Weed: not even once

I’d like to formally thank the Barack Obama administration for cracking down on the marijuana epidemic America is facing.

The dangers of marijuana are outrageous: fatal kidney and lung disorders, possible brain damage, severe depression and, worst of all, death.

It’s produced in “Mary labs” sprinkled across America’s trailer parks and farms. These “Mary labs” are unregulated, and the chemicals used can cause spontaneous fires.  Marijuana is destroying families in areas once known for their peaceful agriculture.

Oh, wait. That’s methamphetamine. Let me try again.

When marijuana was first introduced in the 1980s, it annihilated an entire generation of black youths because of its cheap price and highly addictive nature, despite its short-lived 5- to 15-minute peak.

Many women who succumbed to its addictive properties became ganja whores. This led to the “ganja babies,” children who were born addicted to marijuana. Ganja whores were unknowingly feeding their babies marijuana with their breast milk.

Ah, that’s wrong, too. I think that was crack. Seriously, I can get this right.

Marijuana was first created as a way to wean people off of a commonly abused pain killer called morphine in the 1800s. But eventually it became its own demon, referred to as the “Big M.”

Remember how the spread of HIV/AIDS in the ’70s and ’80s was partially a result of sharing marijuana needles? Some people had to get their arms amputated because they destroyed their veins from injecting liquefied reefer.

Think of Jared Leto’s character in “Requiem for a Dream.” And so many celebrities have died from marijuana. For example: Jim Morrison of The Doors and Bradley Nowell of Sublime.

No, no, no, that was heroin.

Well I’m sure everyone has heard of Marijuana Anonymous and the 12-Step Program right? Marijunanaholics are a drain on our society.

Statistics prove driving under the influence of a .08 blood cannabis content will impair your driving ability.  High drivers caused more than 13,000 car accident deaths in 2008 alone.

Think about all the college students who die of weed poisoning every year. Or how many women on campus get taken advantage of and subsequently raped when frat guys give girls shot after shot of the ganja.

Oh, excuse me, that’s alcohol, which is perfectly legal.

Smoking reefer causes 443,000 deaths annually from first- and second-hand smoke.

Actually, you know what? I’ll just stop here. That’s the result of cigarettes, another legal drug.

What are the dangers of marijuana? Here’s the short and simple:

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has released studies that prove annual deaths related to marijuana consumption are zero.

What are the adverse effects of smoking dank-ass buds on the reg? Red eye, cotton mouth and increased appetite, which in turn incentivize pot smokers to buy eye drops, Arnold Palmer lemonade-tea and pizza. Getting high makes people buy things.

We’re about to double-dip into another recession, and the president wants to restrict incentives?

The GOP is right; Obama is bad for the economy.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu