Dignity for sale

Howard Stern is planning a “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant.” Stern announced on Feb. 23  that he has managed to secure four mistresses and that they’re all set to compete.

According to TMZ, Rachel Uchitel, one of the infamous mistresses, is trying to find ways around her settlement with Woods so she can compete. She even has friends approaching Stern with ideas to use a cardboard cutout of her wearing different outfits and in various other states of dress.

The winner will receive $100,000. Apparently dignity goes for 100 grand these days. Good to know in case I ever need to sell mine on eBay.

These women and their shamelessness are making me realize that Tiger Woods is not that hard to land. Plenty of women have, lots of women could — and Woods never needs to worry about whether or not he can get these women to consent. Many females would gladly hook up with Woods, but it’s probably not because they have deep, sincere feelings for him like many of them claimed.

There is often a gratification linked with “landing” celebrities. It’s ironic because some celebs are more eager and less selective than the drunkest guy at Kilroy’s with the strongest beer goggles.

People assume that hooking up with a celebrity is an accomplishment because they think these big shots can have any fan they want. While this may be true, it’s important to consider the fact that the women who came forth about having relations with Woods would fall into the “groupie” category.  While some of them were pretty, they weren’t exactly the cream of the crop in other areas.

They might have been perfectly nice women with no home wrecking tendencies before they met Woods. But cross a superstar golfer with a groupie, and bang (literally) — the woman develops a whole new set of ethics.

I’m not sure why Woods was the only one apologizing during his recent public statement. There should have been a panel of his mistresses all lined up behind him apologizing for so shamelessly seeking fame.

While most of the mistresses probably managed about eight minutes of fame between them, some have earned a few more minutes. Uchitel has been hired as a correspondent for the TV show “Extra”.

But Kosher Ham Ventures designed a T-shirt just for the other mistresses. The shirt comes in a variety of colors and has the words “I Slept With Tiger Woods, And All I Got Was This Shirt” printed across the front.

I know I’m being very harsh and that if I were any of these girls and we traded Tiger Woods for David Beckham, this might be a very different column. But I think I would be a bit more discreet. Nobody likes a groupie with an agenda.
 

E-mail: jzaslow@indiana.edu