It certainly wasn’t the plan, but I have really emotional friends. Whether they’re graduating or not, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of people overcome by bouts of tears in the face of my fellow seniors completing their ?experience here at IU.
I stand in total contradiction to this emotionally volatile whirlpool into which I’ve been thrust. My emotional range tends to span from upbeat and spastic to cynically disgruntled to craving ?Cosmic Brownies.
Google Chrome ads will sometimes catch me off guard and trigger eye precipitation. We won’t go into that.
As of the time I’m writing this, I can recall two times a nonfamily member has seen me cry. I’m like one of those stoic, buttoned-up British types — like Winston Churchill — standing along the white cliffs of Dover without an umbrella, hands deep in pockets, regarding the English Channel as a sea storm rages around him.
Instead of sorrow, my primary emotion over these past few weeks has been gratitude, not just for IU and all the opportunities and experiences it has offered. It’s a profound thankfulness for being alive in general.
Last Thursday was my ?final CAPS appointment.
My one-hour session ran over. In the 15 months I’ve been seeing my therapist, this isn’t uncommon. This time it was because I was procrastinating. I wasn’t ready to walk away from this person to whom I owed so much.
Finally, I pushed myself to wrap things up. I thanked her for everything and punctuated it with a “No really, I could be dead right now.” Somewhat mechanically, I found myself walking away and into the nearest restroom.
I could be dead right now. I could be dead right now. I could be dead right now.
I found myself overwhelmed by the reality that my status as a living human being could have been so drastically different, ?opposite even.
A year ago, when I was at my most consistently anxious and depressed, thoughts of ending my existence were so present they took the form of casual thoughts like “Hmm, I could just step in front of this car and end it all.” The thought “I could be dead right now” was also present.
It’s funny how the same sequence of words can mean something entirely different depending on its delivery. This was wistful like “I could be at that party instead of writing this essay” or “I could be at that Laverne Cox talk instead of this RA staff meeting” or “I could be at that Nick Offerman show instead of this RA staff meeting.”
I wanted to nonchalantly slip out the backdoor of my own existence — a grim Irish Goodbye to my life. I am still thinking, “I could be dead right now.” This time, it is with the tone of the narrow escapee, someone who’d say “Holy crap, if those brakes didn’t kick in, I could have slid into that ravine and been a ball of fire.” Standing in that bathroom right outside of CAPS, jubilant tears streaked my face.
That’s why gratitude is my overwhelming emotion of choice. I am grateful for the incredible, life-saving help I’ve received from my therapist at CAPS. I am grateful for the support and love of my beautiful and eclectic friends. I am so grateful to be alive. I could be dead right now.
gmleeds@indiana.edu
