So I just asked out this girl I’ve been kind of talking to on a date. She said no. Either I’m really bad at interpreting signals, or this girl is just really bad at sending them out!

It’s happened to me many times before. I start talking to some girl that I meet randomly in class or at some club. I ask to her to eat lunch or some shit a couple times. Get to know each other. Then quickly, before I fall into friend territory, I up the ante. Ask them if they would like to eat with me somewhere that isn’t a dining hall. And too many times I hear the same, “Umm I don’t really like you like that, but I still want to hang out!”

Great. Yeah, I wanna hang out with you too. Even though the only reason I was hanging out with you in the first place is so that we could escalate “hanging out” into more fun territory. Now I have yet another really hot “friend” who tells me of her escapades with other guys who aren’t me. And our friendship is always awkward at best because we both know I would still jump at a chance to be with her. I can’t wait till wait till she shows me her Facebook message correspondence with some guy who is “Sooo hot!”

It kind of feels good to be rejected though because it takes all the stigma and dramatization away from it. After its done you’re all like, “Hey, that wasn’t so bad! I can do this repeatedly for weeks on end until it works!” I think doing stand up definitely is parallel with putting yourself out there for a girl to reject you. The crowd is the girl and your jokes are your attempts at flirting with her. Your jokes get no laughs from the crowd sometimes, but that just means you have to try your stuff out in a different way or to different crowds. Get the analogy! So basically doing stand-up should theoretically turn you into a pimp.

But it hasn’t….

I like Christians…not the people who worship Christ. I mean they’re cool too, but I’m talking about guys who are named Christian. The ones I have known have been decent, honest, trustworthy friends. Having that name must be awkward in certain situations though…such as If you aren’t a Christian.

According to the government’s Social Security Association website, the use of the name Christian in America has risen steadily from being the 101st most popular baby name in 1983, all the way to 22nd most popular in 2007. Someone reading this right now is probably named Christian.

What does this increase in use say about America? Are we becoming more religious? Do people just like the way the name rolls off the tongue? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I do know there must be a lot of Atheists named Christian. How are these people supposed to respond to the question, “Are you Christian?”

I say it’s not fair to name your child a belief system. It’s kind of a cheap way to gain an automatic member. I don’t see others religions doing it. When’s the last time you met someone named Muslim or Jew. Never. Even Tom Cruise had enough sense not to name his son Scientologist, even though he probably thought about it.

Naming your child a follower of a religion is kind of like naming your child Burger King lover…with no Idea if they are going to grow up to like Burger King or not. They could totally grow up to hate BK, The Whopper, Chicken Tenders all that, and be extremely faithful to McDonalds. Regardless of that, their name would always be associated with the place and food of their hatred. People would walk up to them and say things like, “Hey dude, you like to have it your way? Your child would have to angrily respond,  “Naw man, I’m lovin’ it! You just assume I like Burger King, because my name is Burger King lover?” The sad fact is that yes, most will assume they do

I don’t want my child to have to deal with any of this confusion, so I have already devised some non-denominational names for him or her. If I have a boy his name will be Noah Filliation Bizuneh. If it’s a girl, she will be named Agnes Tic Bizuneh. That way they will have no pressure at all on them, and can select whatever religion or lack of religion that they like.

Though I can think of one benefit to being named Christian. Say you have this name, and you die tomorrow. In this hypothetical scenario heaven exists, and you are standing at the pearly gates waiting to be judged. You would be able to walk up to the bouncer to heaven look up and say, “I’m a devout Christian,” and you would not be lying at all.