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Stop trying, losers


By Mike D’Avria



Game show producer and alleged CIA assassin Chuck Barris once said, "Who would have thought that there were so many people out there willing to make asses out of themselves on national television?"\nBarris was talking about his creation "The Gong Show," but a new form of this idiotic talent show was created last year, and its second incarnation just debuted last week offering up a plethora of horrible no-talent losers. Of course I am talking about "American Idol," but I do not want to write about the immoral society we live in where we are entertained by teenagers getting their hearts broken by a slick British music producer. I want to talk about how many people there are in this world with disillusioned dreams, yet for some reason think these dreams are feasible.\nWe all know the age-old saying, "You can be anything you want to, as long as you try." Well, I am here to tell you that most of you will never achieve your dreams. I know that this sounds harsh to all you losers out there, but in reality, it's because most of you set your goals too high. This is where the "American Idol" rejects come in.\nIf anyone has seen this show, you know that the first few weeks consist of thousands of young adults ruining amazing love ballads. After the audition, Simon the Brit says something like, "I am positive that you are the worst singer in the world." The now crying teenager either says, "I beg to differ!" or "I have a cold, and usually I don't sing this bad. I got it because I sleep outside in the rain with my children. I don't have a job because one time I won a karaoke contest for flashing my breasts, thus I quit working at Wal-Mart to pursue my singing career. So please give me another shot so I can feed my five children."\nSo the question I have is, what made you think that you could win this contest? \nMy point is, we all have secret dreams that will never come true, but most of us keep them secret because we know that we cannot sing like Whitney, or we do not look like Britney. Why would so many people make their dreams public like this? They have to know they're not going to come true. While watching, I asked my roommate what his secret goal was, and he said that he wants to sing in a punk band. He knows that this will not happen because he can't sing, doesn't know anyone in a band and is afraid of punks. He also said that his other secret goal is to be Spiderman, and even that aspiration is more realistic than some of these fools singing "I'm Every Woman."\nSo I have a few questions for those of you with unreasonable goals.\n1. Do you have any training whatsoever for your dream job?\n2. Have you ever been a part of a singing ensemble, drama club, rodeo clown group, etc.?\n3. Is your name Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Aniston or Ron Jeremy?\n4. Are you very attractive? \n5. Would you be willing to wear parachute pants, act in the nude or chop off a movie producer's pinky finger if asked to, in order to achieve your dream?\nIf you answered "no" to more than one of these questions, you may not be fit for stardom. So please, I beg of you, if you have any doubts about your dreams, please thoroughly think them through before appearing on national television. I'm not saying to throw away your goals and aspirations; I'm just saying maybe you should lower the bar a bit. Hey, the easier the goal, the easier it is to accomplish.

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