prostitute looked like she was on steroids, there was a rain delay halfway through and the video ended in a scoreless tie.\nNext week, NBA Commissioner David Stern will release his latest project: “Girls Gone Wild: Where Amazing Happens.” Stern worked hard on the video and I expect the quality to be great. It should be high-flying and action-packed, and I don’t expect any of the girls to be able to read.\nThe reason I have faith in Stern’s videos is because of his philosophy in filmmaking. Although previous videos featured mostly college and international girls, the two best girls came straight from high school.\nBut this film is going to feature girls who have finished at least one year of college to ensure professionalism.\nFinally, there are rumors that IDS columnist Mike Abrams attempted to sleep with all the female managing editors at the newspaper in an effort to get his columns to run on the front page. Unfortunately, he failed miserably and his columns still run next to the crossword puzzles.