Basketball seniors want ‘minor league’ NBA

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 8:16 pm on March 8, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

After Saturday’s stunning Senior Day win over the Northwestern Wildcats, graduating IU men’s basketball players put a unique twist on the tradition of making brief remarks on the occasion of their last game before their home crowd.

Whereas most seniors focus on thanking every person they met during their college careers, this year’s seniors, including Steven Gambles, Brett Finkelmeier, Devan Dumes and Tijan Jobe, emphasized the benefits of dramatically expanding the NBA in their remarks.

Starting with Gambles and continuing all the way to Jobe, all four spent most of their time highlighting the benefits of expanding the National Basketball Association’s Development League by creating a fully fledged hierarchy of development leagues similar to that associated with Major League Baseball.

Gambles, who has had little playing time in his years at IU, got the ball rolling by suggesting that the NBA create a multi-layer development league in which each team draws players from four teams associated with it and located in nearby cities around the country and in Canada.

“For instance, the Indiana Pacers could have D-League teams in Bowling Green, Kentucky; and Hammond, Evansville, and South Bend, Indiana,” he suggested.

Finkelmeier, who has been accepted to dental school, nevertheless echoed Gambles’ sentiments. As he put it, “The NBA only has a two-round draft, and the NBA D-League’s is only 10 rounds long. I think fans are ready for a bigger NBA, and I especially think TV viewers are eager for a longer, more mind-numbing draft.”

Dumes, who far outstripped his fellow graduating seniors in playing time during his two years at IU, focused on the kinds of cities that could benefit from having and NBA D-League team.

“Take a city like Flint, Michigan, a city that’s got a lot going for it but that’s been struggling since the auto industry started going downhill,” he said. “That’s the kind of place that would do great with a minor league basketball team. It could definitely support a stadium with 15,000 seats or so.”

Dumes continued to list cities such as Schenectady, New York; Kalamazoo, Michigan; Yuma, Arizona; and Nevada City, California, as good candidates for D-League teams.

Forward Tijan Jobe, who was recruited from his home country of The Gambia, supported his teammates’ argument by noting, “Not only would it provide a boost to the local economies of the 120 cities that would become home to new teams, but it would also create a lot more jobs for graduating basketball players at Division I, II and III schools.

“Not that I’m worried about getting a job or anything,” he added.

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Republicans swap dirty health care metaphors like ‘ram it through’

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 7:44 pm on March 8, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

Congressional Republicans have struggled in recent weeks with one of the toughest challenges in Washington: avoiding sexual connotations when devising metaphors to disparage the ruling party’s recklessness and disinterest in bipartisanship.

After having moderate success in discrediting the Democrats’ current health care plan by saying they are trying to “ram it through” and “shove it down the throat of the American people,” GOP insiders met Friday to brainstorm new metaphors.

Among the metaphors discussed were, “thrusting thousand-page bills repeatedly into Americans’ midsections,” which was voted down for what one senator reportedly called “subtle sexual overtones,” and “forcing Americans to swallow a load of regulations they don’t want,” which was approved by a narrow margin, largely along gender lines.

One potential simile supported by just one congressman was opposed by all others who were present, which prompted said representative to leave the meeting out of frustration.

The legislator had suggested that voting on bills without reading them was akin to “tapping it without wrapping it,” and was met with the groans of his more prudent colleagues.

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Crean takes ‘rebuilding’ seriously, signs 6th grade free-throw champ

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 9:45 am on March 1, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

Jonathan Biddles, winner of the sixth grade free throw competition at Discovery Middle School in Canton, Mich., has signed a National Letter of Intent for the 2017 season, IU coach Tom Crean announced Friday.

“Come on, you’ve seen the way we’ve been shooting out there,” Crean said. “We want to put our team in the best position to win, and he gives us that. Maybe not now, but this is the biggest rebuilding project in IU history. Give it time.”

Crean used sophomore forward Tom Pritchard‘s production – he is averaging 38 percent from the free-throw line this year – as a main point of reference. Pritchard was not one to argue, saying he’s glad “Johnny boy” wouldn’t hit campus until Pritchard’s long gone.

“Let’s face it, he would probably get less shots blocked than me at this point. He’s an imposing figure on the floor,” he said of the 4-foot-5 Biddles. “Fans are always yelling I play like I’m four-feet tall, just to give you some context.”

When asked if fans would be patient enough to wait seven years for the zero-star recruit, Crean harkened back to some famous words.

“It’s Indiana,” Crean said. “It’s Indiana.” The second-year coach declined to clarify.

Biddles could not be reached for comment, as his mother said he was studying hard for a geometry test – something Crean couldn’t help but applaud.

“When I see some of our guys go to the line, it looks like they have no clue about trajectory or angles,” Crean said. “John, on the other hand, aced the Pythagorean theorem quiz. We know what we are getting, and we like it.”

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Local school follows Wall Street’s lead, grants extra recess to students who fail tests

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 9:39 am on March 1, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

Area middle school Gordon Gekko Junior High has implemented a new policy that has parents and students at odds, seemingly along political lines.

The school, named after the 1980s investment legend, has begun rewarding students who dramatically underperform expectations with generous benefits packages, including extra recess and free passes to school dances.

It has also begun to lay off students who have played no role in the school’s failures, including those who always study for their tests and those who have never invested in risky Pokemon-backed securities.

Students, who apparently support Republican economic policies, have greeted the reforms with high praise and have begun taking advantage of the benefits available to failing students.

By a wide margin, however, parents at the school have advocated a reintroduction of regulations and heavy taxes on the generous benefits packages being granted to their children.

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‘Boyfriend,’ ‘girlfriend’ ‘celebrate’ 3 months

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 12:11 pm on February 24, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

Junior John Thompson is celebrating his three-month anniversary with girlfriend Claudia Daugh, who barely knows him. The two met at a friend’s house party in the fall, and things kicked off from there.

“I struck up a conversation with her about how hard my Spanish classes were,” said a beaming Thompson. “She had to go hang out with her girls at the other end of the room a few minutes later, but we really hit it off.”

Thompson was able to convince Daugh to join him for a late afternoon lunch a few months ago after getting her number from their mutual friend.

Of the afternoon, Thompson recounts, “It was a great date. She was so surprised when I paid for her food. You could tell she was impressed. She kept asking if any of our mutual friends were showing up. I think she was nervous.”

John was so excited after that meeting he started updating Twitter with messages such as, “Sorry ladies! This man’s spoken for!” This caught his friends’ attention, who expressed interest in meeting her. John laughs when he thinks about the subject, shaking his head like it’s a problem he’s dealt with repeatedly.

“Unfortunately they haven’t been able to (meet her) yet. Claudia’s so busy that I haven’t had a chance to even ask her. I haven’t even seen her for a few weeks. She’s studying so much that even I get her voicemail when I call. I’m so proud of her.”

This seems to be true. When reporters tried to phone Claudia, they were sent straight to her voicemail. A few days later, someone, presumably a friend, picked up. When asked about Thompson, the person replied, “Who? No, I don’t know who that is. Look, you must have the wrong number.”

Thompson’s parents were also notified of his “new special lady” soon after the two students met. Word has spread through the Thompson family circles. An invitation to celebrate Christmas with Thompson’s family is already being discussed.

John smiles as he looks at Claudia’s few public photos on Facebook. He holds a first edition copy of “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban,” a book of which Daugh mentioned she had seen the movie version the same night they first met. “It’s my anniversary gift. I think she’s really going to like it. I just need to figure out where she lives so I can deliver it.”

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Campus bus driver blames Rosa Parks for students’ stubbornness

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 12:09 pm on February 24, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

In the aftermath of a surge in interest regarding overcrowding of campus buses, one Campus Bus Service employee has put forth a novel theory about what the cause of all the problems is.

The driver, who asked not to be named, offers this argument: “The way I see it, the reason students never move to the back of the bus to let more people on is because of the instigator of this ‘I-refuse-to-move-to-the-back-of-the-bus’ movement, Rosa Parks.”

When asked how Parks’ racial motivation relates to his theory, the driver responded, “Huh?”

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Kennedys fall ‘just like Romanovs’

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 12:00 pm on February 24, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

In a moment reminiscent of the execution of the last member of the Russia’s Romanov dynasty in 1918, Rep. Patrick Kennedy, D-R.I., announced recently that he would not seek re-election this year.

Aside from the fact that this marks the end of a similar dynasty, that of the Kennedy clan, some observers have noticed numerous other similarities between this political climate and that of Russia in 1917 and 1918.

As Fox News’ Glenn Beck mused, “It wasn’t but seven years after the Romanovs were toppled that Stalin came to power. Now, I’m not saying that will happen here, but somebody’s gotta ask these questions.”

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God resigns, taps Obama as successor

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 12:26 am on February 15, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

YES, WE CAN – Obama parts the Jordan River in order to lead his followers across to the other side. Shortly afterward, the river collapsed back onto itself and drowned Hillary Clinton supporters pursuing the Illinios senator.

ALL CREATION — In a sudden reversal of stated policy, God announced Monday that he will resign his post as Supreme Ruler of the Universe and appoint United States President Barack Obama to replace him just in time for Presidents Day 2010, almost three years before industry analysts had expected him to do so (and an infinitely long time before He had planned to).

The announcement, which came amid reports of the Supreme Being’s lowest poll numbers since the run-up to the Great Flood, shocked even the most pro-Obama observers.

“I had expected the Guy to give President Obama at least a full first term before deciding he’d better step aside and let a real pro do the job, but I guess he liked what he saw and wanted to get Obama sworn in before things got any worse,” said one angel familiar with the situation.

In a statement released by the Office of the Heavenly Father shortly after God’s announcement, God is quoted as saying, “Seeing how quickly he brought the Iranians to their senses, and after he was so successful with that cap and trade thing and the health care what’s-it-called, I knew I’d better hand over the reins before he got so cocky that he took ‘em himself.”

He continued, “Yes, sir, if he’s been able to fix this much in just 13 months in office, I can’t wait to see him tackle vice, dishonesty, and Satan’s nuclear program. Those have been doggin’ me for years!”

Sources close to the deity note that then-Senator Obama’s meteoric rise on the global political scene, which began in late 2007, has coincided with a dramatic drop in both God’s public image and private morale. Most chalked the move up to a defeated sense on the Heavenly Father’s part that, in the words of one staffer, “If He couldn’t make it work given 6,000 years, maybe it was time to give someone else a try.”

Another member of the Heavenly Father’s staff, who spoke on condition of anonymity, expressed concern that his boss’s motive might be less wholesome than it appears and that the move may be a ploy to avoid responsibility for any calamity that may befall Earth around December 21, 2012, when a competing cartel of gods has threatened to destroy the world as we know it.

As has become a tradition in the wake of such announcements, the decision has garnered both praise and criticism here on Earth.

Acclaimed author and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins was quoted as saying, “It is disgusting that, in his desperation, God has decided to pull this resignation stunt to deflect attention from the real issue at hand, his nonexistence.”

Pope Benedict XVI, however, was much more receptive to the news.

“As long as God II agrees to denounce abortion and have his skin bleached in order to remain consistent with Scripture, the Catholic Church will be prepared to support him wholeheartedly,” he said in a statement.

Even Obama’s former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, joined the discussion: “It’s like I always told my congregation, 9/11 was an inside job.”

The news has put some political groups in an awkward position, however.

Focus on the Family issued a self-contradictory statement several hours after the announcement that began by denouncing the God-designate’s liberal social views but concluded by offering assurances that, as always, it would abide by the Word of God, adding, “whoever that may currently be.”

Similarly, the Hudson Institute’s response to the announcement expressed concern that the deity-to-be would naively meet with Satan and his demons without preconditions but affirmed that it would support his foreign policy after his swearing-in as Ruler of All Creation, stating, “It wouldn’t make much sense for a country freed from bondage by God’s grace to turn around and withdraw support from his hand-picked successor.”

All commentators were in agreement on one thing, though. No one – not the Old Testament prophets, not Nostradamus, and least of all, Glenn Beck – saw this one coming.

Note: All stories and images posted on the IDS Radish blog are totally fake and not to be taken seriously.

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Radish in print | Dec. 1, 2009

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 7:58 pm on February 14, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

Radish in print | Dec. 1, 2009

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Radish in print | Aug. 10, 2009

By admin | The Radish

Posted at 7:55 pm on February 14, 2010 |  Print | | Comments (0)

Radish in print | Aug. 10, 2009

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