Collegiate Brand News

Al Gore intensely frustrated by CNN’s electoral college discussion

Posted by jlafave on November 6th, 2012

Gore, the nation's former vice president, won the popular vote in 2000.

Story by Jeff LaFave | (jlafave@indiana.edu)

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According to sources and neighbors around Al Gore’s neighborhood, the nation’s former vice president is reportedly “on edge” about having to watch CNN’s relentless coverage of the electoral college.

Gore, who won the popular vote for the 2000 presidential race, lost the election to George W. Bush due to the electoral vote.

“Just think, 12 years ago, I could have been president,” Gore said. “And now, nobody’s listening to what I said about climate change.”

“Christ,” he added.

Gore planned to watch tonight’s election results in peace in his “man-(bear-pig)-cave,” but lost his sense of decorum after 15 minutes.

A scream could be heard throughout the neighborhood as CNN reporter Wolf Blitzer announced Florida’s votes were “too close to call.”

-CBN

Last minute change: Romney decides to run as Democrat

Posted by jlafave on November 6th, 2012

Former Republican candidate Romney waves goodbye to his former right-wing companions. -CBN

Story by Alex Blakley | (aleblakl@indiana.edu)

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As citizens swarmed to the polls this morning to cast their votes, many were confused about what they found on their ballots.

“Romney was listed as a Democrat too,” Bloomington resident Mitch Wang said. “There was no Republican candidate to vote for.”

A spokeswoman for Romney’s campaign explained the change.

“Mitt had noticed a great outpouring of support for Obama these last few weeks,” spokeswoman Ellen Thomas said. “After analyzing several polls, we concluded the nation seemed to be leaning slightly to the left this year, so Mitt decided we should try running as Democrats to see if that might help energize the constituency.”

Romney said the decision was made easier by his love of the color blue.

“As a Democrat, I should be able to introduce more blue into my outfits,” the former Republican candidate said. “That will definitely add an extra twinkle in my eyes, which could be huge when it comes to election results.”

With the party switch, Republicans will hope to capture the electoral votes of traditionally Democratic-leaning states such as Minnesota, Pennsylvania and California.

“The big one out on the west coast — that’d be pretty cool to get,” Romney said.

Democratic voters have struggled to adapt to Romney’s strategy so far, as the swap has forced many to question their own political associations.

“I thought I was a Democrat,” political pundit Rachel Maddow said. “Wait, was I? But I thought I was against Romney? Maybe I was Republican.”

According to early exit polls, many voters are struggling to remember which candidate they voted for, which could make this election a complete toss up.

“I think I voted for Johnson,” Wang said. “Ah, dammit!”

-CBN

Shady teenagers accused of underage voting

Posted by jlafave on November 6th, 2012

Police were immediately called to the scene to apprehend the pretentious high schoolers. -CBN

Story by Jeff LaFave | (jlafave@indiana.edu)

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A group of troublemaker teenagers were removed from their Johnson County polling site this afternoon after trying to vote as minors.

The three male miscreants, aged 15-through-17, are currently under public scrutiny and face potential suspension at school.

“I don’t see what the big deal here is,” high school senior David Marcum said. “The sooner I’m allowed to vote, the sooner I’m allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. Better now than later, right?”

Marcum and his two best friends, John and Skylar, used fake ID cards to obtain ballots.

“If you don’t let us vote officially, we’re going to find ways to vote,” John said. “You don’t know what us kids are capable of.”

As of press time, the boys were seen loitering around the public library, staring at the “banned books” list.

-CBN

Republican Party declares victory, claims there is no reason for Democrats to vote today

Posted by jlafave on November 6th, 2012

Romney, who is already claiming to be the 45th president, is encouraging liberals "not to waste their time." -CBN

Story by Jeff LaFave | (jlafave@indiana.edu)

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According to a statement released by Republican Party officials moments ago, candidate Mitt Romney has won the 2012 Presidential Election by a million-kajillion votes.

Furthermore, GOP officials say there is no reason for Democrat voters to cast their ballots today.

“I don’t know what news you’re watching, but PRESIDENT MITT clearly won the election hours ago,” GOP supervisor Michael Clark said. “So all of you whiny liberals should just stay home and play with your pet chinchilla or make tofu or something today.”

Conservative politicians and citizens alike were seen celebrating in the streets just before the nation’s lunch hours.

“Oh yeah! Go republicans, we did it,” intern Samantha Frehley screamed into a bullhorn. “There is absolutely no reason to go vote if you want Obama to win because we’ve already won, I assure you. Please stay home Democrats!”

As of press time, many people in California were lining up at the polls.

-CBN

President Obama reportedly nervous about something

Posted by jlafave on November 6th, 2012

Those close to the President have noted it seems like he's having a strange day. -CBN

Story by Jeff LaFave | (jlafave@indiana.edu)

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According to sources around the White House, President Barack Obama just hasn’t been his normal self today, and many Americans are wondering if something is on his mind.

Rumors of the president’s distraction arose this morning after First Lady Michelle Obama entered the Oval Office. She reportedly found the nation’s leader just starting at the wall, like he was contemplating a deep, dark mystery of unfulfilled dreams.

“Four years,” Mrs. Obama said. “He just kept ranting something on about ‘four years.’ He wouldn’t come downstairs for coffee or anything.”

Michelle was able to stir Barack from his lucid state for a few seconds – at which point, he seemed lost and confused.

“Wow, 2008, you’re really something,” Barack said to nobody in particular. “Just think about everything we’re gonna do for this country.”

The leader of the free world then threw a couple pencils across the room and sighed heavily. The Chicago native then sauntered around the room, walking to nowhere in particular.

“Shit,” he muttered.

As of press time, White House staffer Thom Marcum informed interns to “act like it’s any other Tuesday, for the love of God, he could snap at any moment.”

-CBN

Mitt Romney seen giving best Halloween candy to rich kids

Posted by jlafave on October 31st, 2012

Mr. Romney's reaction to some of the poor children's faces were "chilling," to quote pun-saavy witnesses.

[Story by Jeff LaFave | jlafave@indiana.edu]

–

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a break from campaigning this afternoon to distribute Halloween candy.

And rich kids got the best shake.

Mr. Romney, who dressed as King Tut, celebrated his Chesterington Falls neighborhood’s trick-or-treat hours by distributing king-size candy bars and $20 bills to kids in expensive costumes. Children lined up to his door to procure wealth from the self-proclaimed “Massachusetts Candy King.”

“Mitt always saves the best candy just for me,” third-grader Maxmillian Rich said. “I’m sure I will enjoy this gourmet Toblerone bar on my father’s winter yacht.”

Poorer children in home-made costumes got some candy, though nothing as desirable as their wealthy counterparts.

“I got a handful of candy corn from a giant bowl,” poorly wrapped mummy Tonya Scout said. “A few pieces fell on the floor, and he gave me those, too.”

A few of the poorest trick-or-treaters even wound up paying Romney back some of their candy.

“He said something about the 47 percent and I really don’t know what a politic is,” kindergartner William Marco said. “But Mr. Romney took a handful of my Tootsie Rolls.”

Romney’s running-mate, Paul Ryan, also contributed to his candidate’s Halloween outing. Ryan, who was dressed as Eddie Munster, pitched in by refusing to acknowledge the rights of Romney’s female trick-or-treaters.

“What are you, a witch?” Ryan said. “I guess this means you have magic we men don’t. Get lost.”

-CBN

“Adult Alternative the Vote” campaign fails to register new voters

Posted by jlafave on October 10th, 2012

Soft rock emanating from the RV actually repelled most students from approaching the election-service vehicle.

Story by Jeff LaFave | (jlafave@indiana.edu)

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With election season in full swing, poll workers surprised IU’s Showalter Fountain with a stop from the first-ever “Adult Alternative the Vote” campaign tour.

As of Wednesday afternoon, IUPD has received over 1,000 documented complaints.

Adult Alternative the Vote, which is a not-so-subtle response to “Rock the Vote,” approaches the voting process with a ‘hard-core’ approach to modern American politics, while maintaining a more digestible attitude for radio consumption.

Visitors can register to vote, politely write to their representatives or talk about how great the Clinton administration was, man.

“Talking politics at work can be a little disagreeable,” campaign worker Daniel Sponna said. “We’re here to provide discourse and vitriol most people can appreciate in a professional environment while still rocking out.”

The “ContemporaryMobile,” as AATV employees call it, also distributed canisters of adult health vitamins and offered savory deals on insurance packages for Americans in their early 30s.

“Just because I have two kids doesn’t mean I can’t rock out to some politics,” area father Skip Donald said. “Growing up is just an attitude!”

“Groovy!” he added.

For the most part, students around IU were deeply disturbed.

“Most of us were born in 1992,” sophomore Tara Cohn said. “We’ve had it with Sheryl Crow already. Stop playing the Barenaked Ladies. And for God’s sake, get Sarah McLachlan off television.”

Several employees from the School of Fine Arts phoned in noise complaints after being subjected to an entire hour of the Indigo Girls.

-CBN

Music fans boldly call the Beatles “great”

Posted by jlafave on October 8th, 2012

In fear of being teased by fellow students, the girls met privately to discuss their love for the Beatles.

Story by Jeff LaFave | (jlafave@indiana.edu)

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In a stunning move sure to challenge her popularity in social circles, junior Samantha Rollyns announced Monday the Beatles’ music is simply “great.”

The announcement came during lunch, when Rollyns carelessly blurted out she thinks the best-selling band in music history was “pretty swell.”

“Take this any way you want, but the Beatles are my guilty pleasure,” Rollyns said. “They have this song about a submarine. I think you’d like it.”

Others at the table claimed they have, indeed, heard the Beatles before.

“Every now and then I run into a fellow Beatles fan,” Rollyns’ friend Tara Moore said. “We have a bonding moment and share our special fanhood that only Beatles fans can appreciate.”

Moore and Rollins have recently taken to expressing their love for the band in manic ways. Moore spent an entire eight minutes purchasing a Beatles poster from Amazon.com.

“I was also able to buy their entire discography in one package at Best Buy,” Moore said. “Who knew!”

The Beatles, who crept into music headlines of the 1960s, developed a private, quiet following of fans during their “BeatleMania” phase.

Few evidence of their music exists today.

“It’s such a shame they broke up,” Rollyns said. “Maybe they can get together for a reunion someday. I think a lot of people would like that.”

-CBN

Tardy classmate somehow found time for Starbucks

Posted by jlafave on October 4th, 2012

Despite running a half-hour late for today's meeting, sophomore Crystal Monroe somehow managed to find time for coffee. How about that.

Just when classmates in your K201 midterm study group thought about convening for the day, sophomore Crystal Monroe entered the room with a fresh cup of premium organic, fair-trade coffee.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said. “I got caught up with something.”

The rest of the group nodded in agreement, but remained quiet like it was afraid to acknowledge some sort of larger truth.

After setting her cup of Starbucks in the middle of the group’s workstation, Monroe pulled out her iPad, which displayed three active Facebook conversations. Her phone began to ring.

“Is there anything I can help out with?” she asked the rest of the group before starting a new game of “Angry Birds.”

According to the K201 group’s official Facebook page, Monroe has not responded to any posts from Team Leader Alison Moore.

But she has reportedly been listening to a lot of LMFAO on Spotify.

“It looks like we’re good to go here,” Monroe said after reaching the final page of her scant notebook. “I’ll see you all in class on Wednesday.”

Monroe promptly left.

As of press time, the rest of the group simultaneously exclaimed “…bullshit.”

-CBN

Bloomington Police Department wants to tell you something, but you have to promise not to get upset

Posted by jlafave on September 21st, 2012

Story by Jeff LaFave | (jlafave@indiana.edu)

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The Bloomington Police Department announced Friday they have something important to talk about, but you have to promise you won’t stay mad at them forever.

A lot of people have been talking recently, and they’re not sure what you’ve heard about a vicious, convicted murderer that may or may not return to society on Saturday.

“We want to make sure you hear it from us in case you encounter an infamous killer on the streets, just hanging out on Kirkwood and pondering the last 26 years of his life spent cooped up in a sweaty jail cell,” BPD Officer Daniel Sandow said. “You know, just in case that would ever happen. Who knows.”

Robert E. Lee, 57, was convicted of OH SWEET MERCY - He killed a person and put them in a trash bag? Oh God...

According to what-people-have-been-noticing, a man named Robert E. Lee was convicted of killing a 31-year-old woman, slicing up her body parts and putting her remains in a trash bag.

The BPD said there’s a chance he will walk the streets of Bloomington as a free man tomorrow.

“You know, we’re just taking things day-by-day,” Sandow said while nervously picking at his fingernails. “Now might be a great time to take a long weekend and visit family out-of-town just because.”

-CBN

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