Apple-ization of America

Suddenly, I sprang up, ripped out the Apple ear buds and glanced around, slowly succumbing to the reality that had just struck me: I had been afflicted with Apple-ization.

For those not familiar with this “Apple-ization” epidemic, it is a lethal social disease that affects mainly college students, Californians and old people who don’t understand how to use PCs.

It occurs when the sociopathic controllers at Apple engineer everything in one’s life, creating a monopoly on your existence, and while nine out of 10 doctors (the last doctor never replied to my e-mail) have all assured me that this condition is not deadly, I refuse to take chances. I feel my time is growing thin and I must use my last moments to warn the world of my epiphany.

It all began a few days ago when I went on Facebook and saw a group titled “I hate Apple” with group members claiming that Apple owners are “obsessed with their products” and that Apple is over-hyped. This is crazy, I thought. Apple is just like any other company, and I’m not obsessed with my products.

I then opened my Safari browser and went to CNN’s Web site to get my world news. That’s when I saw it: a story about Apple’s new “mystery product.” The story described Apple as a “cult,” making reference to individuals who go on pilgrimages to different Apple stores around the country, much like the pilgrimages made to Mecca by Muslims and Jerusalem by Jews and Christians. And that’s when I realized it: Apple is the anti-Christ.

Honestly, Apple, what sort of crazy contraption are you thinking of putting out next for us to blindly follow like lost sheep? When will it end? iRefrigerators? iFood? iFemale Escorts (which should at least make religious pilgrimages to Apple Stores much more interesting)?

Maybe Apple is simply planning a product called “iEverything” that will include everything you will ever need, including beds, dishwashers and portable bedrooms, which I’m betting will still be bigger than Wright Quad’s. Apple products will become all you will ever need to be happy as they guide you with their easy-to-use applications and iTunes visualizers (which I’m also fairly certain promote marijuana consumption ... I know what they’re up to with those “psychedelic colors” ... there’s no fooling me).

There’s no denying that Apple has revolutionized the technological world and that its products make us want to jump for iJoy. But until we stop holding Apple up on a pedestal and start treating it like any other company, I fear it will continue to have an iGrip on our lives.


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