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I was sitting on my boyfriends lap while kissing and he had an erection. Would I be able to tell if he ejaculated or pre-ejaculated? And could I get pregnant from this? We were both fully clothed but I had a little vaginal wetness from getting “turned on.” I also masturbated afterwards. I don’t think I saw anything on him because he had grey sweatpants on.
If you and your boyfriend both had clothes on, then you are not going to get pregnant from sitting on his lap even if he ejaculated. And no, you cannot always tell for certain whether a man has ejaculated if he is still wearing clothes like underwear and sweatpants. Even if you felt a little wetness and were certain it was coming from him and not you, it could just be pre-ejaculatory fluids rather than semen itself. Although some men don’t release any noticeable amount of pre-ejaculatory fluids when they are sexually excited or turned on, other men release pretty substantial amounts — enough to soak through their clothes. Fortunately, there are no sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluids and sperm cannot fit through most clothing even though the feel of wetness can.
Finally, if you definitely do not want to become pregnant, and you and your boyfriend engage in sexual play that sometimes goes further than you planned, then you two might want to start having conversations about what kinds of sex play are or aren’t OK with you both and whether you want to look into condoms and/or other forms of birth control.
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I love my wife. When we were dating, she always assured me that sex would be adventurous and often when we married. We’ve been married now two years and sex is actually worse. I feel horrible saying it, this is unhealthy I know. I love her but can’t keep this going. I worry I will cheat knowing sex isn’t an option for her. By the way, every time I leave she tells me how much she misses and loves me. When we have sex she is done minutes before me. I am stuck in a sort of hell. I love her. But with nothing physical, I know I cannot last. I’m embarrassed and venting sorry. Please help.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a rough time in your marriage. Different ways of experiencing sexual desire is common for many couples. You might try reading a book like “Passionate Marriage” or “Come As You Are” together or, even better, meeting together with a sex therapist — find one in your area through sstarnet.org or aasect.org. If you are able, you could even consider a sex therapy retreat (see crucibletherapy.com for some ideas).
It’s impossible for people to predict what their sex life will be like in the future and I’m sure at the time your then-girlfriend, now-wife was sincere. People’s sex drives change for so many different reasons (e.g., work, stress, health reasons, feeling pressured, feeling like their partner only wants sex instead of intimate connection and so on) — whatever the reason, it’s clear you two are feeling disconnected and could use some help getting back on track (a common enough issue). I hope these ideas help start a conversation and a pathway back to a more fulfilling sex life and marriage.
Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. is an associate professor at Indiana University’s School of Public Health and a Research Fellow and sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute. She’s the author of six books about sex; her newest is “The Coregasm Workout.” Follow Kinsey Confidential on Twitter @KinseyCon & visit us online at www.KinseyConfidential.org
