POSTED AT 12:00 AM ON Nov. 30, 2005 | PRINT | Email | SHARE | COMMENTS (1)

Call me crazy, but I think it's time IU got a mascot.

Matt, this isn't a good time. I mean, the Athletics Department, along with the whole school, is having enough trouble as it is.

I know, but my idea is so easy, and the school could use a little positive PR right now; kissing babies, planting trees, not having unrest among faculty, staff and the president, all that kind of stuff.

Matt, while that's all fine and good, do you know how expensive it would be to reprint T-shirts, hats and all kinds of other paraphernalia?

That's the beauty of my plan -- we wouldn't have to. You know what they say at the basketball games about our beloved stripes?

"Who needs a mascot when we have stripes?"

Exactly. The trick is to turn the pre-existing stripes into the mascot.

Matt, that doesn't make any sense.

Have you seen the commercials where the sticks of gum are walking around and talking?

Yeah ...

OK, well that's what we need.

We need ... gum?

No.

A candy with no fat that holds its flavor for hours?

No!

Fresh breath?

Well yes, actually, but no, that's not what I mean. We need to turn those computer-generated cartoons into real-life, walking, talking mascots. Imagine a bunch of 8-foot-tall stripes dancing around at every basketball game.

So they're stripes?

Yes.

And they are our mascot?

Yes!

You are an idiot. Why would we go through all that trouble for some skinny, pseudomascot?

Imagine the routines. The possibilities are endless.

As is your stupidity.

They could choreograph dances to music (maybe something by the White Stripes?).

So is that all the mascot does? What about other sports such as football and soccer?

Well for any outdoor sports I thought we could bring the Stripes (yes, it needs to be capitalized -- it's a proper noun now) outside as well as get those big fans that blow the fabric up so it looks like a skinny person dancing around spastically. They look a lot like stripes too.

For a second there I thought you were talking about yourself.

What do you mean?

A skinny person dancing around spastically.

Shut up, you're just jealous because you didn't think of IU's new mascot.

Matt, no one has chosen your mascot yet.

It's just a matter of time. Besides, a weird mascot could put us on the marketing map along with the University of California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs and the South Carolina Gamecocks. We'd sell tons of merchandise.

Matt, you're an idiot.

Yeah, but I'm a creative one.