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Life's not worth it without pie


By Mike D’Avria



I am a big fatty. \n Most of my life I have been overweight, but I have been thin before. That's because I know how to diet. I've tried a bunch of them and have succeeded a few times, but nothing has really lasted. This is usually because I am either too lazy to continue, or I remember that I would rather live a chubby life filled with beer and nachos, than a thin life filled with running and Diet Coke. \nMost recently I have gained back my weight because I am in a pretty serious relationship…with a girl. The whole "unconditional love" thing is new to me. It basically means that my girlfriend likes me for me, and not because what I look like. So I took that as meaning I can eat Taco Bell whenever I wanted to. This is not true, mostly because I have gained 40 pounds in 18-months. So I have decided to lose weight, again, but before doing so I wanted to analyze my dieting options. Here are my thoughts about some "fad-diets" that are sweeping our society.

The Atkins Diet\nThe latest craze deals with eating a lot of protein and virtually no carbohydrates. This means you eat a lot of meat, cheese and fat, but no bread, pasta or rice. So let me get this straight, we're supposed to lose weight by eating a ton of fatty, heart-attack-inducing, cholesterol-ridden junk? And we will not lose weight by eating healthy pasta and thick, warm bread? Makes sense to me.\nTrue, maybe you will lose weight, but how can anyone live a healthy life filled with bacon and eggs every morning, along with red meat covered in blue cheese dressing for lunch? Nothing like hearing your arteries close after a meal.

The Subway "Jared" Diet\nSure, maybe Jared is now skinny, but he's still a huge tool. This diet just proves how obsessed our society is with advertisements. Let me spell it out for you. If you eat two sandwiches a day, with one bag of Baked Lays, you will lose weight. Why? The answer simply is because your fat ass isn't eating chicken wings and mozzarella sticks. Instead of spending 10 bucks-a-day on crappy Subway sandwiches, go out and buy some turkey, bread and vegetables and make your own crappy sandwiches. If you did this diet for one year, you would be spending roughly $3,640 on soggy bread and low quality meats. Put the money to good use and get some liposuction.

Bulimia/Anorexia\nTrue, Derek Zoolander states, "(Throwing up) before a show is a great way to lose pounds." And it is, but I think I heard that this is unhealthy. Tasting food twice due to bulimia's vomiting, or not even once because of anorexia's anti-hunger fits may make you thin and beautiful, but from what I have seen from the After School Special, "Jenny Eat Something," sticking your finger down your throat may cause green fingernails. If there are any other repercussions, I certainly have not tried to learn about them.\n So in conclusion, I think that I may just stop eating so much pie, and start working out a bit at the SRSC. It's a little intimidating with all the beautiful people there, but if I can go, then I'm sure all you fatties out there can join me. I'll be the one with the pie-stains on his shirt.

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