A breakdown of the presidential runners so far:
Rand Paul
So you like to smoke weed but don’t really care about the poor or the social safety net? Meet (non-board certified) Dr. Senator Rand Paul, the son of fringe libertarian icon and three-time failed presidential candidate Ron Paul.
Going into 2016, however, Rand seems to have learned from his dad. He has distanced himself from his old man and tried to position himself as the person who can reach outside of the GOP’s traditional base of crazy with his efforts to meet with black leaders in Ferguson, Mo., and reach out to pro-marijuana youths on college campuses. There’s also his uncanny ability to literally run away when confronted by DREAMers regarding his stance on immigration.
Dr. Sen. Rand Paul believes in really small government, is adamantly pro-life, has raged against the National Security Agency and believes the issue of gay marriage should be left to the states — while also suggesting it could lead to bestiality.
Hillary Clinton
The only person so far running for the Democrats is the only candidate unafraid of running against Hillary Clinton: herself. The former first lady, New York Senator, Secretary of State and current CEO of Clinton Inc. has muscled out any competition so far. Her seeming inevitability is only the latest charge against her — in the past, she has been accused of being everything from a socialist, a lesbian, power and money hungry to, yes, even being accused of murder.
The GOP is trying to throw the sink at Hillary (again) in hopes of preventing her candidacy from taking off. But, as President Obama rightfully pointed out a couple of years ago, it’s going to be a lot harder for Fox News to convince people Hillary was born in Kenya.
Policy-wise, Clinton is trying to position herself as the original Elizabeth Warren before being Elizabeth Warren was so mainstream. She continues to champion women’s rights, believes the middle class has been dealt a really bad hand, thinks gay marriage should be a constitutional right and is really conscious about her email storage space on her private server.
Waka Flacka
Waka Flacka Flame is running for prez. Okay, he actually hasn’t filed any paperwork (yet), but on 4/20 he announced he’s running — and the first thing he wants to do, if elected, is legalize cannabis. Eat your hearts out, Oblivious Stoners for Rand Paul. Waka believes “The president gotta have a big fat old blunt” and articulated he will run on a platform of banning animals in restaurants as well as taking a courageous stand against people with big feet, saying “Anybody who got feet over size 13 cannot walk in public no more.”
Yeah, Waka might be too high to realize you have to be 35 to run for president — he’s 28 — but just for a second imagine what a Waka Flocka presidency might look like.
Nixon goes to China? Nah. Think President Flaka smokes a fat blunt of with the Ayatollahs and single handedly stabilizes the Middle East.
Healthcare reform? Medical marijuana for everyone.
Defense spending? Billions in new research and development spending for a state of the art anti-gravity bong.
Republican obstructionism? Call the squad to show Republicans how Waka takes care of business.
Everyone might be laughing off Waka’s run for the White House. But joke’s on them — we already have plenty of clowns in the race.
Ted Cruz
Alright. So say you like the Tea Party, you believe in chemtrails or think there’s something fundamentally wrong that our president’s middle name is Hussein — then boy is there a candidate for you. No one in the race has quite preached the apocalypse/the end of America because of liberals like Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz.
He’s the guy that shut down the government because of his opposition to Obamacare — and recently signed up for it after losing his insurance when his wife left Goldman Sachs to join his campaign. If there’s a fire breathing, bat-shit crazy conservative who wants to take American back to the 1700s, it’s Ted “Abolish the IRS” Cruz.
The Texas Senator believes in slashing taxes for corporations, opposes any pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants, has called Roe v. Wade a “dark anniversary” and has been just shy of calling President Obama the antichrist.
What’s even scarier about Cruz is he’s Harvard and Princeton educated, meaning he knows exactly what he’s doing when he tells the Tea Party what it wants to hear. America.
