Fake IDs vs. parking tickets

For the past two weeks USA Today has been ranking the "Top 10 Hardest Things to Do in Sports." These rank from skiing downhill at 80 mph (No. 10), or driving a NASCAR (No. 2). Now I have some problems with the rankings, but I won't complain. I instead want to talk about some of the hardest things to do here at IU.\nI'll be graduating in a few months, and I would like to share my knowledge with some of the newbies on this campus and explain some of the hardships you will undoubtedly run into while being here. So here, I give you possibly the first-ever "Top Five Hardest Things to Do at IU."

5. Watch the IU basketball team lose to another Big Ten team.\nNow at one time this was the hardest thing to do here at IU, but we're all getting a little used to it this year. I'm not trying to diss the team or anything, but we go all fall without winning against Big Ten teams; we need a break from it in the winter.

4. Wake up for an 8 a.m. class on a Friday.\nI'm not saying that everyone should go out and drink on Thursday, but your decision to go out to the bars should or should not be influenced because you have a test on a Friday morning. No one is awake in these discussion groups so why discuss? No one really wants to learn Italian, so why torture them before the weekend as well as during the week? Annulli i codici classi di venerdi. I think that means: "Cancel all Friday classes," but I'm not sure; I had the class on Friday mornings.

3. Graduate in four years.\nIf you have changed majors here at IU, it is nearly impossible to graduate in four years. There are so many useless classes, like economics, that are sometimes hard to fit into a busy schedule -- a busy schedule that includes taking useful classes, homework and possibly a part-time job to pay for tickets to see Screech from "Saved by the Bell" perform at the Union. I personally did not have a problem getting everything done in four years, but I know there are some people, especially the portion of you that own bongs, to do all of this in less than seven years.

2. Get into Nick's with a Fake ID.\nYou can try all you want, but you probably cannot get into this great establishment with your sister's expired ID. Go across the street, or down the block (you know which ones I am talking about) and use your non-holographic, Photoshop-made IDs at these places. You don't have to take my word for it, but when you can't name your state bird when asked, don't blame me when you lose your sub-par driver's license.

1. Park on campus without getting a ticket.\nIU makes millions of all your illegally parked cars everyday, everyone always complains, but everyone still does it again and again. First, putting on your hazard lights only points out that your car is illegally parked. People always complain that tickets are so expensive, but the reason they are is because all you morons are willing to get them on a daily basis. I've known girls to get six within two weeks. Even crystal meth dealers aren't getting profits like IU is.

So there it is. Remember this the next time you fail to get into Nick's on a Thursday night to watch IU lose. Instead you drink at home, wake up late on Friday and drive to class causing you to get a ticket. And then you wonder why you've been here for six years.

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