You are a terrible driver

Why is it that so many people are afraid of flying? Every week hundreds of people die in car accidents, but maybe one plane goes down a year. Call me a pansy, but one of my biggest fears is driving on the interstate.\nThe explanation for my fear is simple. You suck at driving. Yes, you reading this column right now cannot drive. I noticed this when I spent 2,440 miles in my car this past week driving down to Miami in order to hop on a cruise.\nI have never wished harm upon anyone ever before, but I cannot even count the number of times I wanted bad drivers to accidentally drive off the road, flip, and burst into flames. Not so much because I want them to be hurt, but I just wish they would be punished some how.\nMany people do not even think about the dangers they are putting others in. A particular group of people are the rich folks driving a BMW, Mercedes or Lexus. These people have enough money to pay their speeding tickets or their police bribes, but that doesn't give them the right to pull off Jeff Gordon-like moves throughout the field of poor losers that can't afford airbags. Slow down you stupid, rich jerks. Most of you do not even know why your cars are so expensive; you just know that they are shiny and were built in a foreign country.\nAnother group that we can all live without is the bunch that drives SUVs. Most of you are college girls, or "hot-to-trot" soccer-moms, but all of you are endangering my life because none of you can seem to put down that damn cell phone. I have yet to see some one drive one of these cars without having a Nokia glued to their ear, a cigarette in one hand and a Starbuck's Frappuccino in the other. And I'm supposed to be afraid of a commercial airline pilot who spent years in school learning his craft?\nSo what can we do with these morons of the road? Well, first off there needs to be some sort of driving test administered more than once when you're sixteen. Seriously, old people can barely remember which shoe goes on which foot (if they even wear shoes) let alone something they learned 76 years ago. Sorry to offend all you senior citizens reading the opinion page, but you need to speed up or get off the road. There was a lady in Atlanta getting onto Interstate 75 at the speed of 37 mph. She then cut over three lanes at the same speed. I stayed with her for a few seconds just to make sure that she hadn't died and accidentally left cruise control on, but to my surprise she was alive and enjoying the ride of a lifetime.\nSo maybe you're afraid of snakes, heights, or terrorism, but rarely do any of these things affect us on a daily basis like bad drivers do. So when the rich jerks slow down, the soccer-moms put down the phone and all the old people start taking the bus, I will overcome my fears.

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