Story by Jeff LaFave (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Hundreds of starved, penniless seniors infiltrated CultureFest on Thursday in an effort to obtain free food.
CultureFest, a three-hour outdoor event showcasing IU’s cultural and international appeal, follows a welcoming presentation at the IU Auditorium.
The only way to get complimentary food coupons for CultureFest is by attending said presentation.
“I stepped outside and saw strange men with ‘I need tickets’ signs,” freshman Lori Steiner said. “Normally, ticket scalpers aren’t so young and well-shaven. I was suspicious.”
Scalpers and hungry seniors alike were willing to trade cash and boxes of unused index cards for a chance at a hot meal.
“Some wrinkled grad student offered me their cigarettes,” freshman Scott Hogan said.
“Score,” he added.
CultureFest vendors were skeptical of many so-called “freshmen” with full beards and bar-specific clothing.
“I don’t know how a 19-year-old gets a Kilroy’s Bar T-shirt their first day on campus,” guidance counselor Luiz Martinez said.
Musical and dance-based features of CultureFest were marred by lethargic seniors wandering into the middle of performances.
“Some trick pushed me over and took a bite out of my leg,” breakdancer Katy Tensai said.
Citing a tough job market, inflated food prices and a downright four-year raping of student loan debt, seniors at the event were desperate for any nutrition at all.
“I’ve spent the last four years living on whiskey and ramen noodles,” senior Jerry Michaels pleaded with CBN reporters.
The fun-spirited, social event became tense after a record-breaking class of 7,590 actual freshmen quickly used up all of the food tickets. Frustration mounted among the food-craved seniors.
“Do you see what a Psychology degree gets you!?” Michaels screamed at a flock of pigeons resting by Showalter Fountain.
Early clues indicated CultureFrest was off to an awkward start after President Michael McRobbie addressed the seemingly-freshman audience.
“Did everyone get moved into the dorms safely?” McRobbie asked.
Only two people responded by clapping.