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A guide to dressing for the end of the world



I’m not much of a sci-fi gal, but recently it’s been hard not to think the Earth is chewing us whole and mother-bird-spitting us straight into the apocalypse.

With either a zombie or Mike Pence takeover so clearly on the horizon, writing about fashion right now can honestly seem pointless. But just as our reporters will prepare and inform you on the possible end of times, I, too, will take up my rightful journalism duties.

Be it from climate change, political chaos or the death of print, if tomorrow really is doomsday, I’ve got the answers to your first and most immediate question:

What I am going to wear?

Well, first, let’s talk weather. How does one dress in a world where 90 degrees is the new September?

Every morning you’ll need to start with a climate-change consultation. Prepare for temperature swings, chance hailstorms and possible snow in April while putting together your look. Learn to layer, un-layer and layer again as you experience all four seasons within the same 24 hours.

For your go-to brands, Heelys should be at the top of your list. Eco-friendly while athleisure-trendy, they’ll help reduce air pollution from your daily commute. And while you’re on a sustainable fashion kick, stop with the Forever21 going-out tops. New studies show that a special portion of the ozone hole is from them mass-producing every freshman’s wardrobe.

Moving on to politics – liberal graphic tees will be your saving grace. Personal speech is already on its deathbed, as you know, so let your Nasty Woman voice be heard while it can.

And as the free press gets slowly stripped of its credentials, your political prowess will be more important than ever. Soon a day will come when the president can open his mouth, but no journalist will be there to report it.

Understand it’s up to you to take our watchdog reigns. Record the quote, screen print it on a cotton tee and caption it on Instagram, “the shirt says it all.” Rest assured, your Pulitzer is on the way.

As for education, you’ve probably noticed our system is going down the drain. Stupidity is an epidemic the public will have to work on, but for now, we need to protect them.

To those who Googled, “Am I blind?” after last month’s eclipse, this one goes out to you. From now on, you’ll be issued permanent safety glasses, because you can’t be trusted with nice things like cosmic phenomena.

Finally, for the millennials, who have done it again and killed another industry – this time, retail. Because of you, the next generation will never know the smell of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels in shopping malls across America.

Instead of grabbing a delicious cinnamon sugar treat, stock up on Amazon packing boxes and shipping labels to make all of your retail purchases.

Heelys, graphic tees, solar eclipse protection – do you have it all down? But if dark days really do come upon us, I’ve saved your best option for last:

Climb into your closet, hide behind the clothes and pray with me for at least an impeccably well-dressed afterlife.

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