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Thursday, March 28
The Indiana Daily Student

I’m complete, and it ‘heels’ absolutely phenomenal

While watching television this weekend, I came across an interesting commercial.

What was this commercial selling, you ask? Well, it was a self-improvement product, but let’s jump backward in time to what we already know about products meant to “improve you” and “get rid of your flaws.”

I grew up being told to be insecure about a few very significant things, things that will in fact make me a worse person should I let them get out of control.

Things like bad skin, hair loss, weight — you know — things that make me less of an important/socially desirable person. (What, you thought a personality did that? That’s not what the media says, and I believe everything MTV sponsors tell me.)

But now society has given me yet another thing to feel insecure about, and, frankly, I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before.

The product is called “Heel Tastic,” and it’s kind of rocking my world. Here I was, sitting around, minding my own business, when all of a sudden the fine folks at “Heel Tastic” gave me an epiphany.

Yes, I do have awful heels, heels that might very well need a “sander” and might very well “pop a balloon” on contact (I must have been a real buzz kill at birthday parties).

I don’t know how I’ve lived with myself this long. My heart goes out to all the people who have had to walk behind me whilst I wore sandals.

As I’ve spent time worrying about my pimples and waistline, people must have been sick looking at my terrifyingly ugly heels.

I didn’t even realize people looked down there; how behind the times am I?

But no longer.

Finally corporate America has completed my heart’s puzzle for perfection. It gave me one simple message for success and I listened: screw your personality, buy what we give you and maybe you’ll end up with a reality show.

Truly now, we must be done. Is there anything else we can perfect? If you have bad acne, here’s this; if you’re losing your hair, here’s that; and if you have tiny extremities, someone with bigger hands can hold your Burger King double cheeseburger.

I’m curious to see what it is that corporations try to use to distract us from the idea that being a good person will make us happy because I need to be reminded every day.

Whenever I see a girl about to walk into a puddle, I reach out my coat and almost drop it down in front of her. Then I come to my senses and remember that the Gap told me that this jacket makes me feel hip and attractive.

I’m just glad I got these sexy, smooth heels in time for my little cousin’s sixth birthday.

If I had popped her balloons with my heels that would have been terrible.


E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu

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