All Signs Point to Imminent Sex
Karl Paschanski
nicjacob@indiana.edu
From the moment sophomore Justin Stone woke up Tuesday morning, he knew he was going to get laid.
“This is my moment, this will be my day,” Justin said confidently.
Stone, who hasn’t been laid since God knows when, said he felt the river of destiny flowing through his sheets. Knowing that sex was imminent at [...]
ASK AN AUSSIE: How to Treat Your Cat to a Purrrr-fect Valentine’s Day
Dear Aussie,
I’m a 45-year-old single man. I divorced my wife two years ago. Since then, I’ve been in a few short-term relationships, but nothing serious; that is, until last year, when I found a stray cat in my driveway. I think I’ve finally found a creature I want to spend my life with, so I [...]
Girl Pretending She Isn’t Secretly Flattered About Having A Stalker
Horace Pudding
alexblakl@indiana.edu
“Oh my god, I swear this guy is so creepy,” Elise Morris said to a group of friends one evening in her second-floor room in Teter Quad. “He’s seriously, like, obsessed with me. I can’t stand it.”
Last week, Morris recognized a face she had been seeing fairly often throughout the beginning of the new [...]
Professors Agree With Hot Feminist Colleague ‘Valentine’s Day Something Women Should be Something’d About’
Quincy Yates
shlumorg@indiana.edu
When women’s studies professor Maya Clark sat down for lunch with some male coworkers from across the College of Arts and Sciences’ many departments, she said she was “happily surprised” to find out that nearly all of them were in total agreement with her feminist view of Valentine’s Day.
“Valentine’s Day exists solely to subjugate [...]
Frustrated Student Quits Looking For Girl He Saw at House Party on Facebook
Roger Cobalt
agreiner@indiana.edu
The scene at IU turned tragic yesterday when freshman Mac Michel gave up all hope of finding the girl he saw at a house party. Unfortunately for Michel and 68 percent of other male freshmen, coming up short occurs on a regular basis.
Michel said he saw her last weekend at a party and claimed [...]
CBN in Print — February 15, 2012
All Signs Point to Imminent Sex
Karl Paschanskinicjacob@indiana.edu
From the moment sophomore Justin Stone woke up Tuesday morning, he knew he was going to get laid.
“This is my moment, this will be my day,” Justin said confidently.
Stone, who hasn’t been laid since God knows when, said he felt the river of destiny flowing through his sheets. Knowing that sex was imminent at some point today, Stone took his time bathing, using considerably more of his After Hours Old Spice body wash than usual and combing his otherwise stringy mustache.
REPORT: Scientists at Kinsey Claim No Such Thing as Love
Theo Kosinskisidfletc@indiana.edu
A pair of star-crossed surveys released today reveal why there is no greater time of woe than that of Valentine’s Day.
One study, released online by the Kinsey Institute, claims to have scientifically shown that there is no such thing as love.
The study was conducted in October 2011 and sampled 500 professors as well as Kinsey’s resident spinster secretary, Rebecca Finchely.
ASK AN AUSSIE: How to Treat Your Cat to a Purrrr-fect Valentine’s Day
Dear Aussie,
I’m a 45-year-old single man. I divorced my wife two years ago. Since then, I’ve been in a few short-term relationships, but nothing serious; that is, until last year, when I found a stray cat in my driveway. I think I’ve finally found a creature I want to spend my life with, so I really want to make this Valentine’s Day a special one for Bon-Bon. Do you have any advice?
Thanks,
Cat Man in Bloomington
Girl Pretending She Isn’t Secretly Flattered About Having A Stalker
Horace Puddingalexblakl@indiana.edu
“Oh my god, I swear this guy is so creepy,” Elise Morris said to a group of friends one evening in her second-floor room in Teter Quad. “He’s seriously, like, obsessed with me. I can’t stand it.”
Last week, Morris recognized a face she had been seeing fairly often throughout the beginning of the new year. A young, dark-haired male with long eyelashes had been appearing around her just a little too often, she thought.
Professors Agree With Hot Feminist Colleague ‘Valentine’s Day Something Women Should be Something’d About’
Quincy Yatesshlumorg@indiana.edu
When women’s studies professor Maya Clark sat down for lunch with some male coworkers from across the College of Arts and Sciences’ many departments, she said she was “happily surprised” to find out that nearly all of them were in total agreement with her feminist view of Valentine’s Day.
“Valentine’s Day exists solely to subjugate women to status objects, and it makes those who are single feel dehumanized and turns them into second-class citizens for a perceived lack of sexual attractiveness,” Clark said.
Frustrated Student Quits Looking For Girl He Saw at House Party on Facebook
Roger Cobaltagreiner@indiana.edu
The scene at IU turned tragic yesterday when freshman Mac Michel gave up all hope of finding the girl he saw at a house party. Unfortunately for Michel and 68 percent of other male freshmen, coming up short occurs on a regular basis.
Michel said he saw her last weekend at a party and claimed that he attempted to approach the young woman, but she was never by herself. This is what awkwardness experts have identified as the most common excuse for young men who spend entire parties trying to build up the nerve to talk to a girl.
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